Sunday 8th December 2019 - 08:15:45 

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Time to put a Cork in It


A Cork radio station was running a competition - words that weren't in the dictionary yet could still be used in a sentence that would make logical sense. The prize was a trip to Bali.

DJ: 96FM here, what's your name?

Caller: Hi my names's Dave

DJ: Dave, what's your word?

Caller: Goan... spelt G-O-A-N, pronunced GO-AN

DJ: You are correct Dave 'goan' is not in the dictionary. Now for a trip to Bali: What sentence can you use that word in that would make sense.

Caller: Goan f**k yourself

The DJ cust the caller short and took other calls, all unsuccessful until:

DJ: 96FM, what's your name?

Caller: Hi the name is Jeff

DJ: Jeff, what's your word?

Caller: Smee... spelt S-M-E-E, pronounced 'smee'.

DJ: ... You are correct, Jeff 'smee' is not in the dictionary. Now for a trip to Bali: What sentence can you use that word in that makes sense?

Caller: Smee again! Goan f**k yourself!













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Same Doc?


This lady wanted bigger breasts, so she went to her doctor to get a referral to a plastic surgeon. Her doctor says he would like her to try an exercise before surgery or drugs, see how it works first. He stands up to demonstrate, holds his arms straight out to the side, rotates them counterclockwise, and says, "Ashes to ashes, dust to dust, if I do this enough, I'll have a big bust." She tries it, the doctor tells her to do that as often as she can, and come back in a week.

One week later, she's back at the doctor, and tells him that it didn't work. The doctor asks her how often she did the exercise, she says 4-5 times a day. The doctor tells her to do it more, 30 times a day at least, and asks her to come back in another week. She tries this, performing the exercise whenever she can.

One day, as she waited to check out at Safeway, she started her exercise. "Ashes to ashes, dust to dust, if I do this enough, I'll have a big bust."

The man in front of her turns around, asks if she sees Dr. Johnson.

"Yes, how did you know?" she replies.

The man faces her, places both hands on his hips, moves his hips in a circular motion, and says, "Hickory dickory dock......."






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Quick Thinking - Definitely


A man walked into the vegetable section of his local supermarket and asked for half a head of lettuce.

The boy working there told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce.

The man was insistent that the boy asked his manager about the matter.

Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, "Some tosser out there wants to buy a half a head of lettuce."

As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "And this gentleman wants to buy the other half."

The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way.

Later the manager saw the boy and said, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier.

We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from son?"

"Originally from Essex sir", the boy replied.

"Why did you leave Essex?", the manager asked.

The boy answered, "Sir there's nothing but whores and footballers there."

"Really?" said the manager. "My wife is from Essex."

"No shit!" the boy replied. "Who does she play for?"









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The Courting Couple


A man and his girlfriend are having a sexual encounter. He asks her to "go downtown" so, with a sigh, she gets on her knees in front of him and starts peering at his genitals, looking and tipping her head this way and that, studying the whole business.

After a couple minutes of this, he asked her in a sort of peeved voice, "Well, what are you doing"?

She said, "I'm doing what I always do when I'm downtown with no money - just looking".







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The Sea Burial of Uncle Seamus


Two Irish brothers Mick and Paddy have made a promise to their uncle. They had an Uncle Seamus who was a seafaring gent all his life and before he passed away, he made the boys promise to bury him at sea.

Of course he did pass away and the "boys" remembered to keep their promise.

So off they set with Uncle Seamus all stitched up in a burial bag and loaded onto their rowing boat. After a while Mick says, "Do yer tink dis is fer enuff out, Paddy"?

Without a word Paddy slips over the side only to be standing in water up to his knees. "Dis'll never do Mick, let's row some more".

After a bit more rowing Paddy slips over the side again but the water is only up to his belly, so on they row.

Again Mick asks Paddy, "Do yer tink dis is fer enuff out Paddy"? Once again Paddy slips over the side and almost immediately says, "No dis'll neva do". The water was only up to his chest.

So on they row and row and row when finally Paddy slips over the side and disappears!

Quite a bit of time goes by and poor Mick is really getting himself into a state when suddenly Paddy breaks the surface gasping for breath.

"Well is it deep enuff yet, Paddy"?

"Aye it tis! Can yer hand me da shovel".







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Harry the Eagle


Did you know that eagles mate for life?

Well one day Harry the eagle waited at the nest for Mary, his darling of 10 glorious years. After a while when she didn't return he went looking and found her. She had been shot. Dead! Harry was devastated, but after about six minutes of mourning he decided that he must get himself another mate but since there weren't any lady eagles available he'd have to cross the feather barrier.

So he flew off to find a new mate. He found a lovely dove and brought her back to the nest. The sex was good but all the dove would say is "I am a DOVE, I want to love! I am a DOVE, I want to love"!

Well this got on Ha rry's nerves so he kicked the dove out of the nest and flew off once more to find a mate. He soon found a very sexy loon and brought her back to the nest. Again the sex was good but all the loon would say is, "I am a LOON, I want to spoon! I am a LOON, I want to spoon"!

So out with the loon. Once more he flew off to find a mate. This time he found a gorgeous duck and he brought the duck back to the nest.This time the sex was great, but all the duck would say was.....

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No, the duck didn't say THAT

... Don't be SO disgusting. !

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The duck said,
"I am a DRAKE ,
you made a MISTAKE !!!!!!!!!!








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The Golden Telephone

An American decided to write a book about famous churches around the world, so he bought a plane ticket and took a trip to Rome.

On his first day he was inside a church taking photographs when he noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read $10,000 per call' The American, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for.

The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 you could talk to God.

The American thanked the priest and went along his way.

Next stop was in Moscow. There, at a very large cathedral, he saw the same golden telephone with the same sign under it. He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in Rome and he asked a nearby nun what its purpose was.

She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for S10,000 he could talk to God.

'O.K., thank you,' said the American.

He then traveled to France, Israel, Germany and Brazil. In every church he saw the same golden telephone with a '$10,000 per call' sign under it. The American finally decided to travel to the UK to see if the British had the same phone. He arrived in York and again, in the Minster, there was the same golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read '20p per call.' The American was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign. 'Reverend, I've traveled all over World and I've seen this same golden telephone in many churches. I'm told that it is a direct line to Heaven, but everywhere I went the price was $10,000 per call. Why is it so cheap here?'

The priest smiled and answered, 'You're in Yorkshire now Lad, - it's only a local call'.











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New Bumper Stickers


*Don't play stupid with me... I'm better at it!

*This car is designed by computer, built by a robot, driven by a moron.

*This truck has been in 15 accidents...and hasn't lost one yet..

*Faster than a speeding ticket!

*Adults are just kids with money.

*T.G.I.F Thank God I'm Female.

*You are right where you belong, behind me!

*YES this is my truck, NO I won't help you move! *Keep honking, I am
reloading!

*Do unto others before they do unto you.

*The light at the end of the tunnel is the headlight of the oncoming
train.

*In theory, everything works.

*A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.







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Computer Users


Computer users are divided into three types: novice, intermediate and expert.

Novice Users - People who are afraid that simply pressing a key might break their computer.

Intermediate Users - People who don't know how to fix their computer after they've just pressed a key that broke it.

Expert Users - People who break other people's computers.








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Devolution of British Maths Teaching


1. Teaching Maths In 1970

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for ?100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?

2. Teaching Maths In 1980

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for ?100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or £80. What is his profit?

3. Teaching Maths In 1990

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for ?100. His cost of production is ?80. Did he make a profit?

4. Teaching Maths In 2000

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for ?100. His cost of production is ?80 and his profit is ?20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.


5. Teaching Maths In 2007

A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit of ?20.

What do you think of this way of making a living?

Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong answers. )


6. Teaching Maths 2017

أ المسجل تبيع حموله شاحنة من الخشب من اجل 100 دولار. صاحب تكلفة الانتاج من الثمن. ما هو الربح له؟
















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Build your own satellite and have it launched into Space.

AmbaSat-1 is a tiny Space satellite kit that you launch yourself
¯\_(ツ)_/¯




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Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

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