Top 10 Jokes of the Day
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An Irishman's First Drink with his SonWhile reading an article last night about fathers and sons, memories came flooding back to the time I took me son out for his first pint.
Off we went to our local pub only two blocks from our house.
I got him a Guinness. He didn't like it, so I drank it.
Then I got him a Kilkenny's, he didn't like that either, so I drank it.
Finally, I thought he might like some Harp Lager? He didn't. So I drank it.
I thought maybe he'd like whiskey better than beer, so we tried a Jameson's, nope!
In desperation, I had him try that rare Redbreast, Ireland's finest. He wouldn't even smell it. What could I do but drink it!
By the time I realized he just didn't like to drink, I was so fookin' shit-faced I could hardly push his pram back home.
Little Johnny and PerhapsA school teacher asked her students to make a sentence containing the expression "I presume".
One little girl held up her hand and said: "Yesterday my mother hand washed the dinner dishes and I presumed that the dishwasher was broken."
"Very good" said the teacher.
Another one said: "This morning, my father drove the Volkswagen out of the garage, I presume that the BMW wouldn't start."
"That's excellent" says the teacher.
Little Johnny at the back of the classroom gets up and says: "Yesterday I saw grandpa leave the house with a newspaper under his arm and headed for the bush, I presume that......."
The teacher interrupted him and said, "I stopped you because you have no idea what your grandfather was going to do, so you can't presume anything."
Johnny says, "Please Teacher, let me finish my sentence."
The teacher says, "Very well. Continue."
"As I was saying, I saw my grandpa heading for the bush with a newspaper under his arm. I presume he was going for a crap because he can't read."
Retired Person's Perspective
- I'm not saying let's go kill all the stupid people. I'm just saying let's remove all the warning labels and let the problem work itself out.
- I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
- You can tell a lot about a woman's mood just by her hands. If they are holding a gun, she's probably unhappy.
- Gone are the days when girls cooked like their mothers. Now they drink like their fathers.
- You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like someone you've just met? That's common sense leaving your body.
- I don't like making plans for the day....because then the word "premeditated" gets thrown around in the courtroom.
- I didn't make it to the gym today. That makes 1,508 days in a row.
- I decided to change calling the bathroom "the John" and renamed it "the Jim". I feel so much better saying "I went to the Jim this morning".
- Dear paranoid people, who check behind shower curtains for murderers: If you find one, what's your plan?
- Everyone has a right to be stupid. Politicians just abuse the privilege. (just remember Einstein's comment, "There is a major difference between intelligence and stupidity; intelligence has its limits.")
Biker with a Broken ZipA couple were roaring down the road on a Honda motorcycle when the guy pulled over because his leather jacket had a broken zip. He told his girlfriend, "I can't keep driving any more, the air hitting me in the chest is unbearable."
His girlfriend said "Try putting your jacket on back to front."
The boyfriend quickly made the change and they continued roaring down the road until the next bend! The boyfriend was going far too fast, lost control and the couple were both flung into a ditch.
A passing motorist stopped, rushed over to help, then ran to call the police. The police telephone operator asked, "Are they showing any signs of life?"
"Well," the motorist explained, "the girl seems OK and her boyfriend was moving until I turned his head around the right way!"
Paddy Visits The Antiques Road ShowPaddy took 2 stuffed dogs to the Antiques Road show.
"Ooh", said the presenter. "This is a very rare set produced by the celebrated Johns Brothers - taxidermists who operated in London at the turn of the last century. Do you have any idea what they would fetch if they were in good condition?"
"Sticks".. said Paddy.
Seniors Under AttackTHIS IS HAPPENING RIGHT HERE IN OUR OWN COUNTRY!
We Must Stop This Immediately
Have you noticed that stairs are getting steeper ? Groceries are heavier.
And, everything is farther away. Yesterday I walked to the corner and I was
dumbfounded to discover how long our street had become!
And, you know, people are less considerate now, especially the young ones.
They speak in whispers all the time! If you ask them to speak up they just
keep repeating themselves, endlessly mouthing the same silent message until
they're red in the face! What do they think I am, a lip reader?
I also think they are much younger than I was at the same age. On the other
hand, people my own age are so much older than I am. I ran into an old
friend the other day and she has aged so much that she didn't even recognize
I got to thinking about the poor dear while I was combing my hair this
morning, and in doing so, I glanced at my own reflection well, REALLY NOW -
even mirrors are not made the way they used to be!
Another thing, everyone drives so fast these days! You're risking life and
limb if you happen to pull onto the freeway in front of them. All I can say
is, their brakes must wear out awfully fast, the way I see them screech and
swerve in my rear view mirror.
Clothing manufacturers are less civilized these days. Why else would they
suddenly start labeling a size 32 waist pant as 40? Do they think no one
notices? The people who make bathroom scales are pulling the same prank. Do
they think I actually 'believe' the number I see on that dial? HA! I would
never let myself weigh that much! Just who do these people think they're
I'd like to call up someone in authority to report what's going on -- but
the telephone company is in on the conspiracy too: they've printed the phone
books in suchsmall type that no one could ever find a number in there!
All I can do is pass along this warning: WE ARE UNDER ATTACK!
Unless something drastic happens, pretty soon everyone will have to suffer
these awful indignities.
PLEASE PASS THIS ON TO EVERYONE YOU KNOW AS SOON AS POSSIBLE SO WE CAN GET
THIS CONSPIRACY STOPPED!
PS: I am sending this to you in a larger font size, because something has
happened to my computer's fonts - they are smaller than they once were.
Seasonal Dentist GroanerA man went to his dentist because he feels something wrong in his mouth.
The dentist examines him and says, "That new upper plate I put in for you six months ago is eroding. What have you been eating?"
The man replies, "All I can think of is that about four months ago my wife made some asparagus and put some stuff on it that was delicious... Hollandaise sauce. I loved it so much I now put it on everything — meat, toast, fish, vegetables, everything."
"Well," says the dentist, "that’s probably the problem. Hollandaise sauce is made with lots of highly corrosive lemon juice. It’s eaten away your upper plate. I’ll make you a new plate, and this time use chrome."
"Why chrome?" asks the patient.
To which the dentist replies, "It’s simple. Everyone knows that there’s no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise!"
My Son's LizardIf you have raised kids (or been one) and gone through the pet syndrome, including toilet flush burials for dead goldfish, the story below will have you laughing out LOUD!
Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet and here's what happened:
Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was "something wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room.
"He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious, Dad. Can you help?"
I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.
"Honey," I called, "come look at the lizard!"
"Oh, my gosh!" my wife exclaimed. "She's having babies."
"What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!"
I was equally outraged. "Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce", I said accusingly to my wife.
"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she inquired. (I think she actually said this sarcastically!)
"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!"
"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.
"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know," she informed me. (Again with the sarcasm!)
By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it. "Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience," I announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of birth."
"Oh, gross!" they shrieked
We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.
"We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted.
"It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified.
"Do something, Dad!" my son urged.
"Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.
"Should I call 911?" my eldest daughter wanted to know.
"Maybe they could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)
"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly. We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap.
"Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.
The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.
"What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested scientifically.
"Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. And Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?"
I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.
"Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.
"Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This lizard is not in labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen. . .Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male.. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um . . Um . . . Masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back." He blushed, glancing at my wife.
We were silent, absorbing this.
"So, Ernie's just, just . . .. Excited," my wife offered.
"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood.
More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly. Tears were now running down her face. "It's just ... That ...I'm picturing you pulling on its .. . . Its. .. Teeny little . . "
She gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.
"That's enough," I warned.
We thanked the vet and hurriedly bundled the lizard and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay.
"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you did, Dad," he told me.
"Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.
Two lizards: $140.
One cage: $50.
Trip to the vet: $30.
Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkie:
Moral of the story: Pay attention in biology class.
Lizards lay eggs!
Contributor: Miriam and Phil
Heart operation on father by his sonA father was due for a major heart operation for bypass surgery and he insisted that his son,a renowned surgeon, perform the operation.
As he was about to get the anesthesia, he asked to speak to his son.
"Yes, Dad , what is it?"
"Don't be nervous, son; do your best, and just remember, if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me, your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife...."
Contributor: Irving P (HAH)
Would you like a drink?An airplane encountered some turbulence, it started juddering and rocking noticeably from side to side.
The flight crew wheeled out the drinks cart to keep the passengers calm.
The attendant asked a business man “Would you like a drink?
“Why not?” he replied unkindly “I’ll have whatever the pilot’s been having.