Sunday 28th June 2020 - 16:37:36 

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I Hate My Job

For when you have a bad day When you have a "I Hate My Job"; day, try this:

On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson. Be very sure you get this brand.

When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed. Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favorite chair. Open the package and remove the
thermometer. Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken.

Now the fun part begins. Take out the literature from the box and read it carefully. You will notice that in small print there is a statement: "Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson is personally tested? And then sanitized ".

Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times,"I am so glad I do not work in the thermometer quality control department at Johnson & Johnson."


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Pyramid of Jokes

There was 3 girls, a blonde, a brunette and a red head and they found a pyramid. They read a tablet that said "this is the pyramid of 100 steps. if you get to the top of it, you will get what you've wanted all your life. but be warned, every 5 steps a person will pop out and tell a joke, and if you laugh, you can never try again... the brunette gets to the 5th step and laughs, so she could never try again.

...the red head got to the 20th step and laughed, so she could never try again.

...then the blonde got to the 99th step and laughed.

The guy who was going to tell the joke said "why did you laugh, I didn't tell the joke yet".

The blonde said "I know, I laughed because I just got the first joke"!!!

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Saved by The...

The boy is holding a quarter. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The father realizes the boy has swallowed the quarter and starts panicking, shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the book store.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants, takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the quarter, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman pockets the coin and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?"

"No," the woman replied. "Divorce attorney."

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Clark, Lois, and Jimmy were striding down the streets of Metropolis one sunny afternoon. As they passed a construction site, Lois noticed a worker carrying a load of bricks up the ladder on his shoulder.

She stopped dead, looked hard at him; then turned to the others and said, "Someone should write a song: 'Bricking Up is Hod to Do'."

Jimmy Olsen stopped dead in his tracks, slapped his thigh, and let loose a series of guffaws that reverberated across the street. He suddenly paused mid-laugh and looked at Clark, who stood there, stoic as ever. "Gee, Mr. Kent, that was a real laugh. Don't you get it?"

"Sorry, Jimmy," replied Clark Kent. "I ignore those. Remember that puns are the Lois form of humor."

Filed under: groaner

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Lots of Patience

An 80-year-old guy marries a 20 year old beauty. She, of course, is thinking about the inheritance that will soon come her way. She may even speed along the time that this inheritance arrives by giving the old guy a very active sex life.

So, imagine her distress when, on the third day of their honeymoon, she finds her new husband in bed with a 45 year old lady.

The young woman finally blurts out "What does she have, that I don't have?"

Her spouse replies, "Lots of patience."

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Two poor kids were invited by a rich kid to a swimming party at his pool.

When they were changing into their swim trunks, one turned to the other and said, "Did you notice the small dicks on the rich kids"?

The other answered,"Yeah. It's probably because they have real toys to play with"!

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Two ladies were hanging out together and one was depressed. "What's wrong?"

The depressed one replied, "I've been married four times and every one of my husbands has passed away."

The other lady asked, "What did they used to do?"

The depressed lady replied, "Well, my first husband was a millionaire, the second was a magician, the third was an evangelist, and the fourth was a mortician."

And the other said, "Oh, I see, one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go...

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Late Eighties

When a grandmother was in her late eighties, she decided to move to Israel. As part of the preparations, she went to see her doctor and get all her charts. The doctor asked her how she was doing, so she gave him the litany of complaints - this hurts, that's stiff, I'm tired and slower, etc.

He responded with, "Mrs. Siegel, you have to expect things to start deteriorating. After all, who wants to live to 100?"

The grandmother looked him straight in the eye and replied, "Anyone who's 99."

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Old Squid (sailor)

As a retired Navy Master Chief, I absolutely had to pass this incoming on to the "hah" reviewers....

There was a ragged, old, retired Bos'n Mate Master Chief who shuffled into a Waterfront bar. Stinking of whiskey and cigarettes, his hands shook as he took the "Piano Player Wanted" sign from the window and handed it to the bartender. "I'd like to apply for the job," he said. The barkeep wasn't too sure about this doubtful looking old Squid, but it had been quite awhile since he had a piano player and business was falling off. So, the barkeep decided to give him a try.

The old Master Chief staggered his way over to the piano while several patrons snickered. But, by the time he was into the third bar of music, every voice was silenced. What followed was a rhapsody of sound and music unlike anyone had heard in the bar before. When he finished, there wasn't a dry eye in the place. The bartender took the old Master Chief a beer and asked him the name of the song he had just played.

"It's called, 'Drop Your Skivvies, Baby, We're Gonna Rock Tonight"," said the old Master Chief after he took a long pull from the beer.

The bartender and the crowd winced, but the piano player went on with a knee-slapping, hand-clapping bit of ragtime that had the place jumping. After he finished, the Master Chief acknowledged the applause and told the crowd the song was called, "Big Boobs Make My Anchor Chan run Out." He then excused himself as he lurched off to the head.

When the guy came out of the head, the bartender went over to him and said, "Look, Master Chief, the job is yours, but do you know your fly is open and your pecker is hanging out?"

"Know it?" the old Master Chief replied, "Hell, I wrote it!"

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Starting the car for the long trip back into the city, John and Dave said their final good-byes to their good friend, Robert.

"Thanks for puttin' us up for the weekend, pals," said John. "The food was great, the booze and dope were superb, and I really enjoyed screwing your wife".

Shortly after hitting the road, Dave turned to John and said, "I hope you weren't serious about enjoying screwing his wife!"

"No, I can't say that I enjoyed it," replied John, "but I didn't want to hurt Robert's feelings..."

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Build your own satellite and have it launched into Space.

AmbaSat-1 is a tiny Space satellite kit that you launch yourself

The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

We try to bust a gut with our funny, Yo Mama, Redneck, lawyer, animal, relationship and crap jokes.

You only live once!   So make sure you spend 15 hours on the internet everyday, seeking validation from strangers.

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