Sunday 19th March 2023 - 05:30:43 

One Liners Version: 002


4x4 = 4 metres in 4 minutes

(_!_) - An Arse, (__!__) - A Fat Arse, (!) - A Tight Arse, (_?_) - A Dumb Arse, (_*_) - A Sore Arse, (_x_) - KISS MY ARSE!!!

A dick is the unluckiest thing on the planet. It's got an eye that can't see, a head with no brain, and has 3 neighbours, 2 of them are nuts, and the other one is an asshole.

A fool and his money are soon partying.

A seminar on time travel will be held two weeks ago.

A synonym is a word you use in place of one you can't spell.

A woman never forgets her age once she decides what it is.

A wise monkey never monkeys with another monkey's monkey!

Adam was created first to give him a chance to say something.

Always keep a record of data - it indicates you've been working.

Always remember you're unique, Just like everyone else.

All women are idiots, I married their queen!

An accountant is a man hired to explain why you didn't make the money you did.

An egg is the unluckiest thing on the planet: it only gets laid once, it only gets eaten once, it takes two minutes to get hard, it comes in a box with eleven other guys, and the only one who ever sits on its face is its mom.

An erection is like the theory of relativity, the more you think about it, the harder it gets.

Ask me about microwaving cats for fun and profit!

Artificial inteligence? Better than natural stupidity.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

Below Average Pilot = Unequal number of takeoffs and landings.

Be nice to your kids...They will pick out your nursing home.

Bundy - Because you can't solve the worlds problems over white wine.

Cards is like sex, if you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand.

Cats: The other white meat.

Common sense is the least common of all senses.

Copy from one is plagiarism. Copy from two is research.

Crime doesn't pay, Does that mean my job is a crime?

Crashing is the only thing windows does quickly.

Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular.

Does the information highway have any rest stops?

Don't piss me off, I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.

Don't play stupid with me, I'm better at it!

Don't rush me, I get paid by the hour.

Don't start with me, You won't win.

Don't steal, The government hates competition.

Easy To Install: Difficult to install, but instruction manual has pictures.

Eat Well, Stay Fit, Die Anyway.

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

Everyone has a right to be stupid, Some just abuse the priviledge.

Far to many cats, not enough recipes.

For people who like peace and quiet: a phoneless cord

God has Alzheimer's disease, He's forgotten that we exist.

Gravity doesn't exist, The Earth sucks.

Grow your own dope, plant a woman.

Hard work has a future payoff, Laziness pays off now.

Hard work never killed anyone, but why take a risk?

Hardware: The parts of a computer system that can be kicked.

Heaven doesn't want me, and hell is afraid I'll take over!

Help Wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.

I always lie. In fact, I'm lying to you right now!

I apologize to the deaf for the loss of subtitles.

I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it

I haven't lost my mind, I know exactly where I left it.

I haven't lost my mind, It's backed up on disk somewhere.

I like kids, but I don't think I could eat a whole one.

I know Karate, Kung Fu, and 47 other dangerous words.

I made it foolproof, but they're making better fools.

I multitask... I read in the bathroom.

I need someone really bad, Are you really bad?

I souport publik edukashun.

I still miss my ex...but my aim is getting better!

I took an IQ test and the results were negative!

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke!

I wish there was a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence, There's a knob called 'brightness,' but it doesn't work.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my Grandfather, Not screaming in Terror like his passengers!!!

I won't play stupid with you, because i know your better at it!

If I am what I eat them I am cheap, quick, and easy.

If idiots could fly, this place would be an airport.

If it's a rockin' don't come a knockin'

If it's not on fire, it's a software problem.

If it's too loud you're too old!

If you took a IQ test, the results would be negitive.

If you're rich, I'm single.

If voting changed anything, they'd make it illegal.

Ignorance is temporary, Stupidity lasts forever.

I'm as busy as a one legged man in an butt-kicking contest.

Is 5 speeds and 9 inch's enough?

Is there life after death?.....Get me mad and you will find out!

It's not the bullet that kills you, it's the hole.

It's not the length, it's not the size, it's how many times you can make it rise.

Life is like a box of chocolates, It's full of nuts.

Life is like a roll of toilet paper, The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.

Life's too short to be a lady.

Lost: 1 Wife, 1 Dog, reward offered for return of dog

Math problems? Call 1-800-10x(24+13)-(64-16)/2^14E2.

My other toy has tits.

My wife has a drinking problem, ME!!

Never play leap frog with a unicorn!

Never say "OOPS!", always say "Ah, Interesting!"

Nobody's ugly after 2 a.m.

Programming Rule: Never test for an error you don't know how to handle.

Ok, I pulled the pin. Now what? Where are you going?

Opinions are like assholes - everyone has one, and everyone thinks everybody elses stinks.

Opinions are like assholes - everybodys got one, but no-one wants to know about yours.

Operator, trace this call and tell me where I am.

Out of my mind...Back in five minutes.

OUT TO LUNCH - If not back at five, OUT TO DINNER!

Recursion: noun, See Recursion.

Reduce Carbon Dioxide emmissions - STOP BREATHING!

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja-vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.

Smile - it makes people wonder what you're thinking.

Smile - it makes people wonder what you're up to.

So many pedestrians so little time.

Some people are as useful as a milk bucket under a bull.

Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
Sumo Wrestling: Survival of the fattest
The 50-50-90 rule is whenever you have a 50/50 chance of getting somthing right, there is a 90% probability you'll get it wrong!
The future isn't what it used to be.
The difference between light and hard is that you can sleep with a light on.
The easiest way to avoid a hangover is to just stay drunk.
The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.
The weather is here. Wish you were beautiful.
The woman cries before the wedding, the man afterwards.
The world is coming to an end. Log off and leave in an orderly fashion.
There is no right way to do a wrong thing.
Time is the best teacher, unfortunately it kills all of it's students.
To some its a six-pack, to me it's a support Group.
Treat each day as your last, one day you will be right.
Truck drivers have the biggest horn!
You are depriving some poor village of its IDIOT!
You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
Want more grunt?, do it with a pig!
We are all born naked, wet, and hungry....Then things get worse.
What has 75 balls, and screws mainly old women? .................. Bingo!
When blondes have more fun, do the know it?
Where there's a will...I want to be in it.
Windows 98: 32-bit extensions and a graphical shell for a 16-bit patch to an 8-bit operating system originally coded for a 4-bit microprocessor, written by a 2-bit company that can't stand 1 bit of competition.
Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?
Zero to naked in 6.2 beers.

Quotes for Today:

There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and shithead's.

There are two ways to write error-free programs. Only the third one works.

There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.
Ken Olson, president, chairman and founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977  

Build your own satellite and have it launched into Space.

AmbaSat-1 is a tiny Space satellite kit that you launch yourself

The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

We try to bust a gut with our funny, Yo Mama, Redneck, lawyer, animal, relationship and crap jokes.

You only live once!   So make sure you spend 15 hours on the internet everyday, seeking validation from strangers.

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