Thursday 28th May 2020 - 11:42:22 

Previously On Johns-Jokes

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A Few Answers to Commonly asked Pregnancy Questions by Both Men and Women.

First, the questions from women:

Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.

Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.

Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.


And, from men:

Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?

Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A: Only if the words "alimony" and "child support" scare you.

Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.



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The Wife Returned from the Doctor

My wife came home from the doctor's office and said that he told her she couldn't make love. I've always known this, but how he find out?


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The Lion and the Gorilla

A lion is drinking from a puddle and his tail is up. A gorilla walks up behind him, seizes the opportunity and screws the lion in the ass.

The gorilla takes off and the lion takes off after him. The gorilla runs into a hunter's camp, jumps into a tent, puts on a safari outfit and a pith helmet, grabs a copy of The Johannesburg Times, sits down and pretends to read.

The lion runs into the camp, sticks his head into the tent and roars, "Arrgg! Did a gorilla come through here?"

The gorilla says, "You mean the one that nailed you in the ass?"

The lion says, "You mean it's in the paper already?"



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The Interview with the Candidate with Little Experience


Manager:
"For a man with no experience, you are certainly asking for a high salary".

Applicant:
"Well, the work is much harder when you don't know what you're doing".


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Two Elderly Irish Drinking Buddies...

Two elderly Irish drinking buddies are sitting at the pub pondering on the future.

One says to the other, "You know Mr. O'Shea, we've had great sport together for many years. It just came to mind that should it be I who should happen to go first, it would mean a great deal to me if you would say a few kind words at me grave."

The other friend responds, "That I'll do, Mr.O'Donnel, that I'll do. But should it be I who should happen to go first, for old times sake I'd be forever grateful if you would pour a bottle of fine Irish whiskey over me grave."

The friend responds, "That I'll do. That I'll do. But would you mind it so much if it should happen to pass through me kidneys first?"


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They Met in Hell...

An English landowner and his Irish manservant ran into each other in hell one day.

"My lord," the Irishman exclaimed, "what are you doing here?"

The landowner sighed. "I'm here because I lied, cheated, and stole to pay the debts run up by that playboy son of mine. But you were a faithful, loyal servant. Why are you here?"

"For fathering that playboy son of yours," the Irishman replied.


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A Blonde Was Summoned to Court To...

A blonde was summoned to court to appear as a witness in a lawsuit. The prosecutor opened his questioning with, "Where were you the night of August 24th?"

"Objection!" said the defense attorney. "Irrelevant!"

"Oh, that's okay," said the blonde from the witness stand. "I don't mind answering the question."

"I object!" the defense said again.

"No, really," said the blonde. "I'll answer."

The judge ruled: "If the witness insists on answering, there is no reason for the defense to object."

So the prosecutor repeated the question: "Where were you the night of August 24th?"

The blonde replied brightly, "I don't know!"


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The New Rooster

An American farmer has about 200 hens, but no rooster, and he wants chicks. So, he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster that he would sell to him. The other farmer says, "Yeah, I've got this great Kiwi rooster named Kenny. He'll service every chicken you got, no problem."

Well, Kenny the Kiwi rooster costs a lot of money, but the farmer decides he'd be worth it. So, he buys Kenny. The farmer takes Kenny home and sets him down in the barnyard, first, giving the rooster a pep talk. "I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money. Consequently, I'll need you to do a good job. So, take your time and have some fun", the farmer said with a chuckle.

Kenny the Kiwi seemed to understand, so the farmer pointed toward the hen house and Kenny took off like a shot. WHAM! Kenny nails every hen in the hen house three or four times, and the farmer is really shocked. After that the farmer hears a commotion in the duck pen, sure enough, Kenny is in there. Later, the farmer sees Kenny after a flock of geese, down by the lake. Once again, WHAM! He gets all the geese. By sunset he sees Kenny out in the fields chasing quail and pheasants.

The farmer is distraught and worried that his expensive rooster won't even last 24 hours. Sure enough the farmer wakens the next morning only to find Kenny on his back, stone cold in the middle of the yard. Buzzards are circling overhead. The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colourful and expensive animal, shakes his head and says, "Oh, Kenny, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what's happened".Kenny opens one eye, nods toward the buzzards circling in the sky and says: “Shhh, they're getting closer."





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And He Said...

He said . . . I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
She said . . . You wear pants don't you?

He said . . .... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said ... That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!

He said. What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said . ....Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

He said . . .... Why don't you tell me when you have an orgasm?
She said . . .. I would but you're never there.

He said . . Why did the man cross the road?
She said. He heard the chicken was a slut.

He said . ..... Why don't women blink during foreplay?
She said .. . They don't have time

He said . . How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
She said ..... . We don't know; it has never happened.

He said . . . Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and Good- looking?
She said ...... . . They already have boyfriends.

She said...What do you call a women who knows where her husband is every night?
He said . . . A widow.

He said . .. . Why are married women heavier than single women?
She said . . . Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed
Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.



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You Are No Longer 'cool' When...

1. You find yourself listening to talk radio.

2. You daughter says she got pierced and you look at her ears.

3. The pattern on your shorts and couch match.

4. You fondly remember your powder blue leisure suit.

5. Your wife buys a flannel nighty and you find that sexy.

6. You think Tragically Hip is when a middle-aged man gets a
new sports car, hair piece and a 20 year old girlfriend.

7. You criticize the kids of today for their satanic suicide-
inducing music, forgetting that you rocked to Pink Floyd and
Black Sabbath.

8. You call the police on a noisy party next door instead of
grabbing beer and joining in.

9. You turn down free tickets to a rock concert because you
have to work the next day.

10. When grass is something that you cut, not cultivate.

11. When jogging is something you do to your memory.

12. Rocking all night means dozing off in your rocking chair.

13. Sex becomes: "All that foolishness."

14. Getting a little action means your prune juice is working.

15. All the cars behind you flash their headlights.

16. You remember the "Rolling Stones" as a rock group not a
corporation.

17. You bought your first car for the same price you paid
for your son's new running shoes.

18. You actually ASK for your father's advice.

19. You don't know how to operate a fax machine.

20. When someone mentions SURFING you picture waves and a
surf board.


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Build your own satellite and have it launched into Space.

AmbaSat-1 is a tiny Space satellite kit that you launch yourself
¯\_(ツ)_/¯




The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

We try to bust a gut with our funny, Yo Mama, Redneck, lawyer, animal, relationship and crap jokes.

You only live once!   So make sure you spend 15 hours on the internet everyday, seeking validation from strangers.

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