Thursday 5th November 2020 - 05:10:03 

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Want to Live Longer?

Keep a pleasant disposition. At least, that's what the experts say.

I say life just seems longer because you?re so bored attempting to be nice all the time.

Here in my neck of the Florida woods, most every day some sweet old thing celebrates his or her 100th B?Day. And never with an ill word for anyone.

That just makes me sick.

Most of us have spent a lifetime being nice. Nice to our parents. Nice to our teachers. Nice to dates. And nice to bosses. Why, we've been nice to just about everyone. Even when it hurt.

Nice has become a way of life for our generation.

Even now that we are retired and don't have to be nice to anyone, most of us wouldn't say s**t if we had a mouthful.

Don?t you realize that at our age being nice is contrary to our natures? Grumpy is our true disposition. Besides, being cranky is what everyone expects.

Smile after 60, and the world is immediately suspicious of your every move. Everyone knows that your back aches, your sight is foggy, and you now enjoy the sex drive of a week-old donut.

What do you have to smile about, you old coot?

We're at an age when no matter how pleasant and innocuous we appear, society ignores us anyway, preferring that we, our wrinkles and our funky smells simply disappear, if not from the face of the earth, then at least from the line in front of them at McDonald's.

What to do?

I propose that you make a New Year's Resolution to be a curmudgeon in 2008.

Finally! A Resolution You Can Keep!

Personally, I'm now working hard at becoming a real pain in the ass.

Lucky for me, there's plenty to be a pain in the ass about. Wholesale rudeness. Airports. Congress. ?Customer service.? Telemarketers. Age discrimination. Our lousy healthcare system.

You have your own list. The trick is to do something about it.

As my friend J.C. Spitznagel likes to point out, "Well behaved seniors seldom make history.?

Great minds, from Aristotle to Churchill, all got crankier with age.

Start by getting a bumper sticker saying: "I'M RETIRED. But I work part time being a pain in the butt."

Bellyache every chance you get.

I don't recommend freestyle, angry-at-the-world grouchiness. There's nothing wrong with that as long as having friends is not a priority in your life.

Far more effective, however, is to practice righteous indignation against the specific evils on your list. It feels good. And you might
accomplish something beneficial for the world.

Dictionary: curmudgeon


a crusty irascible cantankerous old person full of stubborn ideas

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A Duck Hunter Gets Shot

A duck hunter was out enjoying a nice morning on the marsh when he decided to take a leak.... He walked over to a tree and propped up his gun. Just then a gust of wind blew, the gun fell over, and discharged... shooting him in the genitals.

Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed he was approached by his doctor.

"Well sir, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you are going to be ok, the damage was local to your groin, there was very little internal damage, and we were able to remove all of the buck shot. The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive damage done to your penis. I'm going to have to refer you to my brother."

"Oh, well I guess that isn't too bad," the man replied "is your brother a a plast ic surgeon?"

"Not exactly." answered the doctor. "He's a flute player in the local symphony....He's going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don't piss in your eye" .

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Old Butch the Rooster

John the farmer was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young hundred young layers (hens), called 'pullets', and ten roosters, whose job it was to fertilize the eggs.

The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of his time, so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so John could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.

The farmer's favorite rooster was old Butch, a very fine specimen he was, too. But on this particular morning John noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! John went to investigate. The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming , would run for cover.

But to Farmer John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. John was so proud of the old Butch, he entered him in the Renfrew County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.

The result...The judges not only awarded old Butch the No Bell Piece Prize, but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well.

Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making: who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.

VOTE CAREFULLY. . . the bells are not always audible . . . . .

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Little Johnny asked by his Teacher to Describe his Mother

The teacher announces, "The topic of the day is describe your mother to me as a bird, and tell me why".

She leaves the kiddies for a short while and then asks them their answers.

Kelly at the front goes first, "My Mummy's like a swan, because she's pretty and elegant".

"Thank you, Kelly", says teacher, and she continues going around the class.

Bobby says, "My Mummy's like a stork, cos she has babies and babies, and I have 7 brothers and 3 sisters".

"Thank you Bobby", says the teacher, and continues with the other students.

Finally there is no one left but Little Johnny, so the teacher finally asks him, "Johnny, what bird most resembles your mother"?

Little Johnny pipes up with, "A thrush"!

The teacher, thinking she may finally have a decent answer asks, "Why is that"?

Little Johnny replies, "Because she's an irritating cunt".

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Old Dog

An old, tired-looking dog wandered into the yard. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home.

He followed me into the house, down the hall, and fell asleep in a corner. An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out.

The next day he was back, resumed his position in the hall, and slept for an hour. This continued for several weeks.

Curious, I pinned a note to his collar: "Every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap."

The next day he arrived with a different note pinned to his collar:
"He lives in a home with ten children -- he's trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow"?

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Seasonal Greetings

I wanted to send out some sort of holiday greeting, but it is so difficult in today's world to know exactly what to say without offending someone.

So I met with my solicitor yesterday, and on his advice (and after ?299 in consultation fees and numerous drafts) I wish to say the following:

Please accept with no obligation implied or implicit my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible low stress non addictive gender neutral celebration of the season solstice holiday practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion or secular practices of your choice with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all.

I also wish you a fiscally successful personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2008 but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make England great (not to imply that England is necessarily greater than any other country or is the only "England" in the western hemisphere) and without regard to the race creed colour age physical ability religious faith or sexual preference of the wished.

By accepting this greeting, you are accepting these terms:

This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal.

It is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting.

It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for her/him or others and is void where prohibited by law and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher.

This wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one year or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting whichever comes first and warranty is limited to replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher...

Best Regards,

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Fourth Marriage

An 80 year old woman marries for the 4th time.

The local news station was interviewing an 80 year old lady because she had just gotten married again for the fourth time. The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation.

'He's a funeral director,' she answered.

'Interesting,' the newsman thought. He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living.

She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she'd first married a banker when she was in her early 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, later on a preacher when in her 60's, and now in her 80's, a funeral director.

The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.

She smiled and explained, 'I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go.'

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Maud, Mavis and Ethel

Maud, Mavis and Ethel were sitting on a bench at the old people's home, minding their own business, when suddenly one of the more active male residents walked up to them, opened his raincoat and flashed the three ladies. Maud and Mavis immediately had a stroke. Ethel, bless her heart, also tried but couldn't quite reach.

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A woman was in town on a shopping trip. She began her day finding the most perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale in the second. In the third everything had just been reduced to a fiver when her mobile phone rang. It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU. The woman told the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that she'd be there as soon as possible.

As she hung up she realized she was leaving what was shaping up to be her best day ever in the shops. She decided to get in a couple of more shops before heading to the hospital.

She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a beautiful coffee slice complimentary from the last shop She was jubilant. Then she remembered her husband.

Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital. She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her Husband's condition. The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, 'You went ahead and finished your shopping trip didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself in town, your husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit! It's just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will be more than likely the last shopping trip you ever take! For the rest of his life he will require round the clock care. And you'll now be his carer!' The woman was feeling so guilty she broke down and sobbed.

The doctor then chuckled and said, 'I'm just pulling your leg. he's dead. What'd you buy?'

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Little Sarah

Little Sarah came home from school and with a smile on her face and told her mother. "Frank Brown showed me his willy today!"

Before the mother could raise a concern, Sarah went on to say, "It reminded me of a peanut"

Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sarah's Mum asked, "Really small was it?"

Sarah replied, "No...salty

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Build your own satellite and have it launched into Space.

AmbaSat-1 is a tiny Space satellite kit that you launch yourself

The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

We try to bust a gut with our funny, Yo Mama, Redneck, lawyer, animal, relationship and crap jokes.

You only live once!   So make sure you spend 15 hours on the internet everyday, seeking validation from strangers.

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