Monday 23rd November 2020 - 22:52:43 

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How to Get to Heaven


I was testing the children in my Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven.

I asked them, "If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into Heaven"?

"NO"! the children answered.

"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven"?

Again, the answer was, "NO"! By now I was starting to smile. Hey, this was fun!

"Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into Heaven"?" I asked them again.

Again, they all answered, "NO"! I was just bursting with pride for them. Well, I continued, "then how can I get into Heaven"?

A six-year-old boy shouted out, "YOU GOTTA BE F*CKIN' DEAD"!


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Here is Something Even Most Car Buffs Probably Didn't Know.


The Goldberg brothers, Norman, Hiram, and Maxwell invented and developed the first automobile air-conditioner. Didn't know that, did ya..

On July 17th, 1946, the temperature in Detroit was 97 degrees F.

The 3 brothers walked into old man Henry Ford's office and sweet-talked his secretary into telling him that three gentlemen were there with the most exciting innovation in the auto industry since the electric starter.

Ford was curious and invited them into his office. They refused and instead asked that he come out to the parking lot to their car.

They persuaded him to get into the car which was "Blistering Hot" - they turned on the air-conditioner and cooled off the car immediately.

Old Henry Ford got very excited and invited them back to the office where he offered them $3 million dollars on the spot for the patent.

The brothers refused, saying they would settle for just $2 million, but they wanted their recognition by having a label "The Goldberg Air Conditioner" on the dashboard of each car that it was in stalled in.

Now old man Ford was more than just a little bit Anti-Semitic, and there was no way he was going to put the Goldberg's name on 2 million Ford cars.

They haggled back and forth for about 2 hours and finally agreed on $4 million dollars and that just their first names would be displayed.

And so, even today, all Ford air-conditioners show on the controls, the names "Norm, Hi, & Max". There, now ya know it...


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Logic answer from a student

After having failed his exam in "Logistics and Organization", a student goes and confronts his lecturer about it.

Student: "Sir, do you really understand anything about the subject?"

Professor: "Surely I must. Otherwise I would not be a professor!"

Student: "Great, well then I would like to ask you a question. If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my mark as is and go. If you however do not know the answer, I want you give me an "A" for the exam. "

Professor: "Okay, it's a deal. So what is the question?"

Student: "What is legal, but not logical, logical, but not legal, and neither logical, nor legal?"

Even after some long and hard consideration, the professor cannot give the student an answer, and therefore changes his exam mark into an "A", as agreed.

Afterwards, the professor calls on his best student and asks him the same question.

He immediately answers: "Sir, you are 63 years old and married to a 24 year old woman, which is legal, but not logical. Your wife has a 25 year old lover, which is logical, but not legal. The fact that you have given your wife's lover an "A", although he really should have failed, is neither legal, nor logical."


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In Case



"Sally", asked Linda thoughtfully one day, "what would you do if you caught another woman in bed with your husband"?

"With George"? Sally thought it over. "Let's see; I'd break her cane, shoot her seeing eye dog, and call a cab to take her back to the institution she escaped from".


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Cruise Ship


DEAR DIARY. DAY ONE
I am all packed and ready to get on the cruise ship. I've packed all my pretty dresses and makeup. I'm really excited.

DEAR DIARY. DAY TWO
We spent the entire day at sea. It was beautiful and we saw some whales and dolphins. What a wonderful vacation this has started to be. I met the Captain today and he seems like a very nice man.

DEAR DIARY. DAY THREE
I spent some time in the pool today. I also did some shuffle boarding and hit some golf balls off the deck. The Captain invited me to join him at his table for dinner. I felt honored and we had a wonderful time. He is a very attractive and atte ntive gentleman.


DEAR DIARY. DAY FOUR
Went to the ship's casino ... did OK ... won about $80. The Captain invited me to have dinner with him in his state room. We had a luxurious meal complete with caviar and champagne. He asked me to stay the night but I declined. I told him there was no way I could be unfaithful to my husband.

DEAR DIARY. DAY FIVE
Went back to the pool today and got a little sunburned. I decided to go to the piano bar and spend the rest of the day inside . The Captain saw me and bought me a couple of drinks. He really is a charming gentleman. He again asked me to visit him for the night and again I declined. He told me that if I didn't come to his cabin for the night, he would sink the ship. I was appalled.

DEAR DIARY. DAY SIX
I saved 1600 lives today... Twice


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I'm Lost

You've all heard of the Air Force's ultra-high-security, super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as "Area 51"?

Well, late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their "secret" base. They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room.

The pilot's story was that he took off from Las Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel. The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation.

By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasn't a spy. They gassed up his airplane, gave him a terrifying "you-did-not-see-a-base" briefing, complete with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison, told him Vegas was that-a-way on such and such a heading, and sent him on his way.

The next day, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the same Cessna showed up again. Once again, the MP's surrounded the plane... only this time there were two people in the plane.

The same pilot jumped out and said, "Do anything you want to me, but my wife is in the plane and you have to tell her where I was last night"!


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Poetry or Prose?


The third grade teacher was teaching English and repeated for her class,

"Mary had a little lamb,
whose fleece was white as snow,
and everywhere that Mary went,
the lamb was sure to go".

She explained that this was an example of poetry, but could be changed to prose by changing
the last line from "the lamb was sure to go" to "the lamb went with her".

A few days later she asked for an example of poetry or prose.

Little Johnny raised his hand and recited,

"Mary had a little
pig, an ornery little runt,
he stuck his nose in Mary's
clothes, and smelled her little--"

He stopped and asked the teacher if she wanted poetry or prose.

"Prose"! the teacher said weakly.

So Johnny said, "Asshole".


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Bob Hill and his Wife Betty Are Vacationing in Europe.


On a rainy day they are driving through Transylvania when Bob loses control of their rental car and wraps it around the trunk of a huge tree.

Bob is badly injured, but is conscious. He checks Betty and sees that she`s unconscious and bleeding from the head. Every bone in his body is aching, but Bob sees a light in the distance so he scoops Betty into his arms, carries her through the rain and ends up standing in front of a huge door.

Bob knocks. A small, hunched man opens the door and Bob says, "You`ve got to let me use your phone. We`ve been in an accident, and my wife has been terribly injured."

"I`m sorry," says the hunchback, "We don`t have a phone, but my master is a doctor; come in and I`ll get him!"

Soon an elegant looking man comes down a stairway and introduces himself. "I am not a medical doctor," he says, "but a scientist. It is many miles from here to the nearest doctor, but I do have some basic medical training, and will be happy to help if I can."

"Please," Bob pleaded. "Save my wife`s life."

With that, Bob collapses to the floor beside his wife and despite the efforts of the scientist and his assistant, both Bob and Betty die.

The scientist is shattered by his failure to help Bob and Betty and sits down at his grand piano to console himself with music. While his assistant prepares to move Bob and Betty`s bodies, the scientist plays, and the power and beauty of his talent fills the house. Suddenly, the assistant sees what looks like a small twitch of Betty`s hand then he looks over at Bob and Bob`s eyelids are fluttering!

Now Betty`s feet are moving and both of her eyes are opening! The assistant is beside himself with joy and runs to his master and says, "Master! Master! The Hills are alive with the sound of music"!


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Easy?


Little Johnny goes up to a prostitute and asks, "How much for a blow job?"

"Four hundred bucks," the hooker says.

"Four hundred bucks? That's awfully expensive." Little Johnny tries to talk her down, but she won't lower her price. He really wants the blowjob, so he eventually agrees to pay the four hundred dollars. After handing over the money, he immediately starts to jack off.

"What are you doing that for?" she asks.

"For four hundred bucks, do you think I'm gonna give you the easy one?" says Little Johnny


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The Magical Frog


There once was a magical frog who lived in a huge forest. The forest was so big that he had never seen another animal as long as he lived. One day he was walking to the stream when he happened to come across a bear chasing a rabbit for his lunch.

He stopped them and called them over and said "I'm a magical frog. Seeing as you are the first two animals I've ever seen in my life, I'll give you each three wishes. You may have one wish at a time, and the bear may go first, because he is the biggest."

The bear thinks about it for a while and finally says "I wish every bear in this forest besides me was a female." The frog snaps his fingers and says "It is done. Every other bear in this forest is now female. Rabbit, what's your first wish?"

The rabbit quickly says "I want a crash helmet". The frog thought this was a bit weird, but said nothing. He snapped his fingers and a crash helmet appeared in front of the rabbit, who then strapped it on without thinking twice.

The frog turns to the bear and says "What's your second wish?" The bear says "Well.. I wish every bear in the NEXT forest was a female." The frog snaps his fingers and says "It is done. Every bear in the next forest is female. Rabbit- Your next wish?"

The rabbit then wished for a motorcycle. This was too much for the bear, who thought the rabbit was wasting his wishes. "What the hell are you doing? Why don't you wish for all the money in the world and go BUY a motorcycle??" The rabbit replies "No, I want a motorcycle NOW" So the frog snaps his fingers and a motorbike magically appears in front of the rabbit, who proceeds to hop on and gun the engine. The frog then asked the bear what his last wish would be.

"Gee," said the bear, "this is going GREAT! I wish every other bear in the WORLD besides me was a female!" The frog snaps his fingers and says "It is done. Every bear on earth besides you is female. Rabbit, what's your last wish?"

The rabbit said- "I wish the bear was a homo".


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Build your own satellite and have it launched into Space.

AmbaSat-1 is a tiny Space satellite kit that you launch yourself
¯\_(ツ)_/¯




The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

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Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

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