Wednesday 4th November 2020 - 17:54:39 

Previously On Johns-Jokes

NO Pictures - Just Jokes
Mobile User Friendly

Saved by The...

The boy is holding a quarter. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The father realizes the boy has swallowed the quarter and starts panicking, shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the book store.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants, takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the quarter, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman pockets the coin and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?"

"No," the woman replied. "Divorce attorney."

Share with friends?

Funny Pictures


Clark, Lois, and Jimmy were striding down the streets of Metropolis one sunny afternoon. As they passed a construction site, Lois noticed a worker carrying a load of bricks up the ladder on his shoulder.

She stopped dead, looked hard at him; then turned to the others and said, "Someone should write a song: 'Bricking Up is Hod to Do'."

Jimmy Olsen stopped dead in his tracks, slapped his thigh, and let loose a series of guffaws that reverberated across the street. He suddenly paused mid-laugh and looked at Clark, who stood there, stoic as ever. "Gee, Mr. Kent, that was a real laugh. Don't you get it?"

"Sorry, Jimmy," replied Clark Kent. "I ignore those. Remember that puns are the Lois form of humor."

Filed under: groaner

Share with friends?

Funny Pictures

Lots of Patience

An 80-year-old guy marries a 20 year old beauty. She, of course, is thinking about the inheritance that will soon come her way. She may even speed along the time that this inheritance arrives by giving the old guy a very active sex life.

So, imagine her distress when, on the third day of their honeymoon, she finds her new husband in bed with a 45 year old lady.

The young woman finally blurts out "What does she have, that I don't have?"

Her spouse replies, "Lots of patience."

Share with friends?

Funny Pictures


Two poor kids were invited by a rich kid to a swimming party at his pool.

When they were changing into their swim trunks, one turned to the other and said, "Did you notice the small dicks on the rich kids"?

The other answered,"Yeah. It's probably because they have real toys to play with"!

Share with friends?

Funny Pictures


Two ladies were hanging out together and one was depressed. "What's wrong?"

The depressed one replied, "I've been married four times and every one of my husbands has passed away."

The other lady asked, "What did they used to do?"

The depressed lady replied, "Well, my first husband was a millionaire, the second was a magician, the third was an evangelist, and the fourth was a mortician."

And the other said, "Oh, I see, one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go...

Share with friends?

Funny Pictures

Late Eighties

When a grandmother was in her late eighties, she decided to move to Israel. As part of the preparations, she went to see her doctor and get all her charts. The doctor asked her how she was doing, so she gave him the litany of complaints - this hurts, that's stiff, I'm tired and slower, etc.

He responded with, "Mrs. Siegel, you have to expect things to start deteriorating. After all, who wants to live to 100?"

The grandmother looked him straight in the eye and replied, "Anyone who's 99."

Share with friends?

Funny Pictures

Old Squid (sailor)

As a retired Navy Master Chief, I absolutely had to pass this incoming on to the "hah" reviewers....

There was a ragged, old, retired Bos'n Mate Master Chief who shuffled into a Waterfront bar. Stinking of whiskey and cigarettes, his hands shook as he took the "Piano Player Wanted" sign from the window and handed it to the bartender. "I'd like to apply for the job," he said. The barkeep wasn't too sure about this doubtful looking old Squid, but it had been quite awhile since he had a piano player and business was falling off. So, the barkeep decided to give him a try.

The old Master Chief staggered his way over to the piano while several patrons snickered. But, by the time he was into the third bar of music, every voice was silenced. What followed was a rhapsody of sound and music unlike anyone had heard in the bar before. When he finished, there wasn't a dry eye in the place. The bartender took the old Master Chief a beer and asked him the name of the song he had just played.

"It's called, 'Drop Your Skivvies, Baby, We're Gonna Rock Tonight"," said the old Master Chief after he took a long pull from the beer.

The bartender and the crowd winced, but the piano player went on with a knee-slapping, hand-clapping bit of ragtime that had the place jumping. After he finished, the Master Chief acknowledged the applause and told the crowd the song was called, "Big Boobs Make My Anchor Chan run Out." He then excused himself as he lurched off to the head.

When the guy came out of the head, the bartender went over to him and said, "Look, Master Chief, the job is yours, but do you know your fly is open and your pecker is hanging out?"

"Know it?" the old Master Chief replied, "Hell, I wrote it!"

Share with friends?

Funny Pictures


Starting the car for the long trip back into the city, John and Dave said their final good-byes to their good friend, Robert.

"Thanks for puttin' us up for the weekend, pals," said John. "The food was great, the booze and dope were superb, and I really enjoyed screwing your wife".

Shortly after hitting the road, Dave turned to John and said, "I hope you weren't serious about enjoying screwing his wife!"

"No, I can't say that I enjoyed it," replied John, "but I didn't want to hurt Robert's feelings..."

Share with friends?

Funny Pictures

Little Johnny’s Black Eye

Little Johnny comes home from the local church school with a black eye. His father sees it and says, "Johnny, how many times do I have to tell you not to fight with the other boys"?

"But Dad, it wasn't my fault. We were all in church saying our prayers. We stood up, and my teacher in front of me had her dress in the crack of her butt, so I reached over and pulled it out. That's when she hit me"!

"Johnny" the father said. "You don't do those kind of things to women".

Sure enough, the very next day Johnny came home with the other eye black and blue. Johnny's father said, Johnny, I thought we had a talk"!

"But Dad!" Johnny said. "It wasn't my fault! There we were in church saying our prayers. We all stood up and my teacher in front of us had her dress in the crack of her butt. Then Lee who was sitting next to me saw it, and he reached over and pulled it out. Now I know she doesn't like this, so I pushed it back in"!

Share with friends?

Funny Pictures

Is This The Vet?

A veterinarian surgeon had a bad day, but when he got home from tending to all the sick animals, his wife was waiting with a long cool drink and a romantic candle-lit dinner. After dinner, they had a few more drinks and went happily to bed.

At about 2:00 in the morning, the phone rang.

"Is this the vet?" asked an elderly lady's voice.

"Yes, it is," replied the vet, "Is this an emergency?"

"Well, sort of," said the elderly lady, "There's a whole bunch of cats on the roof outside making a terrible noise mating, and I can't get to sleep. What can I do about it?"

There was a sharp intake of breath from the vet, who then patiently replied, "Open the window and tell them they're wanted on the phone."

"Really?" said the elderly lady, "Will that stop them?"

"Well, it should," said the vet, "It stopped ME!"

Share with friends?

Funny Pictures

Old Jokes   88    89    90    91  92  93    94    95    96   Latest

Build your own satellite and have it launched into Space.

AmbaSat-1 is a tiny Space satellite kit that you launch yourself

The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

We try to bust a gut with our funny, Yo Mama, Redneck, lawyer, animal, relationship and crap jokes.

You only live once!   So make sure you spend 15 hours on the internet everyday, seeking validation from strangers.

Fuelled by: CodeIgniter - ver: 3.1.11  Debug: / 699,968Mb / 17:54:39 / 200 / No Errors