Friday 5th February 2021 - 22:58:21 

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Lost Purse

A lady lost her handbag in the bustle of shopping at the mall. It was found by an honest little boy and returned to her. Looking in her purse, she commented, "Hmmm.... That's funny. When I lost my bag there was a $20 bill in it. Now there are twenty $1 bills."

The boy quickly replied, "That's right, lady. The last time I found a lady's purse, she didn't have any change for a reward."

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Ronaldo, Luis Figo and James Mcfadden

Ronaldo, Luis Figo and James McFadden are standing before God at the throne of Heaven.

God looks at them and says; "before granting you a place at my side, I must first ask you what you believe in."

Addressing Ronaldo first he asks, "what do you believe?"

Ronaldo looks God in the eye and states passionately, "I believe Football to be the food of life. Nothing else brings such unbridled joy to so many people from the slums of Rio to the bright lights of Madrid. I have devoted my life to bring such joy to people who stood on the
terraces supporting their club."

God looks up and offers Ronaldo the seat to his left.

He then turns to Luis Figo, "and you, Luis, what do you believe?"

Figo stands tall and proud, "I believe courage, honour and passion are the fundamentals to life and I've spent my whole playing career providing a living embodiment of these traits."

God, moved by the passion of the speech offers Figo the seat to his right.

Finally, he turns to Faddy "and you, James, what do you believe?"

"I believe" says Faddy, "you're sitting in my seat.

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Making It Last

Part of the curriculum in the schools these days is sex education.

Educators are trying to teach abstinence as a option to the kids.

One teacher was addressing her 7th grade class and said, "In moments of temptation, just ask yourself one question: Is an hour of pleasure worth what could end-up with disease, or worse -- a lifetime of shame and regret?

Now, are there any questions"?

One sweet young thing in the back of the room then raised her hand and asked, "Teacher, how do you make it last for an hour"?

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Deer Hunting

A group of Minnesota friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck.

"Where's Henry"? the others asked.

"Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail", the successful hunter replied.

"You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back"? they inquired.

"A tough call", nodded the hunter. "But I figure no one's going to steal Henry"!

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First Night for the Newly Married Virgin with a Penis Phobia

It was the first night for a newly wed couple. The bride was still a virgin because she has a penis phobia, especially large ones, and she's heard about black men and how they are well hung.

To make his white bride feel at ease, the black groom said to her, "OK, I am going to go outside and slowly show you my dick through the door. Stay calm, there is nothing to be afraid of".

So he walked out, leaving the door slightly ajar and then stuck a little bit of his dick through the gap and asked, "Does that scare you"?

She chuckled a little and said, "Nope"!

He then pushed a little more through the gap and again he asked, "Does that scare you"?

"Nope", she replied.

He pushed some more through the gap and asked, "Does that scare you"?

"Nope", she said happily.

He said, "All right, you seem to be okay with it. I am coming up the stairs now..."

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Wife .v. Mistress

An architect, an artist and an computer geek were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress.

The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship.

The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there.

The computer geek said, "I like both".

The others: "Both"?

The computer geek: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and I can spend time on my computer and get some work done".

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How to Get to Heaven

I was testing the children in my Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven.

I asked them, "If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into Heaven"?

"NO"! the children answered.

"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven"?

Again, the answer was, "NO"! By now I was starting to smile. Hey, this was fun!

"Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into Heaven"?" I asked them again.

Again, they all answered, "NO"! I was just bursting with pride for them. Well, I continued, "then how can I get into Heaven"?

A six-year-old boy shouted out, "YOU GOTTA BE F*CKIN' DEAD"!

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Here is Something Even Most Car Buffs Probably Didn't Know.

The Goldberg brothers, Norman, Hiram, and Maxwell invented and developed the first automobile air-conditioner. Didn't know that, did ya..

On July 17th, 1946, the temperature in Detroit was 97 degrees F.

The 3 brothers walked into old man Henry Ford's office and sweet-talked his secretary into telling him that three gentlemen were there with the most exciting innovation in the auto industry since the electric starter.

Ford was curious and invited them into his office. They refused and instead asked that he come out to the parking lot to their car.

They persuaded him to get into the car which was "Blistering Hot" - they turned on the air-conditioner and cooled off the car immediately.

Old Henry Ford got very excited and invited them back to the office where he offered them $3 million dollars on the spot for the patent.

The brothers refused, saying they would settle for just $2 million, but they wanted their recognition by having a label "The Goldberg Air Conditioner" on the dashboard of each car that it was in stalled in.

Now old man Ford was more than just a little bit Anti-Semitic, and there was no way he was going to put the Goldberg's name on 2 million Ford cars.

They haggled back and forth for about 2 hours and finally agreed on $4 million dollars and that just their first names would be displayed.

And so, even today, all Ford air-conditioners show on the controls, the names "Norm, Hi, & Max". There, now ya know it...

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Logic answer from a student

After having failed his exam in "Logistics and Organization", a student goes and confronts his lecturer about it.

Student: "Sir, do you really understand anything about the subject?"

Professor: "Surely I must. Otherwise I would not be a professor!"

Student: "Great, well then I would like to ask you a question. If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my mark as is and go. If you however do not know the answer, I want you give me an "A" for the exam. "

Professor: "Okay, it's a deal. So what is the question?"

Student: "What is legal, but not logical, logical, but not legal, and neither logical, nor legal?"

Even after some long and hard consideration, the professor cannot give the student an answer, and therefore changes his exam mark into an "A", as agreed.

Afterwards, the professor calls on his best student and asks him the same question.

He immediately answers: "Sir, you are 63 years old and married to a 24 year old woman, which is legal, but not logical. Your wife has a 25 year old lover, which is logical, but not legal. The fact that you have given your wife's lover an "A", although he really should have failed, is neither legal, nor logical."

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In Case

"Sally", asked Linda thoughtfully one day, "what would you do if you caught another woman in bed with your husband"?

"With George"? Sally thought it over. "Let's see; I'd break her cane, shoot her seeing eye dog, and call a cab to take her back to the institution she escaped from".

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Build your own satellite and have it launched into Space.

AmbaSat-1 is a tiny Space satellite kit that you launch yourself

The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

We try to bust a gut with our funny, Yo Mama, Redneck, lawyer, animal, relationship and crap jokes.

You only live once!   So make sure you spend 15 hours on the internet everyday, seeking validation from strangers.

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