Saturday 7th December 2019 - 16:09:03 

Previously On Johns-Jokes

NO Pictures - Just Jokes
Mobile User Friendly


Little Johnny asked by his Teacher to Describe his Mother


The teacher announces, "The topic of the day is describe your mother to me as a bird, and tell me why".

She leaves the kiddies for a short while and then asks them their answers.

Kelly at the front goes first, "My Mummy's like a swan, because she's pretty and elegant".

"Thank you, Kelly", says teacher, and she continues going around the class.

Bobby says, "My Mummy's like a stork, cos she has babies and babies, and I have 7 brothers and 3 sisters".

"Thank you Bobby", says the teacher, and continues with the other students.

Finally there is no one left but Little Johnny, so the teacher finally asks him, "Johnny, what bird most resembles your mother"?

Little Johnny pipes up with, "A thrush"!

The teacher, thinking she may finally have a decent answer asks, "Why is that"?

Little Johnny replies, "Because she's an irritating cunt".







Share with friends?

Funny Pictures


Old Dog


An old, tired-looking dog wandered into the yard. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home.

He followed me into the house, down the hall, and fell asleep in a corner. An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out.

The next day he was back, resumed his position in the hall, and slept for an hour. This continued for several weeks.

Curious, I pinned a note to his collar: "Every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap."

The next day he arrived with a different note pinned to his collar:
"He lives in a home with ten children -- he's trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow"?


Share with friends?

Funny Pictures


Seasonal Greetings


I wanted to send out some sort of holiday greeting, but it is so difficult in today's world to know exactly what to say without offending someone.

So I met with my solicitor yesterday, and on his advice (and after ?299 in consultation fees and numerous drafts) I wish to say the following:

Please accept with no obligation implied or implicit my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible low stress non addictive gender neutral celebration of the season solstice holiday practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion or secular practices of your choice with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all.

I also wish you a fiscally successful personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2008 but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make England great (not to imply that England is necessarily greater than any other country or is the only "England" in the western hemisphere) and without regard to the race creed colour age physical ability religious faith or sexual preference of the wished.

By accepting this greeting, you are accepting these terms:

This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal.

It is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting.

It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for her/him or others and is void where prohibited by law and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher.

This wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one year or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting whichever comes first and warranty is limited to replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher...


Best Regards,


Share with friends?

Funny Pictures


Fourth Marriage


An 80 year old woman marries for the 4th time.

The local news station was interviewing an 80 year old lady because she had just gotten married again for the fourth time. The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation.

'He's a funeral director,' she answered.

'Interesting,' the newsman thought. He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living.

She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she'd first married a banker when she was in her early 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, later on a preacher when in her 60's, and now in her 80's, a funeral director.

The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.

She smiled and explained, 'I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go.'




Share with friends?

Funny Pictures


Maud, Mavis and Ethel



Maud, Mavis and Ethel were sitting on a bench at the old people's home, minding their own business, when suddenly one of the more active male residents walked up to them, opened his raincoat and flashed the three ladies. Maud and Mavis immediately had a stroke. Ethel, bless her heart, also tried but couldn't quite reach.






Share with friends?

Funny Pictures


Shopping!


A woman was in town on a shopping trip. She began her day finding the most perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale in the second. In the third everything had just been reduced to a fiver when her mobile phone rang. It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU. The woman told the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that she'd be there as soon as possible.

As she hung up she realized she was leaving what was shaping up to be her best day ever in the shops. She decided to get in a couple of more shops before heading to the hospital.

She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a beautiful coffee slice complimentary from the last shop She was jubilant. Then she remembered her husband.

Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital. She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her Husband's condition. The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, 'You went ahead and finished your shopping trip didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself in town, your husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit! It's just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will be more than likely the last shopping trip you ever take! For the rest of his life he will require round the clock care. And you'll now be his carer!' The woman was feeling so guilty she broke down and sobbed.

The doctor then chuckled and said, 'I'm just pulling your leg. he's dead. What'd you buy?'



Share with friends?

Funny Pictures


Little Sarah



Little Sarah came home from school and with a smile on her face and told her mother. "Frank Brown showed me his willy today!"

Before the mother could raise a concern, Sarah went on to say, "It reminded me of a peanut"

Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sarah's Mum asked, "Really small was it?"

Sarah replied, "No...salty




Share with friends?

Funny Pictures


The Hamster


A mangy looking guy who goes into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says, "No way. I don't think you can pay for it.

" The guy says, "You're right. I don't have any money, but if I show you something you haven't seen before, will you give me a drink?

" The bartender says, "Only if what you show me ain't risque."

"Deal!" says the guy and reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a hamster. He puts the hamster on the bar and it runs to the end of the bar, down the bar, across the room, up the piano, jumps on the keyboard and starts playing Gershwin songs. And the hamster is really good.

The bartender says, "You're right. I've never seen anything like that before. That hamster is truly good on the piano." The guy downs the drink and asks the bartender for another.

"Money or another miracle else no drink," says the bartender.

The guy reaches into his coat again and pulls out a frog. He puts the frog on the bar, and the frog starts to sing. He has a marvelous voice and great pitch. A fine singer.

A stranger from the other end of the bar runs over to the guy and offers him $300 for the frog.

The guy says, "It's a deal." He takes the three hundred and gives the stranger the frog and the stranger runs out of the bar.

The bartender says to the guy, "Are you some kind of nut? You sold a singing frog for $300? It must have been worth millions. You must be crazy."

"Not so", says the guy, "the hamster is also a ventriloquist." .




Share with friends?

Funny Pictures


Beer Cannon Montage


I am not a big fan of YouTube but must admit that with this particular video clip I was well impressed.

The accompanying classical music was timed to perfection with the gradual build up and the finale was fantastic.

Well worth watching and make sure you have your sound at maximum volume.


Beer Cannon Montage











Share with friends?

Funny Pictures


Little Johnny ask his Teacher ’is that Sex’?

It was decided to teach sex education in school and the principal chose his favorite teacher's second grade class as a trial. The teacher showed the film, read the material to her students and then asked if anyone had questions.

One little boy held up his hand and shyly said, "Teacher, I have a boy dog and he jumps over the fence and wrestles with this girl dog and she has puppies. Is this sex"?

The teacher replied, "Yes, that's sex".

A little girl raised her hand and asked, "Teacher, I have a girl cat and there's a boy cat that jumps on her out in the yard and they wrestle. Then she has kittens. Is that sex"?

The teacher said, "Yes, that's sex".

Little Johnny raises his hand and blurted, "Teacher, the other night I saw a movie where three guys wrestled with James Bond. Is that sex"?

The teacher shook her head and said, "No, that was not sex"!

Little Johnny replied, "Whew! I thought it would take more than three guys to screw James Bond"!


Share with friends?

Funny Pictures



Old Jokes   91    92    93    94  95  96    97    98    99   Latest


Build your own satellite and have it launched into Space.

AmbaSat-1 is a tiny Space satellite kit that you launch yourself
¯\_(ツ)_/¯




The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

We try to bust a gut with our funny, Yo Mama, Redneck, lawyer, animal, relationship and crap jokes.

You only live once!   So make sure you spend 15 hours on the internet everyday, seeking validation from strangers.

Fuelled by: CodeIgniter - ver: 3.1.9  Debug: 3.95.131.208 / 830,440Mb / 16:09:03 / 200 / No Errors