Saturday 25th May 2019 - 14:34:34 

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Shamus and Murphy Were Skint and Fancied a Pint



Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money between them; they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.

Murphy said 'Hang on, I have an idea.'

He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.

Shamus said 'Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all!'

Murphy replied, 'Don't worry - just follow me.'

He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jameson Whisky.

Shamus said 'Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!'

Murphy replied, with a smile. 'Don't worry, I have a plan, Cheers!'

They downed their Drinks. Murphy said, 'OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth.'

The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.

They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.

At the tenth pub Shamus said 'Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are killin'me!'

Murphy said, "How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage in the third pub".








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Amish and Elevator


An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially two shiny, silver walls in the hotel lobby that could move apart and back together again. The boy asked his father, "What is this father?"

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life. I don't know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an older lady, limping slightly with a cane, slowly walks up to the moving walls and pressed a button.

The walls opened and the lady walks between them and into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched, small circles of light with numbers above the wall light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction.

The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24-year-old woman stepped out.

The father said to his son, "Go get your Mother."





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Phone Sex


A local woman was admitted to the hospital after having phone sex.

Doctors removed 2 Nokias, 3 Motorolas and a Samsung.

No Siemen was found.











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Graveside Service



When the graveside service had no more than just finished, there was a tremendous burst of thunder accompanied by a distant lightning bolt, more rumbling thunder and more lightning.

The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, 'Well, she's arrived'.





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Bill and Sam the Long Term Buddies


Bill and Sam, two elderly friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems. One day Bill didn't show up. Sam wasn't concerned; he thought Bill might have a cold or some urgent appointment. But after Bill hadn't shown up for a week or so, Sam really got worried. However, since Sam didn't know where Bill lived (the only time they ever got together was at the park) he was unable to find out what had happened to him. After a month had passed, Sam figured he had seen the last of Bill.


On his next visit to the park, however, Bill was sitting on their usual bench waiting for him. Amazed and delighted, Sam exclaimed,'For crying out loud Bill, what in the world happened to you?'

Bill replied, 'I've been in jail.'

'Jail?' cried Sam. 'You?! What on earth for?'

'Well,' Bill said, 'you know Sue , that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where we sometimes go?'

'Yes,' said Sam, 'I remember her. What about her?'

'Well, one day she filed rape charges against me. At age 89,I was so proud that when I got into court, I pleaded 'guilty.'

'The judge gave me 30 days for perjury.






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Growing Up


One day a father and his ten-year-old son were on the bus, when the boy noticed a redhead with huge breasts. "Hey Pop," the son cried, "look at those boobs!"

Some years later, the father, a religious man, proceeded to send the boy to a military academy.

Six months later the boy came home and the father decided to take him on another bus ride.

Again, a woman with very large breasts sat across from them. To see if his son had learned any manners, the father exclaimed, "Look at the boobs on that redhead!"

"Boobs my eye," the boy replied with a smile, "get a load of the ass on that bus driver!"





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A Fricken Elephant


Jake is 5 and learning to read.

He points at a picture in a zoo book and says, "Look Mama! It's a frickin' Elephant!"

Deep breath ... "What did you call it?"

"It's a frickin' Elephant, Mama! It says so on the picture!"

and so it does ...

"A f r i c a n Elephant "



Hooked On Phonics strikes again.


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Speedy Morris


Speedy Morris was the basketball coach at LaSalle and they were having a pretty good season. One morning, he was shaving and the phone rang. His wife answered it and called out to him that Sports Illustrated wanted to talk to him.

Coach Morris was excited that his team was apparently about to receive national recognition in this famous sports magazine. As a matter of fact, he was so excited that he cut himself with his razor.

Covered with blood and shaving lather and running downstairs to the phone, he tripped and fell down the stairs. Finally, bleeding and bruised, he made it to the phone and breathlessly said, "Hello"?

The voice on the other end asked, "Is this Speedy Morris"?

"Yes, yes!" he replied excitedly.

Then the voice continued, "Mr. Morris, for just seventy-five cents an issue, we can give you a one-year subscription to Sports illustrated."







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For Those Who Love the Philosophy of Hypocrisy and Ambiguity....

1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

5. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

6. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

7. What if there were no hypothetical questions?

8. If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

9. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

10. Is there another word for synonym?

11. Where do forest rangers go to 'get away from it all?'

12. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

13. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

14. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

15. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

16. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

17. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

18. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to start speaking?

19. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

20. How do they get deer to cross the road only at those yellow road signs?

21. What was the best thing before sliced bread?

22. One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.

23. Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?

24. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

25. How is it possible to have a civil war?

26. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?

27. If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?

28. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

29. Whose cruel idea was it for the word 'Lisp' to have 'S' in it?

30. Why are hemorrhoids called 'hemorrhoids' instead of 'assteroids'?

31. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

32. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?


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Want to Live Longer?


Keep a pleasant disposition. At least, that's what the experts say.

I say life just seems longer because you?re so bored attempting to be nice all the time.

Here in my neck of the Florida woods, most every day some sweet old thing celebrates his or her 100th B?Day. And never with an ill word for anyone.

That just makes me sick.

Most of us have spent a lifetime being nice. Nice to our parents. Nice to our teachers. Nice to dates. And nice to bosses. Why, we've been nice to just about everyone. Even when it hurt.

Nice has become a way of life for our generation.

Even now that we are retired and don't have to be nice to anyone, most of us wouldn't say s**t if we had a mouthful.

Don?t you realize that at our age being nice is contrary to our natures? Grumpy is our true disposition. Besides, being cranky is what everyone expects.

Smile after 60, and the world is immediately suspicious of your every move. Everyone knows that your back aches, your sight is foggy, and you now enjoy the sex drive of a week-old donut.

What do you have to smile about, you old coot?

We're at an age when no matter how pleasant and innocuous we appear, society ignores us anyway, preferring that we, our wrinkles and our funky smells simply disappear, if not from the face of the earth, then at least from the line in front of them at McDonald's.

What to do?

I propose that you make a New Year's Resolution to be a curmudgeon in 2008.

Finally! A Resolution You Can Keep!

Personally, I'm now working hard at becoming a real pain in the ass.

Lucky for me, there's plenty to be a pain in the ass about. Wholesale rudeness. Airports. Congress. ?Customer service.? Telemarketers. Age discrimination. Our lousy healthcare system.

You have your own list. The trick is to do something about it.

As my friend J.C. Spitznagel likes to point out, "Well behaved seniors seldom make history.?

Great minds, from Aristotle to Churchill, all got crankier with age.

Start by getting a bumper sticker saying: "I'M RETIRED. But I work part time being a pain in the butt."

Bellyache every chance you get.

I don't recommend freestyle, angry-at-the-world grouchiness. There's nothing wrong with that as long as having friends is not a priority in your life.

Far more effective, however, is to practice righteous indignation against the specific evils on your list. It feels good. And you might
accomplish something beneficial for the world.




Dictionary: curmudgeon

noun

a crusty irascible cantankerous old person full of stubborn ideas


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This can save your bacon

¯\_(ツ)_/¯




The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

We try to bust a gut with our funny, Yo Mama, Redneck, lawyer, animal, relationship and crap jokes.

You only live once!   So make sure you spend 15 hours on the internet everyday, seeking validation from strangers.

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