Friday 15th November 2019 - 09:39:05 

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The Courting Couple


A man and his girlfriend are having a sexual encounter. He asks her to "go downtown" so, with a sigh, she gets on her knees in front of him and starts peering at his genitals, looking and tipping her head this way and that, studying the whole business.

After a couple minutes of this, he asked her in a sort of peeved voice, "Well, what are you doing"?

She said, "I'm doing what I always do when I'm downtown with no money - just looking".







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The Sea Burial of Uncle Seamus


Two Irish brothers Mick and Paddy have made a promise to their uncle. They had an Uncle Seamus who was a seafaring gent all his life and before he passed away, he made the boys promise to bury him at sea.

Of course he did pass away and the "boys" remembered to keep their promise.

So off they set with Uncle Seamus all stitched up in a burial bag and loaded onto their rowing boat. After a while Mick says, "Do yer tink dis is fer enuff out, Paddy"?

Without a word Paddy slips over the side only to be standing in water up to his knees. "Dis'll never do Mick, let's row some more".

After a bit more rowing Paddy slips over the side again but the water is only up to his belly, so on they row.

Again Mick asks Paddy, "Do yer tink dis is fer enuff out Paddy"? Once again Paddy slips over the side and almost immediately says, "No dis'll neva do". The water was only up to his chest.

So on they row and row and row when finally Paddy slips over the side and disappears!

Quite a bit of time goes by and poor Mick is really getting himself into a state when suddenly Paddy breaks the surface gasping for breath.

"Well is it deep enuff yet, Paddy"?

"Aye it tis! Can yer hand me da shovel".







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Harry the Eagle


Did you know that eagles mate for life?

Well one day Harry the eagle waited at the nest for Mary, his darling of 10 glorious years. After a while when she didn't return he went looking and found her. She had been shot. Dead! Harry was devastated, but after about six minutes of mourning he decided that he must get himself another mate but since there weren't any lady eagles available he'd have to cross the feather barrier.

So he flew off to find a new mate. He found a lovely dove and brought her back to the nest. The sex was good but all the dove would say is "I am a DOVE, I want to love! I am a DOVE, I want to love"!

Well this got on Ha rry's nerves so he kicked the dove out of the nest and flew off once more to find a mate. He soon found a very sexy loon and brought her back to the nest. Again the sex was good but all the loon would say is, "I am a LOON, I want to spoon! I am a LOON, I want to spoon"!

So out with the loon. Once more he flew off to find a mate. This time he found a gorgeous duck and he brought the duck back to the nest.This time the sex was great, but all the duck would say was.....

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No, the duck didn't say THAT

... Don't be SO disgusting. !

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The duck said,
"I am a DRAKE ,
you made a MISTAKE !!!!!!!!!!








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The Golden Telephone

An American decided to write a book about famous churches around the world, so he bought a plane ticket and took a trip to Rome.

On his first day he was inside a church taking photographs when he noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read $10,000 per call' The American, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for.

The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 you could talk to God.

The American thanked the priest and went along his way.

Next stop was in Moscow. There, at a very large cathedral, he saw the same golden telephone with the same sign under it. He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in Rome and he asked a nearby nun what its purpose was.

She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for S10,000 he could talk to God.

'O.K., thank you,' said the American.

He then traveled to France, Israel, Germany and Brazil. In every church he saw the same golden telephone with a '$10,000 per call' sign under it. The American finally decided to travel to the UK to see if the British had the same phone. He arrived in York and again, in the Minster, there was the same golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read '20p per call.' The American was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign. 'Reverend, I've traveled all over World and I've seen this same golden telephone in many churches. I'm told that it is a direct line to Heaven, but everywhere I went the price was $10,000 per call. Why is it so cheap here?'

The priest smiled and answered, 'You're in Yorkshire now Lad, - it's only a local call'.











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New Bumper Stickers


*Don't play stupid with me... I'm better at it!

*This car is designed by computer, built by a robot, driven by a moron.

*This truck has been in 15 accidents...and hasn't lost one yet..

*Faster than a speeding ticket!

*Adults are just kids with money.

*T.G.I.F Thank God I'm Female.

*You are right where you belong, behind me!

*YES this is my truck, NO I won't help you move! *Keep honking, I am
reloading!

*Do unto others before they do unto you.

*The light at the end of the tunnel is the headlight of the oncoming
train.

*In theory, everything works.

*A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.







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Computer Users


Computer users are divided into three types: novice, intermediate and expert.

Novice Users - People who are afraid that simply pressing a key might break their computer.

Intermediate Users - People who don't know how to fix their computer after they've just pressed a key that broke it.

Expert Users - People who break other people's computers.








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Devolution of British Maths Teaching


1. Teaching Maths In 1970

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for ?100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?

2. Teaching Maths In 1980

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for ?100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or £80. What is his profit?

3. Teaching Maths In 1990

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for ?100. His cost of production is ?80. Did he make a profit?

4. Teaching Maths In 2000

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for ?100. His cost of production is ?80 and his profit is ?20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.


5. Teaching Maths In 2007

A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit of ?20.

What do you think of this way of making a living?

Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong answers. )


6. Teaching Maths 2017

أ المسجل تبيع حموله شاحنة من الخشب من اجل 100 دولار. صاحب تكلفة الانتاج من الثمن. ما هو الربح له؟
















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Bank Robber


A man walks into a bank gets in line and when it is his turn he pulls out a gun and robs the bank!...But just to make sure he leaves no witnesses he turns around and asks the next customer in line:

Did you see me Rob this bank?

The customer replies ...YES!

The bank robber raises his gun POINTS IT TO HIS HEAD and BANG!!!!!... SHOOTS HIM
in THE HEAD AND KILLS HIM!

He quickly moves to the next customer in line and says to the man

DID .. YOU .. SEE .. ME .. ROB THIS BANK????

The man calmly responds . No ... BUT MY WIFE DID!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!








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Elephant Joke


A man went to his doctor and told him he was having a problem, as he was unable to get his manhood erect.

The doctor checked him out then told him that the muscles around the base of the organ were damaged from a previous viral infection and there was nothing he could actually do for him. However, he knew of an experimental treatment that might work, if he was willing to take the risk. The treatment consisted of planting muscle tissues from an elephant's trunk into his 'old fella'.

The man thought about it for a while. The thought of having to go through life without sex was too much for him to bear. So, with the assurance that there would be no cruelty to the elephant, the man decided to go for it.

A few weeks after the operation, he was given the green light to go and try out his newly renovated equipment.

As a result he planned a romantic evening with his girlfriend and took her to one of the nicest restaurants in town. In the middle of dinner he felt a strong stirring in his loins that continued to the point of being extremely painful. To release the pressure he unzipped his fly and his knob sprang out, slid across the top of the table, grabbed a bread roll and returned to his trousers.

His girlfriend was stunned at first, but then with a sly grin on her face said, 'That was incredible! Can you do that again?'

With tears in his eyes he replied, 'I think I can, but I am not sure if another bread roll will fit up my arse'.








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Funny Motor Insurance Claims


The accident happened because I had one eye on the lorry in front, one eye on the pedestrian and the other on the car behind. (Thanks Sharon Burrows)

I started to slow down but the traffic was more stationary than I thought.

I pulled into a lay-by with smoke coming from under the hood. I realised the car was on fire so took my dog and smothered it with a blanket.

Q: Could either driver have done anything to avoid the accident
A: Travelled by bus

The claimant had collided with a cow. The questions and answers on the claim form were -
Q: What warning was given by you
A: Horn.
Q: What warning was given by the other party
A: Moo.

I started to turn and it was at this point I noticed a camel and an elephant tethered at the verge. This distraction caused me to lose concentration and hit a bollard.

On approach to the traffic lights the car in front suddenly broke.

I was going at about 70 or 80 mph when my girlfriend on the pillion reached over and grabbed my testicles so I lost control.

I didnt think the speed limit applied after midnight

I knew the dog was possessive about the car but I would not have asked her to drive it if I had thought there was any risk.

Q: Do you engage in motorcycling, hunting or any other pastimes of a hazardous nature
A: I Watch the Lottery Show and listen to Terry Wogan.

First car stopped suddenly, second car hit first car and a haggis ran into the rear of second car.

Windscreen broken. Cause unknown. Probably Voodoo.

The car in front hit the pedestrian but he got up so I hit him again

I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment.

The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention.

I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way

A truck backed through my windshield into my wifes face

A pedestrian hit me and went under my car

In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.

I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car.

I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.

An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.

I was thrown from the car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.

Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I dont have.

I thought my window was down, but I found it was up when I put my head through it.

The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.

I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.

As I approached an intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before.

To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I struck a pedestrian.

My car was legally parked as it backed into another vehicle.

I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat found that I had a fractured skull.

I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.

The pedestrian had no idea which way to run as I ran over him.

I saw a slow moving, sad faced old gentleman as he bounced off the roof of my car.

The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.

The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of the way when I struck the front end.

The gentleman behind me struck me on the backside. He then went to rest in a bush with just his rear end showing. "

I had been learning to drive with power steering. I turned the wheel to what I thought was enough and found myself in a different direction going the opposite way.

I was backing my car out of the driveway in the usual manner, when it was struck by the other car in the same place it had been struck several times before.

When I saw I could not avoid a collision I stepped on the gas and crashed into the other car.

The accident happened when the right front door of a car came round the corner without giving a signal.

No one was to blame for the accident but it would never have happened if the other driver had been alert.

I was unable to stop in time and my car crashed into the other vehicle. The driver and passengers then left immediately for a vacation with injuries.

The pedestrian ran for the pavement, but I got him.

I saw her look at me twice. She appeared to be making slow progress when we met on impact.

The accident occurred when I was attempting to bring my car out of a skid by steering it into the other vehicle.

My car got hit by a submarine. (The Navy informed the wife of a submariner that the craft was due in port. She drove to the base to meet her husband and parked at the end of the slip where the sub was to berth. An inexperienced ensign was conning the sub and it rammed the end of the slip, breaking a section away, causing her car to fall into the water. The Navy paid the compensation claim. (Thanks Jay Kuivinen)

Courtesy of: http://pookey.co.uk/wiki/funny/insurance







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AmbaSat-1 is a tiny Space satellite kit that you launch yourself
¯\_(ツ)_/¯




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