Saturday 19th September 2020 - 23:19:55 

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From the Mouths’ of Darling Babies

A mother took her five-year-old son with her to the bank on a busy lunchtime.

They got behind a very fat woman wearing a business suit complete with pager.

As they waited patiently, the little boy said loudly, "Gee, she's fat!"

The mother bent down and whispered in the little boys ear to be quiet.

A couple of minutes passed by and the little boy spread his hands as far as they would go and announced; "I'll bet her butt is this wide!"

The fat woman turns around and glares at the little boy. The mother gave him a good telling off, and told him to be quiet.

After a brief lull, the large woman reached the front of the line. Just then, her pager began to emit a beep, beep, beep.

The little boy yells out, "Run for your life, she's backing up!!


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Charles Atlas

A man was sitting in the bar when he noticed another patron a few stools away. The guy had a body like Charles Atlas, but his head was the size of a thimble.

The first man said, "Please excuse me for staring, but I can't help but be curious as to why your body is so well developed, but your head is so small?"

The man said, "Buy me a drink and I’ll tell you."

The drink was ordered and the story began. "I was in the navy and my ship was sunk by a torpedo. I was the only survivor and I managed to make it to a deserted island a few miles away. I had been there alone for several months and was sitting on the beach one day waiting for a bird or fish to come by so I would have something to eat, looking up I saw a beautiful mermaid sunning on a nearby rock. She swam over to me and informed me that she was a magical mermaid and could grant me three wishes. 'Great,' I said. 'I’d like to be rescued.'"

"She slapped the water with her tail and a ship appeared, sailing straight for my island.

Next I asked for a body like Charles Atlas. Another slap of the tail and here it is.

Then, noticing how beautiful she was and all my other wishes fulfilled I asked if I could make love to her. She said no that it just wouldn't work her being half fish and all. So I said, 'Well, how about a little head then?'


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Rest In Peace



A new business was opening and one of the owner's friends wanted to send flowers for the occasion. They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card; it said "Rest in Peace".

The owner was angry and called the florist to complain. After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was.

The florist said. "Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry you should imagine this: somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying, "Congratulations on your new location".


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Three Priests


Three priests were in a railroad station on their way home to Pittsburgh. Behind the ticket counter was a very sexy, shapely, well endowed woman wearing a very tight, skimpy sweater. She made the three priests very nervous, so they drew straws to determine who would get the tickets.

The first priest approached the window. "Young lady, I would like three pickets to titsburg", He completely lost his composure and fled.

The second priest goes to the window. "Young lady, I would like three tickets to Pittsburgh and I would like the change in nipples and dimes". Mortified, he too fled.

"Morons...." the third priest mutters and moves to the window. "Young lady, I would like three tickets to Pittsburgh and I would like the change in nickels and dimes. And, if you insist on dressing like that, when you get to the pearly gates, St. Finger's going to shake his Peter at you".

They took the bus.


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Normal?


My friend announced that society was on a steady down-hill road. "Everyone today," she said, "Is messed up in the mind, a druggie, or a nymphomaniac." My other friend laughed and nodded. Never having heard the word before, I puzzled over what 'nymphomaniac' could mean.

Trying not to sound stupid, I swallowed my pride and asked "What's that?"

"A girl who's obsessed with sex," explained my second friend.

I paused for a moment, thinking. "Then what," I asked, "Is a guy obsessed with sex?"

My first friend had an answer immediately: "Normal!"



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Judge and the Prostitute

Judge asked prostitute "So when did you realize you were raped"?

Prostitute replied wiping her tears "When the cheque bounced"!!!!


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Broken Fence in Dc

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House in Washington, D.C. One is from New Jersey, another from Tennessee and the third, Florida. They all go with a White House official to examine the fence.

The Florida contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew, and $100 profit for me."

The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The New Jersey contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$2,700.00."

The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"

The New Jersey contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence."

"Done!" replies the government official.

And that, my friends, is how it all works !!!!




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The Surrogate Father


The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.

'Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...

''Oh, no need to explain', Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you'.

''Have you really' said the photographer? 'Well, that's good.Did you know babies are my specialty'?

'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in andhave a seat'. After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start'?

'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub,one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And some times the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there".

''Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me"!

''Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time.But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results".

'My, that's a lot', gasped Mrs. Smith!

'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.

''Don't I know it', said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a Bus', he said.

'Oh, my God' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat!

"And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with".

''She was difficult' asked Mrs. Smith?

'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look'.

''Four and five deep' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement?

'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours,too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in'.

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment"?

''It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away".

'Tripod"?'

'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long'.


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Abstain from Sex


A young couple wanted to join the synagogue, the Rabbi told them, "We have a special requirement for new member couples. You must abstain from sex for one whole month".

The couple agreed, but after two-and-a-half weeks returned to the synagogue. When the Rabbi ushered them into his office, the wife was crying and the husband was obviously very depressed. "You are back so soon... Is there a problem"?, the Rabbi inquired.

"We are terribly ashamed to admit that we did not manage to abstain from sex for the required month". the young man replied sadly.

The Rabbi asked him what happened.

"Well, the first week was difficult... However, we managed to abstain through sheer willpower. The second week was terrible, but with the use of prayer, we managed to abstain. However, the third week was unbearable. We tried cold showers, prayer, reading from the Bible...anything to keep our minds off carnal thoughts. One afternoon my wife reached for a can of paint and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and I just had my way with her right then and there. It was lustful, loud, passionate sex. It lasted for over an hour and when we were done we were both drenched in sweat", admitted the man, shamefacedly.

The Rabbi lowered his head and said sternly, "You understand this means you will not be welcome in our synagogue".

"We know", said the young man, hanging his head. "We're not welcome at Home Depot either".



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The Postman Pat

One Monday morning the Postman Pat is driving the neighborhood on his usual route. As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were in the driveway. His wonder was cut short by Bob, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles. "Wow. Bob, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night", Postman Pat comments.

Bob, in obvious pain, replies "Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning. We had about fifteen couples from around the neighborhood over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild. Hell, we all got so drunk around midnight that we started playing WHO AM I".

Postman Pat thinks a moment and says, "How do you play WHO AM I?"

"Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us and only our 'privates' showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is".

Postman Pat laughs and says, "Damn, I'm sorry I missed that."

"Probably a good thing you did," Bob responds. "Your name came up seven times"!


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