Thursday 5th December 2019 - 22:03:59 

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Beautiful Girl


Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar. He walks over and asks Paul what's wrong.

"Well," replies Paul, "You know that beautiful girl at work that I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?"

"Yes," replies Jeff with a laugh.

"Well," says Paul, straightening up, "I finally worked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed."

"That's great!" says Jeff, "When are you going out?"

"I went to meet her this evening," continues Paul, "but I was worried I'd get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped "it" to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn't show".

"Sensible" says Jeff.

"So I get to her door," says Paul, "and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, sexiest, dress you ever saw."

"And what happened then?"

"I kicked her in the face."


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Heaven


Two 90 year old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives. When it's clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day. One day Mike says, "Joe, we both loved football all our lives, and we played Sunday football together for so many years. Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's football there."

Joe looks up at Mike from his death bed," Mike, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favour for you.

Shortly after that, Joe passes on.

At midnight a couple of nights later, Mike is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him,"

"Mike--Mike." "Who is it? asks Mike sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"

"Mike--it's me, Joe."

"You're not Joe. Joe just died."

"I'm telling you, it's me, Joe," insists the voice."

"Joe! Where are you?"

"In heaven", replies Joe. "I have some really good news and a little bad news."

"Tell me the good news first," says Mike.

"The good news," Joe says," is that there's football in heaven. Better yet, all of our old friends who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always spring time and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play football all we want, and we never get tired."

"That's fantastic," says Mike. "It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news?

"You're playing Tuesday."


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Man and Society--Cicero's Philosophy


Rome's (of the Roman Empire) Cicero's (106 - 43 BC) philosophy is still valid even today, for any country of our globe:

1. The poor: work and work,


2. The rich: exploit the poor,


3. The soldier: protects both,


4. The taxpayer: pays for all three,


5. The wanderer: rests for all four,


6. The drunk: drinks for all five,


7. The banker: robs all six,


8. The lawyer: misleads all seven,


9. The doctor: kills all eight,


10. The undertaker: buries all nine,


11. The Politician: lives happily on the account of all ten.



Not far from the truth even today !!


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If Only They Had a Jewish Mother


MONA LISA'S JEWISH MOTHER:
"After all the money your father and I spent on braces, this you call a smile?"

CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS' JEWISH MOTHER:
"I don't care what you've discovered, you didn't call, you didn't write."

MICHELANGELO'S JEWISH MOTHER:
"A ceiling you paint? Not good enough for you the walls, like the other children? Do you know how hard it is to get that schmutz off the ceiling?"

NAPOLEON'S JEWISH MOTHER:
"You're not hiding your report card? Show me! Take your hand out of your jacket and show me!"

ABRAHAM LINCOLN'S JEWISH MOTHER:
"Again with that hat! Why can't you wear a baseball cap like the other kids?"

GEORGE WASHINGTON'S JEWISH MOTHER:
"Next time I catch you throwing money across the Potomac, you can kiss your allowance good-bye!

THOMAS EDISON'S JEWISH MOTHER:
"Okay, so I'm proud that you invented the electric light bulb. Now turn it off already and go to sleep!"

PAUL REVERE'S JEWISH MOTHER:
"I don't care where you think you have to go, young man, midnight is long past your bedtime!"

ALBERT EINSTEIN'S JEWISH MOTHER:
"Your senior photograph and you couldn't have done something with your hair?"

MOSES' JEWISH MOTHER:
"Desert, schmesert!!Where have you really been for the last forty years?"

BILL GATES' JEWISH MOTHER:
"It would have killed you to become a doctor?"

BILL CLINTON'S JEWISH MOTHER:
"Well, at least she was a nice Jewish girl, that Monica!"


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Lost Purse

A lady lost her handbag in the bustle of shopping at the mall. It was found by an honest little boy and returned to her. Looking in her purse, she commented, "Hmmm.... That's funny. When I lost my bag there was a $20 bill in it. Now there are twenty $1 bills."

The boy quickly replied, "That's right, lady. The last time I found a lady's purse, she didn't have any change for a reward."


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Ronaldo, Luis Figo and James Mcfadden

Ronaldo, Luis Figo and James McFadden are standing before God at the throne of Heaven.

God looks at them and says; "before granting you a place at my side, I must first ask you what you believe in."

Addressing Ronaldo first he asks, "what do you believe?"

Ronaldo looks God in the eye and states passionately, "I believe Football to be the food of life. Nothing else brings such unbridled joy to so many people from the slums of Rio to the bright lights of Madrid. I have devoted my life to bring such joy to people who stood on the
terraces supporting their club."

God looks up and offers Ronaldo the seat to his left.

He then turns to Luis Figo, "and you, Luis, what do you believe?"

Figo stands tall and proud, "I believe courage, honour and passion are the fundamentals to life and I've spent my whole playing career providing a living embodiment of these traits."

God, moved by the passion of the speech offers Figo the seat to his right.

Finally, he turns to Faddy "and you, James, what do you believe?"

"I believe" says Faddy, "you're sitting in my seat.


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Making It Last


Part of the curriculum in the schools these days is sex education.

Educators are trying to teach abstinence as a option to the kids.

One teacher was addressing her 7th grade class and said, "In moments of temptation, just ask yourself one question: Is an hour of pleasure worth what could end-up with disease, or worse -- a lifetime of shame and regret?

Now, are there any questions"?

One sweet young thing in the back of the room then raised her hand and asked, "Teacher, how do you make it last for an hour"?


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Deer Hunting


A group of Minnesota friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck.

"Where's Henry"? the others asked.

"Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail", the successful hunter replied.

"You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back"? they inquired.

"A tough call", nodded the hunter. "But I figure no one's going to steal Henry"!


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First Night for the Newly Married Virgin with a Penis Phobia


It was the first night for a newly wed couple. The bride was still a virgin because she has a penis phobia, especially large ones, and she's heard about black men and how they are well hung.

To make his white bride feel at ease, the black groom said to her, "OK, I am going to go outside and slowly show you my dick through the door. Stay calm, there is nothing to be afraid of".

So he walked out, leaving the door slightly ajar and then stuck a little bit of his dick through the gap and asked, "Does that scare you"?

She chuckled a little and said, "Nope"!

He then pushed a little more through the gap and again he asked, "Does that scare you"?

"Nope", she replied.

He pushed some more through the gap and asked, "Does that scare you"?

"Nope", she said happily.

He said, "All right, you seem to be okay with it. I am coming up the stairs now..."


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Wife .v. Mistress


An architect, an artist and an computer geek were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress.

The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship.

The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there.

The computer geek said, "I like both".

The others: "Both"?

The computer geek: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and I can spend time on my computer and get some work done".


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Build your own satellite and have it launched into Space.

AmbaSat-1 is a tiny Space satellite kit that you launch yourself
¯\_(ツ)_/¯




The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

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