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The Lumberyard


Some men in a pickup truck drove into a lumberyard. One of the men walked in the office and said, "We need some four-by-twos."

The clerk asked, "You mean two-by-fours, don't you?"

The man said, "I'll go check," and went back to the truck. He returned and said, "Yeah, I meant two-by-four."

"All right. How long do you need them?"

The customer paused for a minute and said, "I'd better go check." After a while, the customer returned to the office and said, "A long time. We're gonna build a house."





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Cherry Vanilla Ice Cream


Little Johnny rushes home from school. He invades the fridge and is scooping out some cherry vanilla ice cream when his mother enters the kitchen. She says, "Put that away, Little Johnny. You can't have ice cream now. It's too close to supper time. Go outside and play".

Little Johnny whimpers and says, "There's no one to play with".

Trying to placate him, she says, "OK. I'll play with you. What do you want to play"?

"I wanna play 'Mommie and Daddy", Little Johnny whines in reply.

Trying not to register surprise, and to further appease him, she says, "Fine, I'll play. What do I do"?

Little Johnny says, "You go up to the bedroom and lie down as if you're taking a nap".

Figuring that she can easily control the situation, Mom goes upstairs.

Little Johnny, acting a bit cocky, swaggers down the hall and opens the utility closet. He puts on his fathers old fishing hat. As he starts up the stairs, he notices a cigarette butt in the ashtray on the end table. He picks it up and slips it in the corner of his mouth. At the top of the stairs he moves to the bedroom doorway.

His mother raises her head and asks, "What do I do now"?

In a gruff manner, Little Johnny says, "Get your ass downstairs and get that kid some ice cream"!




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Traffic Stop

A Connecticut State Trooper stops a man for running a red light. The guy is a real jerk and comes running back to the Trooper. The violator demands to know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo! So the Trooper calmly tells him of the red light violation. The "Motorist" instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the Trooper's ancestry, sexual orientation, etc., in rather explicit terms. The Trooper, being a professional, takes it all in stride. The tirade goes on without the Trooper saying anything. When he finishes writing the citation he puts an "AH" in the lower right corner of the narrative portion of the citation. He then hands it to the violator for his signature.

The guy signs the citation angrily, tearing the paper, and when presented his copy points to the "AH" and demands to know what it stands for. The Trooper then removes his sunglasses, gets in the middle of the guys face and says, "That's so when we go to court, I'll remember you're an Asshole!"

Three months later they are in court. The violator has such a bad record he is about to lose his license and has hired an attorney to represent him. On the stand the Trooper testifies to seeing the man run the red light. Under cross examination the defense attorney asks "Trooper, is this a reasonable facsimile of the citation you issued my client?"

Trooper responds, "Yes sir, this is the defendant's copy, his signature and mine, same number at the top."

Attorney: "Trooper, is there any particular marking or notation on this citation you don't normally make?"

Trooper: "Yes sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an "AH", underlined."

Attorney: "What does the AH stand for, Trooper?"

Trooper: "Aggressive and Hostile, Sir."

Attorney: "Aggressive and hostile?"

Trooper: "Yes Sir."

Attorney: "Trooper, are you sure it doesn't stand for Asshole?"

Trooper: "Well Sir, You know your client better than I do!"



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Three Wishes


A guy is walking along a beach when he comes across a lamp partially buried in the sand. He picks up the lamp and gives it a rub. Two genies appear and they tell him he has been granted three wishes.

The guy makes his three wishes and the genies disappear. The next thing the guy knows, he's in a bedroom, in a mansion surrounded by 50 beautiful women. He makes love to all of them and begins to explore the house.

Suddenly he feels something soft under his feet, he looks down and the floor is covered in $100 bills.

Then, there is a knock at the door. He answers the door and standing there are the two genies. They drag him outside to the nearest tree, throw a rope over a limb and hang him by the neck until he is dead.

As the genies walk off, one genie says to the other one "Hey, I can understand the first wish having all these beautiful women in a big mansion to make love to. I can also understand him wanting to be a millionaire. But to be well hung is beyond me!"


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Tarot Reader...


Suzi visited a psychic of some local repute.

In a dark and gloomy room, gazing at the tarot cards laid out before her, the tarot reader delivered the bad news:

"There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt. Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year".

Visibly shaken, Suzi stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself.

She simply had to know.

Suzi met the tarot reader's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked: "Will I get away with it"?


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From the Mouths’ of Darling Babies

A mother took her five-year-old son with her to the bank on a busy lunchtime.

They got behind a very fat woman wearing a business suit complete with pager.

As they waited patiently, the little boy said loudly, "Gee, she's fat!"

The mother bent down and whispered in the little boys ear to be quiet.

A couple of minutes passed by and the little boy spread his hands as far as they would go and announced; "I'll bet her butt is this wide!"

The fat woman turns around and glares at the little boy. The mother gave him a good telling off, and told him to be quiet.

After a brief lull, the large woman reached the front of the line. Just then, her pager began to emit a beep, beep, beep.

The little boy yells out, "Run for your life, she's backing up!!


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Charles Atlas

A man was sitting in the bar when he noticed another patron a few stools away. The guy had a body like Charles Atlas, but his head was the size of a thimble.

The first man said, "Please excuse me for staring, but I can't help but be curious as to why your body is so well developed, but your head is so small?"

The man said, "Buy me a drink and I’ll tell you."

The drink was ordered and the story began. "I was in the navy and my ship was sunk by a torpedo. I was the only survivor and I managed to make it to a deserted island a few miles away. I had been there alone for several months and was sitting on the beach one day waiting for a bird or fish to come by so I would have something to eat, looking up I saw a beautiful mermaid sunning on a nearby rock. She swam over to me and informed me that she was a magical mermaid and could grant me three wishes. 'Great,' I said. 'I’d like to be rescued.'"

"She slapped the water with her tail and a ship appeared, sailing straight for my island.

Next I asked for a body like Charles Atlas. Another slap of the tail and here it is.

Then, noticing how beautiful she was and all my other wishes fulfilled I asked if I could make love to her. She said no that it just wouldn't work her being half fish and all. So I said, 'Well, how about a little head then?'


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Rest In Peace



A new business was opening and one of the owner's friends wanted to send flowers for the occasion. They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card; it said "Rest in Peace".

The owner was angry and called the florist to complain. After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was.

The florist said. "Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry you should imagine this: somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying, "Congratulations on your new location".


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Three Priests


Three priests were in a railroad station on their way home to Pittsburgh. Behind the ticket counter was a very sexy, shapely, well endowed woman wearing a very tight, skimpy sweater. She made the three priests very nervous, so they drew straws to determine who would get the tickets.

The first priest approached the window. "Young lady, I would like three pickets to titsburg", He completely lost his composure and fled.

The second priest goes to the window. "Young lady, I would like three tickets to Pittsburgh and I would like the change in nipples and dimes". Mortified, he too fled.

"Morons...." the third priest mutters and moves to the window. "Young lady, I would like three tickets to Pittsburgh and I would like the change in nickels and dimes. And, if you insist on dressing like that, when you get to the pearly gates, St. Finger's going to shake his Peter at you".

They took the bus.


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Normal?


My friend announced that society was on a steady down-hill road. "Everyone today," she said, "Is messed up in the mind, a druggie, or a nymphomaniac." My other friend laughed and nodded. Never having heard the word before, I puzzled over what 'nymphomaniac' could mean.

Trying not to sound stupid, I swallowed my pride and asked "What's that?"

"A girl who's obsessed with sex," explained my second friend.

I paused for a moment, thinking. "Then what," I asked, "Is a guy obsessed with sex?"

My first friend had an answer immediately: "Normal!"



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