Today's Rib Ticklers
I’ve only got myshelf to blame.
I found myself drowning in an ocean made out of orange soda yesterday.
It took me a while to work out it was just a Fanta sea.
I walked into a bar the other night and bought a drink. As I was leaving the bar, a bowl of nuts said "Ohh..nice shoes...love your hair". "Well", I thought, "that's odd!" So I walked to the cigarette machine and it starts shouting..."Oi...f@#k off you dickhead! I'll smash your face in!"
I went back to the bar to ask the bar tender what was going on and he said "Oh, sorry sir.... the nuts are complimentary and the cigarette machine's out of order."
My wife has packed her bags and gone - just because of my fetish with touching pasta.
I'm feeling cannelloni right now.
I shot someone with a starting gun. I've been charged with race crimes.
Q: "Can you do an impression of a Parrot?" asked my mate.
A: "Can you do an impression of a Parrot?" I replied.
I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.
I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.
When chemists die, they barium.
Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.
I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Type-O.
PMS jokes aren't funny — period.
We're going on a class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz.
I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?
I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.
What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.
Velcro: what a rip off!
The earthquake in Washington obviously was the government's fault.
and not forgetting...
This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.