Saturday 26th September 2020 - 08:33:55 

Tommy Cooper Witticisms


Tommy Cooper was a comedian's comedian. The main reason was because he broke every rule in the book. Other comedians would like to have tried what Tommy did, but only he could attempt the outrageous and not only get away with it but also turn the outrageous into his signature tune. Jokes going deliberately going wrong became his trade mark, but there are other subtler things Tommy Cooper did that lesser comedians cannot, for example repeating a joke once he got the first a laugh.

Tommy Cooper

"I had a meal last night. I ordered everything in French, surprised everybody. It was a Chinese restaurant. I said to this Chinese waiter, "Look, this chicken I got here is cold."

He said, "It should be, it's been dead two weeks."


I said, "Not only that." I said, I said... I said it twice, I said, "He's got one leg shorter than the other."

"He said, "What do you wanna do with it, eat it or dance with it?"

I said, "Forget the chicken, give me a lobster, and he brought me this lobster. I said just a minute, he's only got one claw."

He said "Well he's been in a fight."

I said, "Well give me the winner."


A man goes into the doctors.

The doctor says, "Go over to the window and stick your tongue out".

Man says, Why?

The doctor says, " I don't like my neighbours"

I went into a butchers and I said, "I'll have a pound of sausages."

He said, "I'm very sorry, sir, we only serve kilos in here."

I said, "Okay then I'll have a pound of kilos."


I was in bed with my new girlfriend last night, and she said I‘d got the biggest w*lly she’d ever laid her hands on.............

I said “You’re pulling my leg”



Build your own satellite and have it launched into Space.

AmbaSat-1 is a tiny Space satellite kit that you launch yourself

Quotes for Today:

When women kiss it always reminds me of prize fighter shaking hands.

Whenever you are depressed and think that you've lost, remember you are the same sperm that once won the battle To survive among millions of your kind.

Why do men fart more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.

The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

We try to bust a gut with our funny, Yo Mama, Redneck, lawyer, animal, relationship and crap jokes.

You only live once!   So make sure you spend 15 hours on the internet everyday, seeking validation from strangers.

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