Wednesday 4th November 2020 - 10:00:47 

Previously On Johns-Jokes

NO Pictures - Just Jokes
Mobile User Friendly

The Young Entrepreneur

A young businessman had just started his own firm. He rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques. Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear the hot shot, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working.

He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments. Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, "Can I help you?"

The man said, "Yeah, I've come to activate your phone lines."

Share with friends?

Funny Pictures

Playing Cowboy

There was a little boy who loved to dress up like a cowboy and pretend that he was one. His mother gave him some money one day to go to the local soda fountain and buy a sundae.

As the little boy ordered the sundae, the waitress asked him, "Do you want one scoop or two"?

The little boy said, "Two, please".

Then the waitress asked, "Do you you want chocolate sauce"?

The little boy replied, "Yes, please".

Then the waitress asked the little boy, "Do you want your nuts crushed"?

The little boy pulled his toy gun out, pointed it at the waitress and said, "Do you want your tits shot off"?

Share with friends?

Funny Pictures

When a Lady Has To Fart

An Avon lady was alone in an elevator when suddenly she had to fart. She promptly reached into her bag and sprayed the air with her deodorizer. Two floors later, a gentleman got on the elevator.

He began to sniff...

The Avon lady asked, "Do you smell something"?

"Well, yes I do", he replied.

"What does it smell like"?

The bemused gentleman answered, "I'm not sure, but it kinda smells like someone shit in a pine tree".

Share with friends?

Funny Pictures

Strange Cornwall Witch and the Hamster Story

A friend was stationed in Cornwall and swears this story was true. I doubt - how about you?

He lived in a small Cornish village next to a witch who still practised the old religion. His young son was devastated when his pet Hamster died. The boy had had the hamster for over a year, which is strange in its-self but read on.

My Pal decided to bury the Hamster in his garden with full honours and duly dug a hole. In the middle of the act of placing the box in the grave, the old Witch leaned over the fence and said ‘What be ee doin boys?’.

The young lad, tearfully explained he was burying his hamster.

The kindly White Witch said” Yoom don’t want to that boys, give it here and I’ll make ee a nice bottle of jam’.

Against his father’s protests the young lad snatched the shoe box and handed it to the witch.

About a week later the witch called the boy and handed him a bottle of green jam saying ‘ere you be boy your amster jam

At home the father said "Theres no way we are eating that so went and buried it in the garden".

Now here is the very strange part because next Spring at ther very place he buried the jam, a fantasyic variety of Spring flowers grew; first up were snowdrops then loads of huge Daffs and every type of spring flower –except Tulips.

Don’t you find that strange because you would expect to get tulips from ansterjam?

Share with friends?

Funny Pictures

Guardian Angel

A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice: “Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you.”

The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished. He went on, and after awhile he was going to cross the road.

Once again the voice shouted: “Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you and you will die.”

The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him.
“Where are you?” the man asked. “Who are you?”

“I am your guardian angel,” the voice answered.

“Oh yeah?” the man asked… “And where were you when I got married?”

Share with friends?

Funny Pictures

Golfers Be Grateful

A foursome of senior golfers hit the course with waning enthusiasm for the sport.

"These hills are getting steeper as the years go by", one complained.

"These fairways seem to be getting longer too", said one of the others.

"The sand traps seem to be bigger than I remember them too", said the third senior.

After hearing enough from his senior buddies, the oldest, and the wisest of the four of them at 87 years old, piped up and said... "Quit your bitching and just be thankful we're still on the RIGHT SIDE of the grass"!

Share with friends?

Funny Pictures

The Birthday Gift

Joe was talking to his buddy at the bar, and he said, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday - she has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I'm stumped".

His buddy said, "I have an idea - why don't you make up a certificate saying she can have 60 minutes of great sex, any way she wants it - she'll probably be thrilled".

So that's what Joe did.

The next day at the bar his buddy said, "Well? Did you take my suggestion"?

"Yes, I did", said Joe.

"Did she like it" His buddy asked?

"Oh yes! she jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the forehead and ran out the door, yelling "I'll be back in an hour"!!

Share with friends?

Funny Pictures

On the Bus.

A young Jew and an old Jew are riding on a bus in Jerusalem.

The young Jew asks, "Excuse me, sir, what time is it?"

The old Jew doesn't answer.

"Excuse me, sir," the young Jew asks again, "what time is it?"

The old Jew looks up him, but still doesn't answer.

The young Jew is puzzled, "Sir, forgive me for interrupting you all the time, but I really want to know what time it is. Why won't you answer me?"

The old Jew turns toward the young man and says, "Son, the next stop is the last on this route. I don't know you, so you must be a stranger. If I answer you now, according to Jewish tradition, I must invite you to my home. You're handsome and I have a beautiful daughter. You would fall in love with her and you'd want to get married. And tell me, why would I want a son-in-law who can't even afford a fucking watch"?

Share with friends?

Funny Pictures

Bra Sizes Explained

Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, and H are the letters used to define bra sizes?
If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out what the letters stood for, it is about time you became informed!

(A} Almost Boobs...
{B} Barely there.
{C} Can't Complain!
{D} Dang!
{DD} Double dang!
{E} Enormous!
{F} Fake
{G} Get a Reduction..
{H} Help me, I've fallen and I can't get up !

Share with friends?

Funny Pictures

What Religion is Your Partner's Bra?

A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, 'I'd like to buy a bra for my wife.'

'What type of bra?' asked the clerk.

'Type?' inquires the man, 'There's more than one type?'

'Look around,' said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material imaginable.

'Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose.'

Relieved, the man asked about the types. The saleslady replied:

'There are the Catholic, the Salvation Army, the Presbyterian, and the Baptist types. Which one would you prefer?'

Now totally befuddled, the man asked about the differences between them.

The Saleslady responded, 'It is all really quite simple... '
The Catholic type supports the masses.
The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen,
The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright, and
The Baptist makes mountains out of mole hills.

Share with friends?

Funny Pictures

Old Jokes   95    96    97    98  99  100    101    102    103   Latest

Build your own satellite and have it launched into Space.

AmbaSat-1 is a tiny Space satellite kit that you launch yourself

The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

We try to bust a gut with our funny, Yo Mama, Redneck, lawyer, animal, relationship and crap jokes.

You only live once!   So make sure you spend 15 hours on the internet everyday, seeking validation from strangers.

Fuelled by: CodeIgniter - ver: 3.1.11  Debug: / 699,536Mb / 10:00:47 / 200 / No Errors