Sunday 25th August 2019 - 19:27:59 

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Making It Last


Part of the curriculum in the schools these days is sex education.

Educators are trying to teach abstinence as a option to the kids.

One teacher was addressing her 7th grade class and said, "In moments of temptation, just ask yourself one question: Is an hour of pleasure worth what could end-up with disease, or worse -- a lifetime of shame and regret?

Now, are there any questions"?

One sweet young thing in the back of the room then raised her hand and asked, "Teacher, how do you make it last for an hour"?


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Deer Hunting


A group of Minnesota friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck.

"Where's Henry"? the others asked.

"Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail", the successful hunter replied.

"You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back"? they inquired.

"A tough call", nodded the hunter. "But I figure no one's going to steal Henry"!


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First Night for the Newly Married Virgin with a Penis Phobia


It was the first night for a newly wed couple. The bride was still a virgin because she has a penis phobia, especially large ones, and she's heard about black men and how they are well hung.

To make his white bride feel at ease, the black groom said to her, "OK, I am going to go outside and slowly show you my dick through the door. Stay calm, there is nothing to be afraid of".

So he walked out, leaving the door slightly ajar and then stuck a little bit of his dick through the gap and asked, "Does that scare you"?

She chuckled a little and said, "Nope"!

He then pushed a little more through the gap and again he asked, "Does that scare you"?

"Nope", she replied.

He pushed some more through the gap and asked, "Does that scare you"?

"Nope", she said happily.

He said, "All right, you seem to be okay with it. I am coming up the stairs now..."


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Wife .v. Mistress


An architect, an artist and an computer geek were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress.

The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship.

The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there.

The computer geek said, "I like both".

The others: "Both"?

The computer geek: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and I can spend time on my computer and get some work done".


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How to Get to Heaven


I was testing the children in my Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven.

I asked them, "If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into Heaven"?

"NO"! the children answered.

"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven"?

Again, the answer was, "NO"! By now I was starting to smile. Hey, this was fun!

"Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into Heaven"?" I asked them again.

Again, they all answered, "NO"! I was just bursting with pride for them. Well, I continued, "then how can I get into Heaven"?

A six-year-old boy shouted out, "YOU GOTTA BE F*CKIN' DEAD"!


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Here is Something Even Most Car Buffs Probably Didn't Know.


The Goldberg brothers, Norman, Hiram, and Maxwell invented and developed the first automobile air-conditioner. Didn't know that, did ya..

On July 17th, 1946, the temperature in Detroit was 97 degrees F.

The 3 brothers walked into old man Henry Ford's office and sweet-talked his secretary into telling him that three gentlemen were there with the most exciting innovation in the auto industry since the electric starter.

Ford was curious and invited them into his office. They refused and instead asked that he come out to the parking lot to their car.

They persuaded him to get into the car which was "Blistering Hot" - they turned on the air-conditioner and cooled off the car immediately.

Old Henry Ford got very excited and invited them back to the office where he offered them $3 million dollars on the spot for the patent.

The brothers refused, saying they would settle for just $2 million, but they wanted their recognition by having a label "The Goldberg Air Conditioner" on the dashboard of each car that it was in stalled in.

Now old man Ford was more than just a little bit Anti-Semitic, and there was no way he was going to put the Goldberg's name on 2 million Ford cars.

They haggled back and forth for about 2 hours and finally agreed on $4 million dollars and that just their first names would be displayed.

And so, even today, all Ford air-conditioners show on the controls, the names "Norm, Hi, & Max". There, now ya know it...


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Logic answer from a student

After having failed his exam in "Logistics and Organization", a student goes and confronts his lecturer about it.

Student: "Sir, do you really understand anything about the subject?"

Professor: "Surely I must. Otherwise I would not be a professor!"

Student: "Great, well then I would like to ask you a question. If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my mark as is and go. If you however do not know the answer, I want you give me an "A" for the exam. "

Professor: "Okay, it's a deal. So what is the question?"

Student: "What is legal, but not logical, logical, but not legal, and neither logical, nor legal?"

Even after some long and hard consideration, the professor cannot give the student an answer, and therefore changes his exam mark into an "A", as agreed.

Afterwards, the professor calls on his best student and asks him the same question.

He immediately answers: "Sir, you are 63 years old and married to a 24 year old woman, which is legal, but not logical. Your wife has a 25 year old lover, which is logical, but not legal. The fact that you have given your wife's lover an "A", although he really should have failed, is neither legal, nor logical."


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In Case



"Sally", asked Linda thoughtfully one day, "what would you do if you caught another woman in bed with your husband"?

"With George"? Sally thought it over. "Let's see; I'd break her cane, shoot her seeing eye dog, and call a cab to take her back to the institution she escaped from".


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Cruise Ship


DEAR DIARY. DAY ONE
I am all packed and ready to get on the cruise ship. I've packed all my pretty dresses and makeup. I'm really excited.

DEAR DIARY. DAY TWO
We spent the entire day at sea. It was beautiful and we saw some whales and dolphins. What a wonderful vacation this has started to be. I met the Captain today and he seems like a very nice man.

DEAR DIARY. DAY THREE
I spent some time in the pool today. I also did some shuffle boarding and hit some golf balls off the deck. The Captain invited me to join him at his table for dinner. I felt honored and we had a wonderful time. He is a very attractive and atte ntive gentleman.


DEAR DIARY. DAY FOUR
Went to the ship's casino ... did OK ... won about $80. The Captain invited me to have dinner with him in his state room. We had a luxurious meal complete with caviar and champagne. He asked me to stay the night but I declined. I told him there was no way I could be unfaithful to my husband.

DEAR DIARY. DAY FIVE
Went back to the pool today and got a little sunburned. I decided to go to the piano bar and spend the rest of the day inside . The Captain saw me and bought me a couple of drinks. He really is a charming gentleman. He again asked me to visit him for the night and again I declined. He told me that if I didn't come to his cabin for the night, he would sink the ship. I was appalled.

DEAR DIARY. DAY SIX
I saved 1600 lives today... Twice


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I'm Lost

You've all heard of the Air Force's ultra-high-security, super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as "Area 51"?

Well, late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their "secret" base. They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room.

The pilot's story was that he took off from Las Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel. The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation.

By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasn't a spy. They gassed up his airplane, gave him a terrifying "you-did-not-see-a-base" briefing, complete with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison, told him Vegas was that-a-way on such and such a heading, and sent him on his way.

The next day, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the same Cessna showed up again. Once again, the MP's surrounded the plane... only this time there were two people in the plane.

The same pilot jumped out and said, "Do anything you want to me, but my wife is in the plane and you have to tell her where I was last night"!


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Build your own satellite and have it launched into Space.

AmbaSat-1 is a tiny Space satellite kit that you launch yourself
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The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

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