Saturday 20th July 2019 - 16:40:31 

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The Facts of Life

The teenager was developing rapidly, so her mother thought it about time she understood the facts of life. "Honey," she began, "I think it would be nice if we had a little chat about how life is formed. As you know, a baby grows in a lady's tummy and..."

"It might be interesting to hear you tell it, Mom," interrupted the daughter, "but what I really want to know is how to fake an orgasm."


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World's Easiest Quiz

(Passing requires 4 correct answers)

1) How long did the Hundred Years War last?

2) Which country makes Panama hats?

3) From which animal do we get catgut?

4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?

5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?

6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?

7) What was King George VI's first name?

8) What color is a purple finch?

9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?

10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane?

All done? Check your answers below!




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ANSWERS TO THE QUIZ

1) How long did the Hundred Years War last?
*116 years

2) Which country makes Panama hats?
*Ecuador

3) From which animal do we get cat gut?
*Sheep and Horses

4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?
*November

5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?
*Squirrel fur

6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?
*Dogs

7) What was King George VI's first name?
*Albert

8) What color is a purple finch?
*Crimson

9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?
*New Zealand

10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane?
*Orange, of course.

What do you mean you failed?!


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A Few Answers to Commonly asked Pregnancy Questions by Both Men and Women.

First, the questions from women:

Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.

Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.

Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.


And, from men:

Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?

Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A: Only if the words "alimony" and "child support" scare you.

Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.



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The Wife Returned from the Doctor

My wife came home from the doctor's office and said that he told her she couldn't make love. I've always known this, but how he find out?


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The Lion and the Gorilla

A lion is drinking from a puddle and his tail is up. A gorilla walks up behind him, seizes the opportunity and screws the lion in the ass.

The gorilla takes off and the lion takes off after him. The gorilla runs into a hunter's camp, jumps into a tent, puts on a safari outfit and a pith helmet, grabs a copy of The Johannesburg Times, sits down and pretends to read.

The lion runs into the camp, sticks his head into the tent and roars, "Arrgg! Did a gorilla come through here?"

The gorilla says, "You mean the one that nailed you in the ass?"

The lion says, "You mean it's in the paper already?"



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The Interview with the Candidate with Little Experience


Manager:
"For a man with no experience, you are certainly asking for a high salary".

Applicant:
"Well, the work is much harder when you don't know what you're doing".


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Two Elderly Irish Drinking Buddies...

Two elderly Irish drinking buddies are sitting at the pub pondering on the future.

One says to the other, "You know Mr. O'Shea, we've had great sport together for many years. It just came to mind that should it be I who should happen to go first, it would mean a great deal to me if you would say a few kind words at me grave."

The other friend responds, "That I'll do, Mr.O'Donnel, that I'll do. But should it be I who should happen to go first, for old times sake I'd be forever grateful if you would pour a bottle of fine Irish whiskey over me grave."

The friend responds, "That I'll do. That I'll do. But would you mind it so much if it should happen to pass through me kidneys first?"


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They Met in Hell...

An English landowner and his Irish manservant ran into each other in hell one day.

"My lord," the Irishman exclaimed, "what are you doing here?"

The landowner sighed. "I'm here because I lied, cheated, and stole to pay the debts run up by that playboy son of mine. But you were a faithful, loyal servant. Why are you here?"

"For fathering that playboy son of yours," the Irishman replied.


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A Blonde Was Summoned to Court To...

A blonde was summoned to court to appear as a witness in a lawsuit. The prosecutor opened his questioning with, "Where were you the night of August 24th?"

"Objection!" said the defense attorney. "Irrelevant!"

"Oh, that's okay," said the blonde from the witness stand. "I don't mind answering the question."

"I object!" the defense said again.

"No, really," said the blonde. "I'll answer."

The judge ruled: "If the witness insists on answering, there is no reason for the defense to object."

So the prosecutor repeated the question: "Where were you the night of August 24th?"

The blonde replied brightly, "I don't know!"


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The New Rooster

An American farmer has about 200 hens, but no rooster, and he wants chicks. So, he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster that he would sell to him. The other farmer says, "Yeah, I've got this great Kiwi rooster named Kenny. He'll service every chicken you got, no problem."

Well, Kenny the Kiwi rooster costs a lot of money, but the farmer decides he'd be worth it. So, he buys Kenny. The farmer takes Kenny home and sets him down in the barnyard, first, giving the rooster a pep talk. "I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money. Consequently, I'll need you to do a good job. So, take your time and have some fun", the farmer said with a chuckle.

Kenny the Kiwi seemed to understand, so the farmer pointed toward the hen house and Kenny took off like a shot. WHAM! Kenny nails every hen in the hen house three or four times, and the farmer is really shocked. After that the farmer hears a commotion in the duck pen, sure enough, Kenny is in there. Later, the farmer sees Kenny after a flock of geese, down by the lake. Once again, WHAM! He gets all the geese. By sunset he sees Kenny out in the fields chasing quail and pheasants.

The farmer is distraught and worried that his expensive rooster won't even last 24 hours. Sure enough the farmer wakens the next morning only to find Kenny on his back, stone cold in the middle of the yard. Buzzards are circling overhead. The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colourful and expensive animal, shakes his head and says, "Oh, Kenny, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what's happened".Kenny opens one eye, nods toward the buzzards circling in the sky and says: “Shhh, they're getting closer."





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Build your own satellite and have it launched into Space.

AmbaSat-1 is a tiny Space satellite kit that you launch yourself
¯\_(ツ)_/¯




The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

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