Tuesday 22nd October 2019 - 05:23:07 

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A Visit To The Irs - Internal Revenue Service?


A man, called to testify at the IRS, asked his accountant for advice on what to wear. "Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him think you are a pauper".

Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice. "Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit and tie".

Confused, the man went to his rabbi, told him of the conflicting advice, and requested some resolution of the dilemma.

"Let me tell you a story", replied the rabbi. "A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. 'Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck'.

But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice. 'Wear your most sexy negligee, with a V neck right down to your navel'.

The man protested: "What does all this have to do with my problem with the IRS"?

"No matter what you wear, you are going to get screwed".


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The Beer Scooter


We've all used this form of transport - some more than others

How many times have you woken up in the morning after a hard night drinking and thought 'How on earth did I get home?' As hard as you try, you cannot piece together your return journey from the pub to your house.


The answer to this puzzle is that you used a Beer Scooter.


The Beer Scooter is a mythical form of transport, owned and leased to the drunk by Bacchus the Roman God of Wine.


Bacchus has acquired a large batch of these magical devices. The Beer Scooter works in the following fashion:-

The passenger reaches a certain level of drunkenness and the "slurring gland" begins to give off a pheromone. Bacchus or one of his many sub-contractors detects this pheromone and sends down a winged Beer Scooter.

The scooter scoops up the passenger and deposits them in their bedroom via a Trans-Dimensional Portal. This is not cheap to run, so a large portion of the passenger's in-pocket cash is taken as payment. This answers the second questions after a night out, 'How did I spend so much money?'

Unfortunately, Beer Scooters have a poor safety record and are thought to be responsible for over 90% of all UDI (Unidentified Drinking Injuries), such as skinned knees and a sore spot on the top of your head.

An undocumented feature of the Beer Scooter is the destruction of time segments during the trip. The nature of Trans-Dimensional Portals dictates that time will be lost, seemingly unaccounted for. This answers a third question after a night out 'What the hell happened?'

With good intentions, Bacchus opted for the REMIT (Removal of Embarrassing Moments in Time) add-on that automatically removes, in descending order, those parts in time regretted most. Unfortunately one person's REMIT is not necessarily the REMIT of another's and quite often lost time is regained in discussions over a period of time.

Independent studies have also shown that Beer Goggles often cause the >Scooter's navigation system to malfunction thus sending passengers to the wrong bedroom, often with horrific consequences.

For the family man, Beer Scooters come equipped with flowers picked from other people's garden and Thump-A-Lot boots (Patent Pending). These boots are designed in such a way that no matter how quietly you tip-toe up the stairs, you are sure to wake up your other half. Special anti-gravity springs ensure that you bump into every wall in the house and the CTSGS (Coffee Table Seeking Guidance System) explains the bruised shins.

The final add-on Bacchus saw fit to invest in for some Scooters i s the TAS (Tobacco Absorption System). This explains how one person can apparently get through 260 Marlboro Lights in a single night.


P.S. Don't forget the on-board heater, which allows you to comfortably get home from the pub in sub-zero temperatures, wearing just a T-shirt.


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A Natural Process


A man enters a barbershop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.

"I have just the thing," says the barber, taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum".

The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced.

After a few strokes the client asks in garbled speech, "And what if I swallow it"?

"No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does".


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Singing in the Shower


Having lunch one day, a sex therapist said to her friend, "According to a survey we just completed, ninety percent of all people masturbate in the shower. The other ten percent of them sing".

"Really"? asked the friend.

The therapist shook her head and proceeded to ask, "And do you know what song they sing"?

The friend nodded his head and replied, "No".

The therapist replied, "I didn't think so".


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Cowboy Logic


This was ACTUALLY proposed to the Montana Wool and Sheep Grower's Association by the Sierra Club and the United States Forest Service.

Hard to argue with this cowboy logic.

A few years ago, the Sierra Club and the US Forest Service were presenting an alternative to Montana ranchers for controlling the coyote population.

It seems that after years of the ranchers using the tried and true methods of shooting and/or trapping the predator, the tree-huggers had a "more humane" solution.

What the Sierra Club proposed was for the animals to be captured alive, the males castrated and let loose again, and the population would be controlled d. All of the ranchers mulled over this 'amazing' idea for a couple of minutes.

Finally, an old boy in the back stood up, tipped his hat back, and said, "Son, I don't think you understand the problem. Those coyotes ain't screwin' our sheep - they're eatin' 'em."


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Twenty Dollars


On their wedding night, the young bride Approached her new husband and asked for $20.00 for their first sexual encounter. In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed.

This scenario was repeated each time they made Love, for more than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.

Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go. It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.

Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than thirty years of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over $2 million, and informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank.

She explained that for the more than three decades she had "charged" him for sex, these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments.

Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 Million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out, "If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!"

And that's when she shot him.

You know, sometimes, men just don't know when to keep their mouths shut.


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The Church Organist

There was a church down in Texas that had a very big-busted organist. Her breasts were so huge that they bounced and jiggled while she played the organ. Unfortunately, she distracted the congregation considerably.

The very proper church ladies were appalled. They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist. One of the ladies approached her very discreetly and told her to mash up some green persimmons and rub them on her breasts and maybe they would shrink in size but warned her to not eat any of the green persimmons though because they are so sour, they will make your mouth pucker up and you won't be able to talk properly for a while.

The big-busted organist agreed to try the cure.

The following Sunday morning the minister got up on the pulpit and said. "Dew to hircumsthanthis bewond my contwol we will not hath a thermon tewday".


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The New Itit Musical Breast Implant

Apple Computer announced today that it has developed a computer chip that can store and play high fidelity music in women's breast implants.

The iTit will cost $499 or $599 depending on speaker size.

This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women have always complained that men stare at their breasts but do not listen to them.


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Drink to that


A guy walks into this bar and says, "Hey bartender, give me a Budweiser." So the bartender gets him a Bud. The man is enjoying his beer when he notices two beautiful blondes at the end of the bar.

The man noticing that his beer is empty says, "Hey bartender, another Bud, and get those ladies at the end of the bar a drink on me." The bartender gives the man his Bud, and says "Don't other getting those girls a drink, it won't do you any good. You're just wasting your time."

The man says, "Naaa. Give em one on me." So the bartender pours the girls a drink and gives em to the blondes. The girls out of respect raise their glasses, in a sort of thank you, and take a drink. The man now figures he's in. So he walks over to the girls. He notices that the girls are empty again. So the man yells, "Hey bartender, how about another round over here?"

The two girls look up at him and one says, "It won't do you any good. You're just wasting your time."

Well the man puzzled, says, "The bartender said the same thing. What the hell does that mean I'm just wasting my time??"

The other blonde says, "Well we're lesbians, we love to eat pussy!!"

The man now has a huge smile on his face and yells to the bartender, "Hey bartender, 3 beers for us lesbians!!!"


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The Pope

The Pope wakes up one morning with a huge erection. Thinking that it wasn't very Catholic, he tries to get rid of it. Unfortunately, walking around the room, thinking about the Bible and even getting some fresh air on the balcony all fail to soften him up. With only one option left, he sat down on the balcony and relieved himself.

Later, the Pope was walking around Rome, when a man with a camera approached him. "Hello, Mr. Pope," the man says. "Six o'clock this morning, on the balcony, I think you know what I'm talking about."

"I'm sorry, I don't know what you mean," the Pope replied.

"Oh, I think you do," the man retorted, "and 50 thousand will buy you the camera."

Worried and confused, the Pope paid up and took the camera.

Back in the Vatican, one of the Pope's aides was asking about the camera. "A chap in town sold it to me for 50 thousand," the Pope explained.

"50 thousand?" said the aide. "Wow, he must've seen you coming."


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Build your own satellite and have it launched into Space.

AmbaSat-1 is a tiny Space satellite kit that you launch yourself
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