Friday 19th April 2019 - 03:18:18 

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Guardian Angel


A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice: “Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you.”

The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished. He went on, and after awhile he was going to cross the road.

Once again the voice shouted: “Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you and you will die.”

The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him.
“Where are you?” the man asked. “Who are you?”

“I am your guardian angel,” the voice answered.

“Oh yeah?” the man asked… “And where were you when I got married?”





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Golfers Be Grateful


A foursome of senior golfers hit the course with waning enthusiasm for the sport.

"These hills are getting steeper as the years go by", one complained.

"These fairways seem to be getting longer too", said one of the others.

"The sand traps seem to be bigger than I remember them too", said the third senior.

After hearing enough from his senior buddies, the oldest, and the wisest of the four of them at 87 years old, piped up and said... "Quit your bitching and just be thankful we're still on the RIGHT SIDE of the grass"!









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The Birthday Gift


Joe was talking to his buddy at the bar, and he said, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday - she has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I'm stumped".

His buddy said, "I have an idea - why don't you make up a certificate saying she can have 60 minutes of great sex, any way she wants it - she'll probably be thrilled".

So that's what Joe did.

The next day at the bar his buddy said, "Well? Did you take my suggestion"?

"Yes, I did", said Joe.

"Did she like it" His buddy asked?

"Oh yes! she jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the forehead and ran out the door, yelling "I'll be back in an hour"!!





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On the Bus.


A young Jew and an old Jew are riding on a bus in Jerusalem.

The young Jew asks, "Excuse me, sir, what time is it?"

The old Jew doesn't answer.

"Excuse me, sir," the young Jew asks again, "what time is it?"

The old Jew looks up him, but still doesn't answer.

The young Jew is puzzled, "Sir, forgive me for interrupting you all the time, but I really want to know what time it is. Why won't you answer me?"

The old Jew turns toward the young man and says, "Son, the next stop is the last on this route. I don't know you, so you must be a stranger. If I answer you now, according to Jewish tradition, I must invite you to my home. You're handsome and I have a beautiful daughter. You would fall in love with her and you'd want to get married. And tell me, why would I want a son-in-law who can't even afford a fucking watch"?








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Bra Sizes Explained


Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, and H are the letters used to define bra sizes?
If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out what the letters stood for, it is about time you became informed!


(A} Almost Boobs...
{B} Barely there.
{C} Can't Complain!
{D} Dang!
{DD} Double dang!
{E} Enormous!
{F} Fake
{G} Get a Reduction..
{H} Help me, I've fallen and I can't get up !








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What Religion is Your Partner's Bra?


A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, 'I'd like to buy a bra for my wife.'

'What type of bra?' asked the clerk.

'Type?' inquires the man, 'There's more than one type?'

'Look around,' said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material imaginable.

'Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose.'

Relieved, the man asked about the types. The saleslady replied:

'There are the Catholic, the Salvation Army, the Presbyterian, and the Baptist types. Which one would you prefer?'

Now totally befuddled, the man asked about the differences between them.

The Saleslady responded, 'It is all really quite simple... '
The Catholic type supports the masses.
The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen,
The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright, and
The Baptist makes mountains out of mole hills.








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Hollywood Squares

Hollywood Squares




If you remember the Original Hollywood Squares and its comics. These questions and answers are from the days when "Hollywood? Squares"game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now.





Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions.


Q. Do female frogs croak?

A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.




Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be??

A. Charley Weaver aka Clifford Arquette : Three days of steady drinking should do it.







Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.

A.? George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.




Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?

A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.




Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?

A. Rose Marie: No; wait until morning






Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?

A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.





Q.? In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say "I Love You"??

A.? Vincent Price : No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.





Q. What are "Do It," "I Can? Help," and "I Can't Get Enough"?

A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.





Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?

A. Rose Marie : You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.







Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?

A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.







Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?

A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.



Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?

A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.





Q.? It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps.? One is politics, what is the other?

A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.





Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet??

A. Rose Marie : Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.< FONT color=navy>





Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?

A. Marty Allen : Only after lights out.





Q. When you pat a dog on its? Head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do??

A. Paul Lynde : Make him bark?





Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to??

A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.



Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people??

A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.



Q.? It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it??

A.? Paul Lynde : Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.



Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?

A.George Gobel:?? Get it in his mouth.





Q.Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?

A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?





Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?

A.Charley Weaver : I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.



Q.? Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?

A Charley Weaver : His feet?



Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh




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Benny the Motorcyclist


Once upon a time there was a young man named Benny. Benny loved motorcycles and riding motorcycles, but he was just a so-so rider. Whenever Benny and his friends would go on a ride, Benny was always at the rear of the pack, and he was always the last one to get to the bar at the end of the day. Everyone made fun of Benny, and suggested that he get a Spagthorp. However, this is another story.

One day when Benny was driving his cage (a Volvo of course) he spotted an old rusty Harley on the side of the road in some brush. Benny stopped, and thinking the Harley would make a good restoration project, loaded the bike into the car.

Later that evening when Benny was polishing the tank of the Harley a strange thing happened. A genie rose out of the tank and granted Benny a single wish. Benny thought about it, and finally wished that he could be the greatest motorcycle rider in the world. The genie said, "No problem, but there is a condition." (there always is) The condition was that Benny could never shave as long as he lived. If he did, the genie would return and change Benny into a Grecian Urn. Benny said, "Okay."

The next day Benny didn't feel any different, but when he and his friends went riding, Benny was the fastest rider in the group. Nobody could keep up with him. Even when Benny rode his FatBoy Harley the goofs were left in his dust. Everyone was amazed. Benny got a job riding GP bikes for MotoGuzzi, and never lost a race. He was revered the world over as the greatest motorcycle rider of all time.

However, Benny's beard was growing quite long, and would sometimes get tangled in the chain of his bike. Also, it got in the way of love making, and generally became intolerable. It had been a long time since Benny had seen the genie so he thought, "What the heck. I'll shave." No sooner than Benny had finished shaving, the genie appeared and said, "Benny, I warned you." The genie waved his arms, and after the smoke cleared there sat a Grecian Urn where Benny had been.

The moral of the story is: A Benny shaved is a Benny Urned.






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Sausage Factory


There once was a man who owned a sausage factory, and he was showing his arrogant preppy son around his factory. Try as he might to impress his snobbish son, his son would just sneer. They approached the heart of the factory, where the father thought, "This should impress him"!

He showed his son the machine and said "Son, this is the heart of the factory. This machine here we can put in pig, and out come sausages".

The prudish son, unimpressed, said "Yes, but do you have a machine where you can put in a sausage and out comes a pig"?

The father, furious, thought and said, "Yes son, we call it your mother...."







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Culling the Coyotes


A few years ago, the Sierra Club and the United States Forest Service were presenting an alternative to Wyoming ranchers for controlling the coyote population.

It seemed that, after years of the ranchers using the tried and true methods of shooting and/or trapping the predators, the tree-huggers had a "more humane" solution. What they proposed was for the animals to be captured alive, the males castrated, then let loose again...and thus the population would be controlled. This was ACTUALLY proposed to the Wyoming Wool and Sheep Grower's association by Sierra Club and USFS.

Well, all the ranchers thought about this amazing idea for a couple of minutes. Finally, an old boy in the back stood up, kicked his hat back and said, "Son, I don't think you understand the problem." These coyotes ain't fuckin' our sheep....they're eatin' 'em".







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This can save your bacon

¯\_(ツ)_/¯




The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

We try to bust a gut with our funny, Yo Mama, Redneck, lawyer, animal, relationship and crap jokes.

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