Tuesday 25th September 2018 - 02:29:04 

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Speedy Morris


Speedy Morris was the basketball coach at LaSalle and they were having a pretty good season. One morning, he was shaving and the phone rang. His wife answered it and called out to him that Sports Illustrated wanted to talk to him.

Coach Morris was excited that his team was apparently about to receive national recognition in this famous sports magazine. As a matter of fact, he was so excited that he cut himself with his razor.

Covered with blood and shaving lather and running downstairs to the phone, he tripped and fell down the stairs. Finally, bleeding and bruised, he made it to the phone and breathlessly said, "Hello"?

The voice on the other end asked, "Is this Speedy Morris"?

"Yes, yes!" he replied excitedly.

Then the voice continued, "Mr. Morris, for just seventy-five cents an issue, we can give you a one-year subscription to Sports illustrated."







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For Those Who Love the Philosophy of Hypocrisy and Ambiguity....

1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

5. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

6. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

7. What if there were no hypothetical questions?

8. If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

9. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

10. Is there another word for synonym?

11. Where do forest rangers go to 'get away from it all?'

12. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

13. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

14. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

15. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

16. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

17. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

18. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to start speaking?

19. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

20. How do they get deer to cross the road only at those yellow road signs?

21. What was the best thing before sliced bread?

22. One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.

23. Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?

24. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

25. How is it possible to have a civil war?

26. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?

27. If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?

28. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

29. Whose cruel idea was it for the word 'Lisp' to have 'S' in it?

30. Why are hemorrhoids called 'hemorrhoids' instead of 'assteroids'?

31. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

32. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?


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Want to Live Longer?


Keep a pleasant disposition. At least, that's what the experts say.

I say life just seems longer because you?re so bored attempting to be nice all the time.

Here in my neck of the Florida woods, most every day some sweet old thing celebrates his or her 100th B?Day. And never with an ill word for anyone.

That just makes me sick.

Most of us have spent a lifetime being nice. Nice to our parents. Nice to our teachers. Nice to dates. And nice to bosses. Why, we've been nice to just about everyone. Even when it hurt.

Nice has become a way of life for our generation.

Even now that we are retired and don't have to be nice to anyone, most of us wouldn't say s**t if we had a mouthful.

Don?t you realize that at our age being nice is contrary to our natures? Grumpy is our true disposition. Besides, being cranky is what everyone expects.

Smile after 60, and the world is immediately suspicious of your every move. Everyone knows that your back aches, your sight is foggy, and you now enjoy the sex drive of a week-old donut.

What do you have to smile about, you old coot?

We're at an age when no matter how pleasant and innocuous we appear, society ignores us anyway, preferring that we, our wrinkles and our funky smells simply disappear, if not from the face of the earth, then at least from the line in front of them at McDonald's.

What to do?

I propose that you make a New Year's Resolution to be a curmudgeon in 2008.

Finally! A Resolution You Can Keep!

Personally, I'm now working hard at becoming a real pain in the ass.

Lucky for me, there's plenty to be a pain in the ass about. Wholesale rudeness. Airports. Congress. ?Customer service.? Telemarketers. Age discrimination. Our lousy healthcare system.

You have your own list. The trick is to do something about it.

As my friend J.C. Spitznagel likes to point out, "Well behaved seniors seldom make history.?

Great minds, from Aristotle to Churchill, all got crankier with age.

Start by getting a bumper sticker saying: "I'M RETIRED. But I work part time being a pain in the butt."

Bellyache every chance you get.

I don't recommend freestyle, angry-at-the-world grouchiness. There's nothing wrong with that as long as having friends is not a priority in your life.

Far more effective, however, is to practice righteous indignation against the specific evils on your list. It feels good. And you might
accomplish something beneficial for the world.




Dictionary: curmudgeon

noun

a crusty irascible cantankerous old person full of stubborn ideas


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A Duck Hunter Gets Shot

A duck hunter was out enjoying a nice morning on the marsh when he decided to take a leak.... He walked over to a tree and propped up his gun. Just then a gust of wind blew, the gun fell over, and discharged... shooting him in the genitals.

Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed he was approached by his doctor.

"Well sir, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you are going to be ok, the damage was local to your groin, there was very little internal damage, and we were able to remove all of the buck shot. The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive damage done to your penis. I'm going to have to refer you to my brother."

"Oh, well I guess that isn't too bad," the man replied "is your brother a a plast ic surgeon?"

"Not exactly." answered the doctor. "He's a flute player in the local symphony....He's going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don't piss in your eye" .





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Old Butch the Rooster


John the farmer was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young hundred young layers (hens), called 'pullets', and ten roosters, whose job it was to fertilize the eggs.


The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of his time, so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so John could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.


The farmer's favorite rooster was old Butch, a very fine specimen he was, too. But on this particular morning John noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! John went to investigate. The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming , would run for cover.


But to Farmer John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. John was so proud of the old Butch, he entered him in the Renfrew County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.


The result...The judges not only awarded old Butch the No Bell Piece Prize, but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well.


Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making: who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.


VOTE CAREFULLY. . . the bells are not always audible . . . . .












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Little Johnny asked by his Teacher to Describe his Mother


The teacher announces, "The topic of the day is describe your mother to me as a bird, and tell me why".

She leaves the kiddies for a short while and then asks them their answers.

Kelly at the front goes first, "My Mummy's like a swan, because she's pretty and elegant".

"Thank you, Kelly", says teacher, and she continues going around the class.

Bobby says, "My Mummy's like a stork, cos she has babies and babies, and I have 7 brothers and 3 sisters".

"Thank you Bobby", says the teacher, and continues with the other students.

Finally there is no one left but Little Johnny, so the teacher finally asks him, "Johnny, what bird most resembles your mother"?

Little Johnny pipes up with, "A thrush"!

The teacher, thinking she may finally have a decent answer asks, "Why is that"?

Little Johnny replies, "Because she's an irritating cunt".







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Old Dog


An old, tired-looking dog wandered into the yard. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home.

He followed me into the house, down the hall, and fell asleep in a corner. An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out.

The next day he was back, resumed his position in the hall, and slept for an hour. This continued for several weeks.

Curious, I pinned a note to his collar: "Every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap."

The next day he arrived with a different note pinned to his collar:
"He lives in a home with ten children -- he's trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow"?


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Seasonal Greetings


I wanted to send out some sort of holiday greeting, but it is so difficult in today's world to know exactly what to say without offending someone.

So I met with my solicitor yesterday, and on his advice (and after ?299 in consultation fees and numerous drafts) I wish to say the following:

Please accept with no obligation implied or implicit my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible low stress non addictive gender neutral celebration of the season solstice holiday practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion or secular practices of your choice with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all.

I also wish you a fiscally successful personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2008 but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make England great (not to imply that England is necessarily greater than any other country or is the only "England" in the western hemisphere) and without regard to the race creed colour age physical ability religious faith or sexual preference of the wished.

By accepting this greeting, you are accepting these terms:

This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal.

It is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting.

It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for her/him or others and is void where prohibited by law and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher.

This wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one year or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting whichever comes first and warranty is limited to replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher...


Best Regards,


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Fourth Marriage


An 80 year old woman marries for the 4th time.

The local news station was interviewing an 80 year old lady because she had just gotten married again for the fourth time. The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation.

'He's a funeral director,' she answered.

'Interesting,' the newsman thought. He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living.

She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she'd first married a banker when she was in her early 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, later on a preacher when in her 60's, and now in her 80's, a funeral director.

The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.

She smiled and explained, 'I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go.'




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Maud, Mavis and Ethel



Maud, Mavis and Ethel were sitting on a bench at the old people's home, minding their own business, when suddenly one of the more active male residents walked up to them, opened his raincoat and flashed the three ladies. Maud and Mavis immediately had a stroke. Ethel, bless her heart, also tried but couldn't quite reach.






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This can save your bacon

¯\_(ツ)_/¯




The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

We try to bust a gut with our funny, Yo Mama, Redneck, lawyer, animal, relationship and crap jokes.

You only live once!   So make sure you spend 15 hours on the internet everyday, seeking validation from strangers.

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