Thursday 5th December 2019 - 22:03:37 

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Computer Users


Computer users are divided into three types: novice, intermediate and expert.

Novice Users - People who are afraid that simply pressing a key might break their computer.

Intermediate Users - People who don't know how to fix their computer after they've just pressed a key that broke it.

Expert Users - People who break other people's computers.








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Devolution of British Maths Teaching


1. Teaching Maths In 1970

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for ?100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?

2. Teaching Maths In 1980

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for ?100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or £80. What is his profit?

3. Teaching Maths In 1990

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for ?100. His cost of production is ?80. Did he make a profit?

4. Teaching Maths In 2000

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for ?100. His cost of production is ?80 and his profit is ?20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.


5. Teaching Maths In 2007

A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit of ?20.

What do you think of this way of making a living?

Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong answers. )


6. Teaching Maths 2017

أ المسجل تبيع حموله شاحنة من الخشب من اجل 100 دولار. صاحب تكلفة الانتاج من الثمن. ما هو الربح له؟
















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Bank Robber


A man walks into a bank gets in line and when it is his turn he pulls out a gun and robs the bank!...But just to make sure he leaves no witnesses he turns around and asks the next customer in line:

Did you see me Rob this bank?

The customer replies ...YES!

The bank robber raises his gun POINTS IT TO HIS HEAD and BANG!!!!!... SHOOTS HIM
in THE HEAD AND KILLS HIM!

He quickly moves to the next customer in line and says to the man

DID .. YOU .. SEE .. ME .. ROB THIS BANK????

The man calmly responds . No ... BUT MY WIFE DID!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!








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Elephant Joke


A man went to his doctor and told him he was having a problem, as he was unable to get his manhood erect.

The doctor checked him out then told him that the muscles around the base of the organ were damaged from a previous viral infection and there was nothing he could actually do for him. However, he knew of an experimental treatment that might work, if he was willing to take the risk. The treatment consisted of planting muscle tissues from an elephant's trunk into his 'old fella'.

The man thought about it for a while. The thought of having to go through life without sex was too much for him to bear. So, with the assurance that there would be no cruelty to the elephant, the man decided to go for it.

A few weeks after the operation, he was given the green light to go and try out his newly renovated equipment.

As a result he planned a romantic evening with his girlfriend and took her to one of the nicest restaurants in town. In the middle of dinner he felt a strong stirring in his loins that continued to the point of being extremely painful. To release the pressure he unzipped his fly and his knob sprang out, slid across the top of the table, grabbed a bread roll and returned to his trousers.

His girlfriend was stunned at first, but then with a sly grin on her face said, 'That was incredible! Can you do that again?'

With tears in his eyes he replied, 'I think I can, but I am not sure if another bread roll will fit up my arse'.








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Funny Motor Insurance Claims


The accident happened because I had one eye on the lorry in front, one eye on the pedestrian and the other on the car behind. (Thanks Sharon Burrows)

I started to slow down but the traffic was more stationary than I thought.

I pulled into a lay-by with smoke coming from under the hood. I realised the car was on fire so took my dog and smothered it with a blanket.

Q: Could either driver have done anything to avoid the accident
A: Travelled by bus

The claimant had collided with a cow. The questions and answers on the claim form were -
Q: What warning was given by you
A: Horn.
Q: What warning was given by the other party
A: Moo.

I started to turn and it was at this point I noticed a camel and an elephant tethered at the verge. This distraction caused me to lose concentration and hit a bollard.

On approach to the traffic lights the car in front suddenly broke.

I was going at about 70 or 80 mph when my girlfriend on the pillion reached over and grabbed my testicles so I lost control.

I didnt think the speed limit applied after midnight

I knew the dog was possessive about the car but I would not have asked her to drive it if I had thought there was any risk.

Q: Do you engage in motorcycling, hunting or any other pastimes of a hazardous nature
A: I Watch the Lottery Show and listen to Terry Wogan.

First car stopped suddenly, second car hit first car and a haggis ran into the rear of second car.

Windscreen broken. Cause unknown. Probably Voodoo.

The car in front hit the pedestrian but he got up so I hit him again

I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment.

The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention.

I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way

A truck backed through my windshield into my wifes face

A pedestrian hit me and went under my car

In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.

I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car.

I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.

An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.

I was thrown from the car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.

Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I dont have.

I thought my window was down, but I found it was up when I put my head through it.

The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.

I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.

As I approached an intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before.

To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I struck a pedestrian.

My car was legally parked as it backed into another vehicle.

I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat found that I had a fractured skull.

I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.

The pedestrian had no idea which way to run as I ran over him.

I saw a slow moving, sad faced old gentleman as he bounced off the roof of my car.

The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.

The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of the way when I struck the front end.

The gentleman behind me struck me on the backside. He then went to rest in a bush with just his rear end showing. "

I had been learning to drive with power steering. I turned the wheel to what I thought was enough and found myself in a different direction going the opposite way.

I was backing my car out of the driveway in the usual manner, when it was struck by the other car in the same place it had been struck several times before.

When I saw I could not avoid a collision I stepped on the gas and crashed into the other car.

The accident happened when the right front door of a car came round the corner without giving a signal.

No one was to blame for the accident but it would never have happened if the other driver had been alert.

I was unable to stop in time and my car crashed into the other vehicle. The driver and passengers then left immediately for a vacation with injuries.

The pedestrian ran for the pavement, but I got him.

I saw her look at me twice. She appeared to be making slow progress when we met on impact.

The accident occurred when I was attempting to bring my car out of a skid by steering it into the other vehicle.

My car got hit by a submarine. (The Navy informed the wife of a submariner that the craft was due in port. She drove to the base to meet her husband and parked at the end of the slip where the sub was to berth. An inexperienced ensign was conning the sub and it rammed the end of the slip, breaking a section away, causing her car to fall into the water. The Navy paid the compensation claim. (Thanks Jay Kuivinen)

Courtesy of: http://pookey.co.uk/wiki/funny/insurance







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Aussie Logic

A Catholic Priest, an Indian Doctor, a Chinese Businessman, and an Aussie Bricklayer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers in front of them.

The Aussie fumed, 'What's with those bastards? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!'

The Indian Doctor chimed in, 'I don't know, but I'm losing my patience!'

The Chinese Businessman called out, 'Move it. Time is money!'

The Catholic Priest said, 'Here comes George the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him.'

'Hello, George,' said the Catholic Priest. 'What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?'

George the greens keeper replied, 'Oh, yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year. We are forever grateful. We always let them play for free anytime.'

The group fell silent for a moment.

The Catholic Priest was the first to speak, and said, 'That's so sad. God forgive us. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.'

The Indian Doctor said, 'Vishnu, I repent. Good idea priest. I will also contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them.'

The Chinese Businessman replied, 'I'm writing a cheque at this very moment. $50,000 to these brave souls.'

The Aussie Bricklayer said, 'Why can't the bastards play at night?'


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The Eternal Optimist


Fifteen minutes after the Titanic sank, Arthur and John find themselves hugging a piece of wreckage from the great ship.

The water is freezing, sharks are swimming nearby and of course, the Titanic is long gone.

"Oh well," says Art, "It could have been worse".

"Worse? How could it have been worse"? screams John.

"We could have bought return tickets".











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Harley Davidson


The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur. 'Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want to in heaven.'

Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, 'I want to hang out with God.'

St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God. God recognized Arthur and commented, 'Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley-Davidson motorcycle?'

Arthur said, 'Yeah, that's me..........'

God commented: 'Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution and can't run without a road?

Arthur was apparently embarrassed, but finally spoke, 'Excuse me,but aren't you the inventor of woman?'

God said, 'Ah, yes.'

'Well ,' said Arthur, 'professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention:
1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds
3. Most rear ends are too soft and wobble too much
4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust
5. The maintenance costs are outrageous!!!!

Hmmmmm, you may have some good points there,' replied God, 'hold on.'

God went to his Celestial supercomputer, typed in a few words and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.

'Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed,' God said to Arthur, 'but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours.'






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You Try your Best But....


Things are getting worse, I just can't seem to do the right thing no matter how hard I try...I give up...!!

She says she's absolutely sick of me, what with football, rugby, cricket, motor racing and the odd little bet here and there.

Doesn't seem fair though, she knew I was a mad sports fan when she met me.

Nevertheless, last night being our wedding anniversary, I tried to see things from her side and booked a table for 2, for 8pm.

By 9pm, things were 10 times worse!!! She hadn't potted a single f**king red . . . !







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Golf Questions


Kathy: "I just don't understand the attraction golf holds for men".

Vickie: "TELL me about it! I went golfing with John one time, and he told me I asked too many questions"!

Kathy: "Well, I'm sure you were just trying to understand the game. What questions did you ask"?

Vickie: I thought I asked legitimate questions.. like, "Why did you hit the ball into that lake"?






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Old Jokes   93    94    95    96  97  98    99    100    101   Latest


Build your own satellite and have it launched into Space.

AmbaSat-1 is a tiny Space satellite kit that you launch yourself
¯\_(ツ)_/¯




The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

We try to bust a gut with our funny, Yo Mama, Redneck, lawyer, animal, relationship and crap jokes.

You only live once!   So make sure you spend 15 hours on the internet everyday, seeking validation from strangers.

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