Friday 15th November 2019 - 19:23:43 

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Abstain from Sex


A young couple wanted to join the synagogue, the Rabbi told them, "We have a special requirement for new member couples. You must abstain from sex for one whole month".

The couple agreed, but after two-and-a-half weeks returned to the synagogue. When the Rabbi ushered them into his office, the wife was crying and the husband was obviously very depressed. "You are back so soon... Is there a problem"?, the Rabbi inquired.

"We are terribly ashamed to admit that we did not manage to abstain from sex for the required month". the young man replied sadly.

The Rabbi asked him what happened.

"Well, the first week was difficult... However, we managed to abstain through sheer willpower. The second week was terrible, but with the use of prayer, we managed to abstain. However, the third week was unbearable. We tried cold showers, prayer, reading from the Bible...anything to keep our minds off carnal thoughts. One afternoon my wife reached for a can of paint and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and I just had my way with her right then and there. It was lustful, loud, passionate sex. It lasted for over an hour and when we were done we were both drenched in sweat", admitted the man, shamefacedly.

The Rabbi lowered his head and said sternly, "You understand this means you will not be welcome in our synagogue".

"We know", said the young man, hanging his head. "We're not welcome at Home Depot either".



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The Postman Pat

One Monday morning the Postman Pat is driving the neighborhood on his usual route. As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were in the driveway. His wonder was cut short by Bob, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles. "Wow. Bob, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night", Postman Pat comments.

Bob, in obvious pain, replies "Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning. We had about fifteen couples from around the neighborhood over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild. Hell, we all got so drunk around midnight that we started playing WHO AM I".

Postman Pat thinks a moment and says, "How do you play WHO AM I?"

"Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us and only our 'privates' showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is".

Postman Pat laughs and says, "Damn, I'm sorry I missed that."

"Probably a good thing you did," Bob responds. "Your name came up seven times"!


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Some Wonderful Proverbs:


If the rich could hire other people to die for them, the poor could make a wonderful living.
Yiddish Proverb

The wise man, even when he holds his tongue, says more than the fool when he speaks.
Yiddish Proverb

What you don't see with your eyes, don't invent with your mouth.
Yiddish proverb

A hero is someone who can keep his mouth shut when he is right.
Yiddish Proverb

One old friend is better than two new ones.
Yiddish Proverb

One of life's greatest mysteries is how the boy who wasn't good enough to marry your daughter can be the father of the smartest grandchild in the world.
Jewish Proverb

Old friends, like old wines, don't lose their flavor.
Jewish Proverb

A wise man hears one word and understands two.
Yiddish Proverb

"Don't be so humble - you are not that great."
Golda Meir (1898-1978) to a visiting diplomat

Pessimism is a luxury that a Jew can never allow himself.
Golda Meir

Any intelligent fool can make things bigger and more complex. It takes a touch of genius - and a lot of ourage to move in the opposite direction.
Albert Einstein

Life is like riding a bicycle. To keep your balance you must keep moving.
Albert Einstein

When his wife asked him to change clothes to meet the German Ambassador, he said "If they want to see me, here I am. If they want to see my clothes, open my closet and show them my suits."
Albert Einstein

Intellectuals solve problems; geniuses prevent them.
Albert Einstein

The hardest thing in the world to understand is income tax.
Albert Einstein

You can't control the wind, but you can adjust your sails.
Yiddish proverb

I don't want to become immortal through my work. I want to become immortal through not dying.
Woody Allen

I'm not afraid of dying - I just don't want to be there when it happens!
Woody Allen

Imagination is more important than knowledge.
Sign hanging in Einstein's office at Princeton.

Not everything that counts can be counted, and not everything that can be counted counts
Albert Einstein

We can't solve problems by using the same kind of thinking we used when we created them.
Albert Einstein

Education is what remains after one has forgotten everything he learned in school.
Albert Einstein

Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe.
Albert Einstein


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Womanly Truisms


Life is an endless struggle full of frustrations and challenges, but eventually you find a hair stylist you like.

Perhaps you know why women over fifty don't have babies: They would put them down somewhere and forget where they left them.

One of the life's mysteries is how a two pound box of candy can make a woman gain five pounds.

The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing in the right place, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.

Time may be a great healer, but it's also a lousy beautician.

Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.

Life not only begins at forty, it begins to show.

Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.

If at first you don't succeed, see if the loser gets anything.

I had to give up jogging for my health. My thighs kept rubbing together and setting my pantyhose on fire.

Amazing! You just hang something in your closet for a while, and it shrinks two sizes.

Age is important only if you're cheese or wine.

The only time a woman wishes she were a year older is when she is expecting a baby.

Freedom of the press means no-iron clothes.

Inside some of us is a thin person struggling to get out, but she can usually be sedated with a few pieces of chocolate cake.




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Service Fee


A Montana rancher got in his pickup and drove to a neighboring ranch and knocked at the door. A young boy, about 9, opened the door.

"Yer Dad home?' the rancher asked.

'No sir, he ain't,' the boy replied. 'He went into town."

"Well," said the rancher, 'is yer Mom here?'

"No, sir, she ain't here neither. She went into town with Dad."

"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"

"He went with Mom and Dad."

The rancher stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself.

"Is there anything I can do fer ya?" the boy asked politely. "I knows where all the tools are, if you want to borry one. Or maybe I could take a message fer Dad."

"Well," said the rancher uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to yer Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Pearly Mae, pregnant."

The boy considered for a momen t "You would have to talk to Pa about that," he finally conceded. "If it helps you any, I know that Pa charges $50 for the bull and $25 for the boar, but, I really don't know how much he gets fer Howard."





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I Hate My Job

For when you have a bad day When you have a "I Hate My Job"; day, try this:

On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson. Be very sure you get this brand.


When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed. Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favorite chair. Open the package and remove the
thermometer. Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken.


Now the fun part begins. Take out the literature from the box and read it carefully. You will notice that in small print there is a statement: "Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson is personally tested? And then sanitized ".


Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times,"I am so glad I do not work in the thermometer quality control department at Johnson & Johnson."


HAVE A NICE DAY AND REMEMBER, THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE ELSE WITH A JOB THAT IS MORE OF A PAIN IN THE A $$ THAN YOURS!


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Pyramid of Jokes


There was 3 girls, a blonde, a brunette and a red head and they found a pyramid. They read a tablet that said "this is the pyramid of 100 steps. if you get to the top of it, you will get what you've wanted all your life. but be warned, every 5 steps a person will pop out and tell a joke, and if you laugh, you can never try again...

...so the brunette gets to the 5th step and laughs, so she could never try again.

...the red head got to the 20th step and laughed, so she could never try again.

...then the blonde got to the 99th step and laughed.

The guy who was going to tell the joke said "why did you laugh, I didn't tell the joke yet".

The blonde said "I know, I laughed because I just got the first joke"!!!


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Saved by The...

The boy is holding a quarter. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The father realizes the boy has swallowed the quarter and starts panicking, shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the book store.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants, takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the quarter, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman pockets the coin and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?"

"No," the woman replied. "Divorce attorney."


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Superman

Clark, Lois, and Jimmy were striding down the streets of Metropolis one sunny afternoon. As they passed a construction site, Lois noticed a worker carrying a load of bricks up the ladder on his shoulder.

She stopped dead, looked hard at him; then turned to the others and said, "Someone should write a song: 'Bricking Up is Hod to Do'."

Jimmy Olsen stopped dead in his tracks, slapped his thigh, and let loose a series of guffaws that reverberated across the street. He suddenly paused mid-laugh and looked at Clark, who stood there, stoic as ever. "Gee, Mr. Kent, that was a real laugh. Don't you get it?"

"Sorry, Jimmy," replied Clark Kent. "I ignore those. Remember that puns are the Lois form of humor."


Filed under: groaner


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Lots of Patience


An 80-year-old guy marries a 20 year old beauty. She, of course, is thinking about the inheritance that will soon come her way. She may even speed along the time that this inheritance arrives by giving the old guy a very active sex life.

So, imagine her distress when, on the third day of their honeymoon, she finds her new husband in bed with a 45 year old lady.

The young woman finally blurts out "What does she have, that I don't have?"

Her spouse replies, "Lots of patience."


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Build your own satellite and have it launched into Space.

AmbaSat-1 is a tiny Space satellite kit that you launch yourself
¯\_(ツ)_/¯




The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

We try to bust a gut with our funny, Yo Mama, Redneck, lawyer, animal, relationship and crap jokes.

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