Tuesday 19th March 2019 - 23:38:38 

Previously On Johns-Jokes

NO Pictures - Just Jokes
Mobile User Friendly


Fourth Marriage


An 80 year old woman marries for the 4th time.

The local news station was interviewing an 80 year old lady because she had just gotten married again for the fourth time. The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation.

'He's a funeral director,' she answered.

'Interesting,' the newsman thought. He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living.

She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she'd first married a banker when she was in her early 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, later on a preacher when in her 60's, and now in her 80's, a funeral director.

The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.

She smiled and explained, 'I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go.'




Share with friends?

Funny Pictures


Maud, Mavis and Ethel



Maud, Mavis and Ethel were sitting on a bench at the old people's home, minding their own business, when suddenly one of the more active male residents walked up to them, opened his raincoat and flashed the three ladies. Maud and Mavis immediately had a stroke. Ethel, bless her heart, also tried but couldn't quite reach.






Share with friends?

Funny Pictures


Shopping!


A woman was in town on a shopping trip. She began her day finding the most perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale in the second. In the third everything had just been reduced to a fiver when her mobile phone rang. It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU. The woman told the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that she'd be there as soon as possible.

As she hung up she realized she was leaving what was shaping up to be her best day ever in the shops. She decided to get in a couple of more shops before heading to the hospital.

She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a beautiful coffee slice complimentary from the last shop She was jubilant. Then she remembered her husband.

Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital. She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her Husband's condition. The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, 'You went ahead and finished your shopping trip didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself in town, your husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit! It's just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will be more than likely the last shopping trip you ever take! For the rest of his life he will require round the clock care. And you'll now be his carer!' The woman was feeling so guilty she broke down and sobbed.

The doctor then chuckled and said, 'I'm just pulling your leg. he's dead. What'd you buy?'



Share with friends?

Funny Pictures


Little Sarah



Little Sarah came home from school and with a smile on her face and told her mother. "Frank Brown showed me his willy today!"

Before the mother could raise a concern, Sarah went on to say, "It reminded me of a peanut"

Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sarah's Mum asked, "Really small was it?"

Sarah replied, "No...salty




Share with friends?

Funny Pictures


The Hamster


A mangy looking guy who goes into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says, "No way. I don't think you can pay for it.

" The guy says, "You're right. I don't have any money, but if I show you something you haven't seen before, will you give me a drink?

" The bartender says, "Only if what you show me ain't risque."

"Deal!" says the guy and reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a hamster. He puts the hamster on the bar and it runs to the end of the bar, down the bar, across the room, up the piano, jumps on the keyboard and starts playing Gershwin songs. And the hamster is really good.

The bartender says, "You're right. I've never seen anything like that before. That hamster is truly good on the piano." The guy downs the drink and asks the bartender for another.

"Money or another miracle else no drink," says the bartender.

The guy reaches into his coat again and pulls out a frog. He puts the frog on the bar, and the frog starts to sing. He has a marvelous voice and great pitch. A fine singer.

A stranger from the other end of the bar runs over to the guy and offers him $300 for the frog.

The guy says, "It's a deal." He takes the three hundred and gives the stranger the frog and the stranger runs out of the bar.

The bartender says to the guy, "Are you some kind of nut? You sold a singing frog for $300? It must have been worth millions. You must be crazy."

"Not so", says the guy, "the hamster is also a ventriloquist." .




Share with friends?

Funny Pictures


Beer Cannon Montage


I am not a big fan of YouTube but must admit that with this particular video clip I was well impressed.

The accompanying classical music was timed to perfection with the gradual build up and the finale was fantastic.

Well worth watching and make sure you have your sound at maximum volume.


Beer Cannon Montage











Share with friends?

Funny Pictures


Little Johnny ask his Teacher ’is that Sex’?

It was decided to teach sex education in school and the principal chose his favorite teacher's second grade class as a trial. The teacher showed the film, read the material to her students and then asked if anyone had questions.

One little boy held up his hand and shyly said, "Teacher, I have a boy dog and he jumps over the fence and wrestles with this girl dog and she has puppies. Is this sex"?

The teacher replied, "Yes, that's sex".

A little girl raised her hand and asked, "Teacher, I have a girl cat and there's a boy cat that jumps on her out in the yard and they wrestle. Then she has kittens. Is that sex"?

The teacher said, "Yes, that's sex".

Little Johnny raises his hand and blurted, "Teacher, the other night I saw a movie where three guys wrestled with James Bond. Is that sex"?

The teacher shook her head and said, "No, that was not sex"!

Little Johnny replied, "Whew! I thought it would take more than three guys to screw James Bond"!


Share with friends?

Funny Pictures


The Lumberyard


Some men in a pickup truck drove into a lumberyard. One of the men walked in the office and said, "We need some four-by-twos."

The clerk asked, "You mean two-by-fours, don't you?"

The man said, "I'll go check," and went back to the truck. He returned and said, "Yeah, I meant two-by-four."

"All right. How long do you need them?"

The customer paused for a minute and said, "I'd better go check." After a while, the customer returned to the office and said, "A long time. We're gonna build a house."





Share with friends?

Funny Pictures


Cherry Vanilla Ice Cream


Little Johnny rushes home from school. He invades the fridge and is scooping out some cherry vanilla ice cream when his mother enters the kitchen. She says, "Put that away, Little Johnny. You can't have ice cream now. It's too close to supper time. Go outside and play".

Little Johnny whimpers and says, "There's no one to play with".

Trying to placate him, she says, "OK. I'll play with you. What do you want to play"?

"I wanna play 'Mommie and Daddy", Little Johnny whines in reply.

Trying not to register surprise, and to further appease him, she says, "Fine, I'll play. What do I do"?

Little Johnny says, "You go up to the bedroom and lie down as if you're taking a nap".

Figuring that she can easily control the situation, Mom goes upstairs.

Little Johnny, acting a bit cocky, swaggers down the hall and opens the utility closet. He puts on his fathers old fishing hat. As he starts up the stairs, he notices a cigarette butt in the ashtray on the end table. He picks it up and slips it in the corner of his mouth. At the top of the stairs he moves to the bedroom doorway.

His mother raises her head and asks, "What do I do now"?

In a gruff manner, Little Johnny says, "Get your ass downstairs and get that kid some ice cream"!




Share with friends?

Funny Pictures


Traffic Stop

A Connecticut State Trooper stops a man for running a red light. The guy is a real jerk and comes running back to the Trooper. The violator demands to know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo! So the Trooper calmly tells him of the red light violation. The "Motorist" instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the Trooper's ancestry, sexual orientation, etc., in rather explicit terms. The Trooper, being a professional, takes it all in stride. The tirade goes on without the Trooper saying anything. When he finishes writing the citation he puts an "AH" in the lower right corner of the narrative portion of the citation. He then hands it to the violator for his signature.

The guy signs the citation angrily, tearing the paper, and when presented his copy points to the "AH" and demands to know what it stands for. The Trooper then removes his sunglasses, gets in the middle of the guys face and says, "That's so when we go to court, I'll remember you're an Asshole!"

Three months later they are in court. The violator has such a bad record he is about to lose his license and has hired an attorney to represent him. On the stand the Trooper testifies to seeing the man run the red light. Under cross examination the defense attorney asks "Trooper, is this a reasonable facsimile of the citation you issued my client?"

Trooper responds, "Yes sir, this is the defendant's copy, his signature and mine, same number at the top."

Attorney: "Trooper, is there any particular marking or notation on this citation you don't normally make?"

Trooper: "Yes sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an "AH", underlined."

Attorney: "What does the AH stand for, Trooper?"

Trooper: "Aggressive and Hostile, Sir."

Attorney: "Aggressive and hostile?"

Trooper: "Yes Sir."

Attorney: "Trooper, are you sure it doesn't stand for Asshole?"

Trooper: "Well Sir, You know your client better than I do!"



Share with friends?

Funny Pictures



Old Jokes   90    91    92    93  94  95    96    97    98   Latest


This can save your bacon

¯\_(ツ)_/¯




The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

We try to bust a gut with our funny, Yo Mama, Redneck, lawyer, animal, relationship and crap jokes.

You only live once!   So make sure you spend 15 hours on the internet everyday, seeking validation from strangers.

Fuelled by: CodeIgniter - ver: 3.1.9  Debug: 3.91.79.74 / 833,192Mb / 23:38:38 / 200 / No Errors