Tuesday 10th December 2019 - 09:29:08 

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Lots of Patience


An 80-year-old guy marries a 20 year old beauty. She, of course, is thinking about the inheritance that will soon come her way. She may even speed along the time that this inheritance arrives by giving the old guy a very active sex life.

So, imagine her distress when, on the third day of their honeymoon, she finds her new husband in bed with a 45 year old lady.

The young woman finally blurts out "What does she have, that I don't have?"

Her spouse replies, "Lots of patience."


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Toys


Two poor kids were invited by a rich kid to a swimming party at his pool.

When they were changing into their swim trunks, one turned to the other and said, "Did you notice the small dicks on the rich kids"?

The other answered,"Yeah. It's probably because they have real toys to play with"!


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Depressed


Two ladies were hanging out together and one was depressed. "What's wrong?"

The depressed one replied, "I've been married four times and every one of my husbands has passed away."

The other lady asked, "What did they used to do?"

The depressed lady replied, "Well, my first husband was a millionaire, the second was a magician, the third was an evangelist, and the fourth was a mortician."

And the other said, "Oh, I see, one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go...


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Late Eighties


When a grandmother was in her late eighties, she decided to move to Israel. As part of the preparations, she went to see her doctor and get all her charts. The doctor asked her how she was doing, so she gave him the litany of complaints - this hurts, that's stiff, I'm tired and slower, etc.

He responded with, "Mrs. Siegel, you have to expect things to start deteriorating. After all, who wants to live to 100?"

The grandmother looked him straight in the eye and replied, "Anyone who's 99."


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Old Squid (sailor)


As a retired Navy Master Chief, I absolutely had to pass this incoming on to the "hah" reviewers....

There was a ragged, old, retired Bos'n Mate Master Chief who shuffled into a Waterfront bar. Stinking of whiskey and cigarettes, his hands shook as he took the "Piano Player Wanted" sign from the window and handed it to the bartender. "I'd like to apply for the job," he said. The barkeep wasn't too sure about this doubtful looking old Squid, but it had been quite awhile since he had a piano player and business was falling off. So, the barkeep decided to give him a try.

The old Master Chief staggered his way over to the piano while several patrons snickered. But, by the time he was into the third bar of music, every voice was silenced. What followed was a rhapsody of sound and music unlike anyone had heard in the bar before. When he finished, there wasn't a dry eye in the place. The bartender took the old Master Chief a beer and asked him the name of the song he had just played.

"It's called, 'Drop Your Skivvies, Baby, We're Gonna Rock Tonight"," said the old Master Chief after he took a long pull from the beer.

The bartender and the crowd winced, but the piano player went on with a knee-slapping, hand-clapping bit of ragtime that had the place jumping. After he finished, the Master Chief acknowledged the applause and told the crowd the song was called, "Big Boobs Make My Anchor Chan run Out." He then excused himself as he lurched off to the head.

When the guy came out of the head, the bartender went over to him and said, "Look, Master Chief, the job is yours, but do you know your fly is open and your pecker is hanging out?"

"Know it?" the old Master Chief replied, "Hell, I wrote it!"


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Feelings


Starting the car for the long trip back into the city, John and Dave said their final good-byes to their good friend, Robert.

"Thanks for puttin' us up for the weekend, pals," said John. "The food was great, the booze and dope were superb, and I really enjoyed screwing your wife".

Shortly after hitting the road, Dave turned to John and said, "I hope you weren't serious about enjoying screwing his wife!"

"No, I can't say that I enjoyed it," replied John, "but I didn't want to hurt Robert's feelings..."


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Little Johnny’s Black Eye

Little Johnny comes home from the local church school with a black eye. His father sees it and says, "Johnny, how many times do I have to tell you not to fight with the other boys"?

"But Dad, it wasn't my fault. We were all in church saying our prayers. We stood up, and my teacher in front of me had her dress in the crack of her butt, so I reached over and pulled it out. That's when she hit me"!

"Johnny" the father said. "You don't do those kind of things to women".

Sure enough, the very next day Johnny came home with the other eye black and blue. Johnny's father said, Johnny, I thought we had a talk"!

"But Dad!" Johnny said. "It wasn't my fault! There we were in church saying our prayers. We all stood up and my teacher in front of us had her dress in the crack of her butt. Then Lee who was sitting next to me saw it, and he reached over and pulled it out. Now I know she doesn't like this, so I pushed it back in"!


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Is This The Vet?

A veterinarian surgeon had a bad day, but when he got home from tending to all the sick animals, his wife was waiting with a long cool drink and a romantic candle-lit dinner. After dinner, they had a few more drinks and went happily to bed.

At about 2:00 in the morning, the phone rang.

"Is this the vet?" asked an elderly lady's voice.

"Yes, it is," replied the vet, "Is this an emergency?"

"Well, sort of," said the elderly lady, "There's a whole bunch of cats on the roof outside making a terrible noise mating, and I can't get to sleep. What can I do about it?"

There was a sharp intake of breath from the vet, who then patiently replied, "Open the window and tell them they're wanted on the phone."

"Really?" said the elderly lady, "Will that stop them?"

"Well, it should," said the vet, "It stopped ME!"


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At the Urologist's


An elderly gent had an appointment to see a urologist who shared an office with several other doctors.

The waiting room was filled with patients. He approached the receptionist desk. The receptionist was a large imposing woman who looked like a wrestler. He gave her his name. In a very loud voice the receptionist said, "Yes, I see your name here... you want to see the doctor about impotence, right?"

The heads of all the patients in the waiting room snapped around to look at the very embarrassed man.

He recovered quickly though, and in an equally loud voice replied, "No, I've come to inquire about a sex change operation... and I'd like the same doctor that did yours!"


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Old Age

Last Will and Testament: Being of sound mind, I spent all my money.

A man has reached middle age when he is cautioned to slow down by his doctor instead of by the police.

Middle age is having a choice of two temptations and choosing the one that will get you home earlier.

You know you're into middle age when you realize that caution is the only thing you care to exercise.

Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.

The aging process could be slowed down if it had to work its way through Congress.

As we grow older year by year, my husband always mourns: the less and less we feel our oats, the more we feel our corns.

You're getting old when getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.

You're getting old when you're sitting in a rocker and you can't get it started.

You're getting old when tying one on means fastening your MedicAlert bracelet.

You're getting old when you wake up with that morning-after feeling, and you didn't do anything the night before.

It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything.

You know you're getting old when you stop buying green bananas.


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The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

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