Tuesday 25th September 2018 - 03:06:06 

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What Religion is Your Partner's Bra?


A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, 'I'd like to buy a bra for my wife.'

'What type of bra?' asked the clerk.

'Type?' inquires the man, 'There's more than one type?'

'Look around,' said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material imaginable.

'Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose.'

Relieved, the man asked about the types. The saleslady replied:

'There are the Catholic, the Salvation Army, the Presbyterian, and the Baptist types. Which one would you prefer?'

Now totally befuddled, the man asked about the differences between them.

The Saleslady responded, 'It is all really quite simple... '
The Catholic type supports the masses.
The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen,
The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright, and
The Baptist makes mountains out of mole hills.








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Hollywood Squares

Hollywood Squares




If you remember the Original Hollywood Squares and its comics. These questions and answers are from the days when "Hollywood? Squares"game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now.





Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions.


Q. Do female frogs croak?

A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.




Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be??

A. Charley Weaver aka Clifford Arquette : Three days of steady drinking should do it.







Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.

A.? George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.




Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?

A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.




Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?

A. Rose Marie: No; wait until morning






Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?

A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.





Q.? In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say "I Love You"??

A.? Vincent Price : No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.





Q. What are "Do It," "I Can? Help," and "I Can't Get Enough"?

A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.





Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?

A. Rose Marie : You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.







Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?

A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.







Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?

A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.



Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?

A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.





Q.? It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps.? One is politics, what is the other?

A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.





Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet??

A. Rose Marie : Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.< FONT color=navy>





Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?

A. Marty Allen : Only after lights out.





Q. When you pat a dog on its? Head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do??

A. Paul Lynde : Make him bark?





Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to??

A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.



Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people??

A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.



Q.? It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it??

A.? Paul Lynde : Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.



Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?

A.George Gobel:?? Get it in his mouth.





Q.Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?

A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?





Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?

A.Charley Weaver : I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.



Q.? Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?

A Charley Weaver : His feet?



Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh




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Benny the Motorcyclist


Once upon a time there was a young man named Benny. Benny loved motorcycles and riding motorcycles, but he was just a so-so rider. Whenever Benny and his friends would go on a ride, Benny was always at the rear of the pack, and he was always the last one to get to the bar at the end of the day. Everyone made fun of Benny, and suggested that he get a Spagthorp. However, this is another story.

One day when Benny was driving his cage (a Volvo of course) he spotted an old rusty Harley on the side of the road in some brush. Benny stopped, and thinking the Harley would make a good restoration project, loaded the bike into the car.

Later that evening when Benny was polishing the tank of the Harley a strange thing happened. A genie rose out of the tank and granted Benny a single wish. Benny thought about it, and finally wished that he could be the greatest motorcycle rider in the world. The genie said, "No problem, but there is a condition." (there always is) The condition was that Benny could never shave as long as he lived. If he did, the genie would return and change Benny into a Grecian Urn. Benny said, "Okay."

The next day Benny didn't feel any different, but when he and his friends went riding, Benny was the fastest rider in the group. Nobody could keep up with him. Even when Benny rode his FatBoy Harley the goofs were left in his dust. Everyone was amazed. Benny got a job riding GP bikes for MotoGuzzi, and never lost a race. He was revered the world over as the greatest motorcycle rider of all time.

However, Benny's beard was growing quite long, and would sometimes get tangled in the chain of his bike. Also, it got in the way of love making, and generally became intolerable. It had been a long time since Benny had seen the genie so he thought, "What the heck. I'll shave." No sooner than Benny had finished shaving, the genie appeared and said, "Benny, I warned you." The genie waved his arms, and after the smoke cleared there sat a Grecian Urn where Benny had been.

The moral of the story is: A Benny shaved is a Benny Urned.






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Sausage Factory


There once was a man who owned a sausage factory, and he was showing his arrogant preppy son around his factory. Try as he might to impress his snobbish son, his son would just sneer. They approached the heart of the factory, where the father thought, "This should impress him"!

He showed his son the machine and said "Son, this is the heart of the factory. This machine here we can put in pig, and out come sausages".

The prudish son, unimpressed, said "Yes, but do you have a machine where you can put in a sausage and out comes a pig"?

The father, furious, thought and said, "Yes son, we call it your mother...."







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Culling the Coyotes


A few years ago, the Sierra Club and the United States Forest Service were presenting an alternative to Wyoming ranchers for controlling the coyote population.

It seemed that, after years of the ranchers using the tried and true methods of shooting and/or trapping the predators, the tree-huggers had a "more humane" solution. What they proposed was for the animals to be captured alive, the males castrated, then let loose again...and thus the population would be controlled. This was ACTUALLY proposed to the Wyoming Wool and Sheep Grower's association by Sierra Club and USFS.

Well, all the ranchers thought about this amazing idea for a couple of minutes. Finally, an old boy in the back stood up, kicked his hat back and said, "Son, I don't think you understand the problem." These coyotes ain't fuckin' our sheep....they're eatin' 'em".







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Another Speeding Motorist Is Caught


A man was speeding down the highway, feeling secure in a gaggle of cars all traveling at the same speed. However, as they passed a speed trap, he got nailed with an infrared speed detector and was pulled over.

The officer handed him the citation, received his signature and was about to walk away when the man asked, "Officer, I know I was speeding, but I don't think it's fair - there were plenty of other cars around me who were going just as fast, so why did *I* get the ticket?"

"Ever go fishing?" the policeman suddenly asked the man.

"Ummm, yeah..." the startled man replied.

The officer grinned and added, "Ever catch *all* the fish?"




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How to Turn your Man On.....


3 women: one engaged, one married, and one a mistress, are chatting about their relationships and decide to amaze their men....

That night, all three will wear a leather bodice S &M style, stilettoes and a mask over their eyes .

After a few days they meet again.....

The engaged girlfriend: 'the other night, when my boy friend came back home, he found me with the leather bodice, 12 cm stilettoes and mask. As he saw me he said: 'you are the woman of my life, I love you'...then we made l*ve all night long

The mistress: Ah! me too, the other night I met my lover in the office and I was wearing the leather bodice, mega stilettoes, the mask over my eyes and a raincoat, when I opened the raincoat... he did not say anything.....but we had wild sex all night

The married one: 'the other night I sent the kids to stay at my mother's for the night, I got myself ready: leather bodice, super stilettoes and mask over my eyes....my husband comes back from work, opens the door and says:

'Hi Batman, what's for dinner'?









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Time to put a Cork in It


A Cork radio station was running a competition - words that weren't in the dictionary yet could still be used in a sentence that would make logical sense. The prize was a trip to Bali.

DJ: 96FM here, what's your name?

Caller: Hi my names's Dave

DJ: Dave, what's your word?

Caller: Goan... spelt G-O-A-N, pronunced GO-AN

DJ: You are correct Dave 'goan' is not in the dictionary. Now for a trip to Bali: What sentence can you use that word in that would make sense.

Caller: Goan f**k yourself

The DJ cust the caller short and took other calls, all unsuccessful until:

DJ: 96FM, what's your name?

Caller: Hi the name is Jeff

DJ: Jeff, what's your word?

Caller: Smee... spelt S-M-E-E, pronounced 'smee'.

DJ: ... You are correct, Jeff 'smee' is not in the dictionary. Now for a trip to Bali: What sentence can you use that word in that makes sense?

Caller: Smee again! Goan f**k yourself!













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Same Doc?


This lady wanted bigger breasts, so she went to her doctor to get a referral to a plastic surgeon. Her doctor says he would like her to try an exercise before surgery or drugs, see how it works first. He stands up to demonstrate, holds his arms straight out to the side, rotates them counterclockwise, and says, "Ashes to ashes, dust to dust, if I do this enough, I'll have a big bust." She tries it, the doctor tells her to do that as often as she can, and come back in a week.

One week later, she's back at the doctor, and tells him that it didn't work. The doctor asks her how often she did the exercise, she says 4-5 times a day. The doctor tells her to do it more, 30 times a day at least, and asks her to come back in another week. She tries this, performing the exercise whenever she can.

One day, as she waited to check out at Safeway, she started her exercise. "Ashes to ashes, dust to dust, if I do this enough, I'll have a big bust."

The man in front of her turns around, asks if she sees Dr. Johnson.

"Yes, how did you know?" she replies.

The man faces her, places both hands on his hips, moves his hips in a circular motion, and says, "Hickory dickory dock......."






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Quick Thinking - Definitely


A man walked into the vegetable section of his local supermarket and asked for half a head of lettuce.

The boy working there told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce.

The man was insistent that the boy asked his manager about the matter.

Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, "Some tosser out there wants to buy a half a head of lettuce."

As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "And this gentleman wants to buy the other half."

The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way.

Later the manager saw the boy and said, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier.

We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from son?"

"Originally from Essex sir", the boy replied.

"Why did you leave Essex?", the manager asked.

The boy answered, "Sir there's nothing but whores and footballers there."

"Really?" said the manager. "My wife is from Essex."

"No shit!" the boy replied. "Who does she play for?"









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The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

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