Saturday 24th August 2019 - 21:00:50 

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The Regular Customer


The madam opened the brothel door to see a rather dignified, well-dressed good looking man in his late 40s or early 50s.

"May I help you?" she asked.

"I want to see Valerie," the man replied.

"Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else," said the madam.

"No. I must see Valerie," was the man's reply.

Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man that she charged $1,000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out ten one-hundred dollar bills, gave them to Valerie, and they went upstairs.

After an hour, the man calmly left.

The next night, the same man appeared again, demanding to see Valerie. Valerie explained that none had ever come back two nights in a row--too expensive--and there were no discounts. The price was still $1,000. Again the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for the third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.

After their session, Valerie questioned the man. "No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?" she asked.

The man replied, "South Carolina."

"Really?" she said. "I have family in South Carolina."

"I know," the man said. "Your father died, and I am your sister's attorney. She asked me to give you your $3,000 inheritance."

The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain:
1. Death.
2. Taxes.
3. Being screwed by a lawyer.



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Vaseline


A market researcher called at a house and his knock was answered by a young woman with three small children running around her. He asked her if she minded replying to his questions and she agreed.

First he asked her if she knew his company, Cheeseborough-Ponds.

When she said no, he mentioned that among their many products was Vaseline and she certainly knew of that product. When asked if she used it, the answer was "Yes."

Asked how she used it, she said, "To assist sexual intercourse."

The interviewer was amazed. He said, "I always ask that question because everyone uses our product and they always say they use it for the child's bicycle chain, or the gate hinge; but I know that most use it for sexual intercourse. Since you've been so frank, could you tell me exactly how you use it?"

"Yes, we put it on the doorknob to keep the kids out."




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Wheelbarrow Method


After hearing a couple’s complaints that their intimate life wasn’t what it used to be, the sex counselor suggested that they vary their positions.

“For example,” he suggested, “you might try the wheel barrel. Lift her legs from behind and off you go.”

The eager husband was all for trying this new idea as soon as they got home.

“Well, okay,” the hesitant wife agreed, “but on two conditions - First, if it hurts, you will stop right away. And second,” she continued, “you have to promise we won’t go past my mother’s house.”


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Finally Learned What Service Means


I became confused when I heard these terms which reference the word 'service'.

Internal Revenue 'Service'
U.S. Postal 'Service'
Telephone 'Service'
T.V. 'Service'
Civil 'Service'
City & County Public 'Service'
Customer 'Service'

This is not what I thought 'service' meant. But today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to 'service' a few cows. BAM!!! It all came into perspective. I now understand what all those 'service' agencies are doing to us.

I hope you are as enlightened as I am.






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The Young Entrepreneur


A young businessman had just started his own firm. He rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques. Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear the hot shot, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working.

He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments. Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, "Can I help you?"

The man said, "Yeah, I've come to activate your phone lines."






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Playing Cowboy


There was a little boy who loved to dress up like a cowboy and pretend that he was one. His mother gave him some money one day to go to the local soda fountain and buy a sundae.

As the little boy ordered the sundae, the waitress asked him, "Do you want one scoop or two"?

The little boy said, "Two, please".

Then the waitress asked, "Do you you want chocolate sauce"?

The little boy replied, "Yes, please".

Then the waitress asked the little boy, "Do you want your nuts crushed"?

The little boy pulled his toy gun out, pointed it at the waitress and said, "Do you want your tits shot off"?





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When a Lady Has To Fart



An Avon lady was alone in an elevator when suddenly she had to fart. She promptly reached into her bag and sprayed the air with her deodorizer. Two floors later, a gentleman got on the elevator.

He began to sniff...

The Avon lady asked, "Do you smell something"?

"Well, yes I do", he replied.

"What does it smell like"?

The bemused gentleman answered, "I'm not sure, but it kinda smells like someone shit in a pine tree".





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Strange Cornwall Witch and the Hamster Story


A friend was stationed in Cornwall and swears this story was true. I doubt - how about you?

He lived in a small Cornish village next to a witch who still practised the old religion. His young son was devastated when his pet Hamster died. The boy had had the hamster for over a year, which is strange in its-self but read on.

My Pal decided to bury the Hamster in his garden with full honours and duly dug a hole. In the middle of the act of placing the box in the grave, the old Witch leaned over the fence and said ‘What be ee doin boys?’.

The young lad, tearfully explained he was burying his hamster.

The kindly White Witch said” Yoom don’t want to that boys, give it here and I’ll make ee a nice bottle of jam’.

Against his father’s protests the young lad snatched the shoe box and handed it to the witch.

About a week later the witch called the boy and handed him a bottle of green jam saying ‘ere you be boy your amster jam

At home the father said "Theres no way we are eating that so went and buried it in the garden".

Now here is the very strange part because next Spring at ther very place he buried the jam, a fantasyic variety of Spring flowers grew; first up were snowdrops then loads of huge Daffs and every type of spring flower –except Tulips.

Don’t you find that strange because you would expect to get tulips from ansterjam?





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Guardian Angel


A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice: “Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you.”

The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished. He went on, and after awhile he was going to cross the road.

Once again the voice shouted: “Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you and you will die.”

The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him.
“Where are you?” the man asked. “Who are you?”

“I am your guardian angel,” the voice answered.

“Oh yeah?” the man asked… “And where were you when I got married?”





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Golfers Be Grateful


A foursome of senior golfers hit the course with waning enthusiasm for the sport.

"These hills are getting steeper as the years go by", one complained.

"These fairways seem to be getting longer too", said one of the others.

"The sand traps seem to be bigger than I remember them too", said the third senior.

After hearing enough from his senior buddies, the oldest, and the wisest of the four of them at 87 years old, piped up and said... "Quit your bitching and just be thankful we're still on the RIGHT SIDE of the grass"!









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Build your own satellite and have it launched into Space.

AmbaSat-1 is a tiny Space satellite kit that you launch yourself
¯\_(ツ)_/¯




The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

We try to bust a gut with our funny, Yo Mama, Redneck, lawyer, animal, relationship and crap jokes.

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