Monday 29th June 2020 - 01:26:27 

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Manana, Manyana

Spanish singer Julio Iglesias was on television with British TV host Anne Diamond when he used the Spanish word "manana" (manyana).

Diamond asked him to explain what it meant.

He said that the term means, "Maybe the job will be done tomorrow, maybe the next day, maybe the day after that. Perhaps next week, next month, next year who cares"?

The host turned to Irishman Shay Brennan who was also on the show and asked him if there was an equivalent term in Irish.

"No. In Ireland we don't have a word to describe that degree of urgency".

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Rabbi's Sermon

A Rabbi arrived at a Shul to give a speech. He sat and waited silently. The congregation sat patiently waiting for the Rabbi to begin. The Rabbi continues to sit quietly.

Fed up waiting, the Shamus approaches the Rabbi. "Rabbi, why are you waiting? Please start your speech".

The Rabbi points to his mouth and whispers to him "I left my false teeth at home".

The Shamus takes the Rabbi's keys and runs to the Rabbi's house, returning shortly with the false teeth.

The Rabbi starts speaking. He talks and talks. It is getting late, everyone wants him to finish. They want to go home, but the Rabbi keeps on talking.

The Shamus approaches the Rabbi and asked politely, "Rabbi, why do you talk so much..."?

The Rabbi answered: "You brought my wife's teeth".

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Shamus and Murphy Were Skint and Fancied a Pint

Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money between them; they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.

Murphy said 'Hang on, I have an idea.'

He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.

Shamus said 'Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all!'

Murphy replied, 'Don't worry - just follow me.'

He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jameson Whisky.

Shamus said 'Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!'

Murphy replied, with a smile. 'Don't worry, I have a plan, Cheers!'

They downed their Drinks. Murphy said, 'OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth.'

The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.

They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.

At the tenth pub Shamus said 'Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are killin'me!'

Murphy said, "How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage in the third pub".

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Amish and Elevator

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially two shiny, silver walls in the hotel lobby that could move apart and back together again. The boy asked his father, "What is this father?"

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life. I don't know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an older lady, limping slightly with a cane, slowly walks up to the moving walls and pressed a button.

The walls opened and the lady walks between them and into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched, small circles of light with numbers above the wall light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction.

The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24-year-old woman stepped out.

The father said to his son, "Go get your Mother."

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Phone Sex

A local woman was admitted to the hospital after having phone sex.

Doctors removed 2 Nokias, 3 Motorolas and a Samsung.

No Siemen was found.

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Graveside Service

When the graveside service had no more than just finished, there was a tremendous burst of thunder accompanied by a distant lightning bolt, more rumbling thunder and more lightning.

The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, 'Well, she's arrived'.

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Bill and Sam the Long Term Buddies

Bill and Sam, two elderly friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems. One day Bill didn't show up. Sam wasn't concerned; he thought Bill might have a cold or some urgent appointment. But after Bill hadn't shown up for a week or so, Sam really got worried. However, since Sam didn't know where Bill lived (the only time they ever got together was at the park) he was unable to find out what had happened to him. After a month had passed, Sam figured he had seen the last of Bill.

On his next visit to the park, however, Bill was sitting on their usual bench waiting for him. Amazed and delighted, Sam exclaimed,'For crying out loud Bill, what in the world happened to you?'

Bill replied, 'I've been in jail.'

'Jail?' cried Sam. 'You?! What on earth for?'

'Well,' Bill said, 'you know Sue , that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where we sometimes go?'

'Yes,' said Sam, 'I remember her. What about her?'

'Well, one day she filed rape charges against me. At age 89,I was so proud that when I got into court, I pleaded 'guilty.'

'The judge gave me 30 days for perjury.

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Growing Up

One day a father and his ten-year-old son were on the bus, when the boy noticed a redhead with huge breasts. "Hey Pop," the son cried, "look at those boobs!"

Some years later, the father, a religious man, proceeded to send the boy to a military academy.

Six months later the boy came home and the father decided to take him on another bus ride.

Again, a woman with very large breasts sat across from them. To see if his son had learned any manners, the father exclaimed, "Look at the boobs on that redhead!"

"Boobs my eye," the boy replied with a smile, "get a load of the ass on that bus driver!"

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A Fricken Elephant

Jake is 5 and learning to read.

He points at a picture in a zoo book and says, "Look Mama! It's a frickin' Elephant!"

Deep breath ... "What did you call it?"

"It's a frickin' Elephant, Mama! It says so on the picture!"

and so it does ...

"A f r i c a n Elephant "

Hooked On Phonics strikes again.

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Speedy Morris

Speedy Morris was the basketball coach at LaSalle and they were having a pretty good season. One morning, he was shaving and the phone rang. His wife answered it and called out to him that Sports Illustrated wanted to talk to him.

Coach Morris was excited that his team was apparently about to receive national recognition in this famous sports magazine. As a matter of fact, he was so excited that he cut himself with his razor.

Covered with blood and shaving lather and running downstairs to the phone, he tripped and fell down the stairs. Finally, bleeding and bruised, he made it to the phone and breathlessly said, "Hello"?

The voice on the other end asked, "Is this Speedy Morris"?

"Yes, yes!" he replied excitedly.

Then the voice continued, "Mr. Morris, for just seventy-five cents an issue, we can give you a one-year subscription to Sports illustrated."

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Old Jokes   92    93    94    95  96  97    98    99    100   Latest

Build your own satellite and have it launched into Space.

AmbaSat-1 is a tiny Space satellite kit that you launch yourself

The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

We try to bust a gut with our funny, Yo Mama, Redneck, lawyer, animal, relationship and crap jokes.

You only live once!   So make sure you spend 15 hours on the internet everyday, seeking validation from strangers.

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