Crap Joke Central - 002Ponderism for today:
Whoever invented the knock knock joke should get a no bell prize.
Friendship, Confession and Sharing!!!Murphy goes to his friend Pat and says ... "I'm sleeping with the Pastor's wife. Can you hold him in church for an hour after services for me?"
Pat doesn't like it but being Murphy's long time friend, he agrees. After service, he starts talking to the Pastor, asking him all sorts of stupid questions, just to keep him occupied.
Finally the Pastor gets annoyed and asks Pat what he's really up to.
Pat, feeling guilty, finally confesses to the Pastor. "My friend is sleeping with your wife right now, so he asked me to keep you occupied".
The Pastor smiles, puts a brotherly hand on Pat's shoulder and says... "You better hurry home. My wife died two years ago".
Ponderisms for Seniors
- I don't need anger management. I need people to stop ticking me off!
- Old age is coming at a really bad time!
- When I was a child I thought Nap Time was a punishment ... Now, as a grown up, it just feels like a small vacation!
- The biggest lie I tell myself is ... "I don't need to write that down, I'll remember it."
- Lord, grant me the strength to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the friends to post my bail when I finally snap!
- I don't have gray hair. I have "wisdom highlights.” I'm very wise.
- My people skills are just fine. It's my tolerance to idiots that needs work.
- Teach your daughter how to shoot, because a restraining order is just a piece of paper.
- If God wanted me to touch my toes, He would’ve put them on my knees.
- The kids text me "plz" which is shorter than please. I text back "no" which is shorter than "yes”.
- I'm going to retire and live off of my savings. Not sure what I'll do that second week.
- When did it change from "We the people" to "screw the people"?
- Even duct tape can't fix stupid ... But it can muffle the sound!
- Why do I have to press one for English when you're just going to transfer me to someone I can't understand anyway?
- Lord, Give me patience and give it to me NOW.
- Of course I talk to myself, sometimes I need expert advice.
- Oops! Did I roll my eyes out loud?
- At my age "getting lucky" means walking into a room and remembering what I was wanting!
Very Smart PoliceTwo police officers responding to a domestic disturbance with shots fired arrive on scene. After discovering the wife had shot her husband for walking across her freshly mopped floor, they call their sergeant on his cell phone.
"It looks like we have a homicide here.”
"A woman has shot her husband for walking on the floor she had just mopped."
"Have you placed her under arrest?"
"No sir. The floor is still wet!”
The Generation GapA class assignment was to interview an 'Old Person' about their life...
The granddaughter asked her Grandma 'What was the biggest historical event that happened during your lifetime?'
Grandma said 'It must have been the Moonwalk'.
Granddaughter looked disappointed and said, 'Why was that dance was so important to you?'
A Mother's Advice To Her Son on His first DateA young man called his mother and announced excitedly that he had just met the woman of his dreams. Now what should he do?
His mother had an idea: "Why don't you send her flowers, and on the card invite her to your apartment for a home- cooked meal?"
He thought this was a great strategy, and a week later, the woman came to dinner. His mother called the next day to see how things had gone.
"I was totally humiliated," he moaned. "She insisted on washing the dishes."
"What's wrong with that?" asked his mother. "I think it's a wonderful gesture."
"But before we started eating?"
The Logical Makes Perfect SenseAn air traffic control tower suddenly lost communication with a small twin engine aircraft. A moment later the tower land line rang and was answered by one of the employees.
The passenger riding with the pilot who lost communications was on a cellular phone and yelled "Mayday, mayday!! The pilot had an instant and fatal heart attack. I grabbed his cell phone out of his pocket and he had told me before we took off he had the tower on his speed dial memory. I am flying upside down at 18,000 feet and traveling at 180 mph. Mayday, Mayday!!!
The employee in the tower had put him on speaker phone immediately. "Calm down, we acknowledge you and we’ll guide you down after a few questions. The first thing is not to panic, remain calm!!".
He began his series of questions:
Tower : How do you know you are traveling at 18,000 feet?
Aircraft: I can see that it reads 18,000 feet on the Altimeter dial in front of me.
Tower: Okay, that’s good, remain calm. How do you know you’re traveling at 180 mph?
Aircraft: I can see that it reads 180 mph on the Airspeed dial in front of me."
Tower: Okay, this is great so far, but it’s heavily overcast, so how do you know you're flying upside down?"
Aircraft: The shit in my pants is running out of my shirt collar.
An Irishman's First Drink with his SonWhile reading an article last night about fathers and sons, memories came flooding back to the time I took me son out for his first pint.
Off we went to our local pub only two blocks from our house.
I got him a Guinness. He didn't like it, so I drank it.
Then I got him a Kilkenny's, he didn't like that either, so I drank it.
Finally, I thought he might like some Harp Lager? He didn't. So I drank it.
I thought maybe he'd like whiskey better than beer, so we tried a Jameson's, nope!
In desperation, I had him try that rare Redbreast, Ireland's finest. He wouldn't even smell it. What could I do but drink it!
By the time I realized he just didn't like to drink, I was so fookin' shit-faced I could hardly push his pram back home.
Little Johnny and PerhapsA school teacher asked her students to make a sentence containing the expression "I presume".
One little girl held up her hand and said: "Yesterday my mother hand washed the dinner dishes and I presumed that the dishwasher was broken."
"Very good" said the teacher.
Another one said: "This morning, my father drove the Volkswagen out of the garage, I presume that the BMW wouldn't start."
"That's excellent" says the teacher.
Little Johnny at the back of the classroom gets up and says: "Yesterday I saw grandpa leave the house with a newspaper under his arm and headed for the bush, I presume that......."
The teacher interrupted him and said, "I stopped you because you have no idea what your grandfather was going to do, so you can't presume anything."
Johnny says, "Please Teacher, let me finish my sentence."
The teacher says, "Very well. Continue."
"As I was saying, I saw my grandpa heading for the bush with a newspaper under his arm. I presume he was going for a crap because he can't read."
Retired Person's Perspective
- I'm not saying let's go kill all the stupid people. I'm just saying let's remove all the warning labels and let the problem work itself out.
- I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
- You can tell a lot about a woman's mood just by her hands. If they are holding a gun, she's probably unhappy.
- Gone are the days when girls cooked like their mothers. Now they drink like their fathers.
- You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like someone you've just met? That's common sense leaving your body.
- I don't like making plans for the day....because then the word "premeditated" gets thrown around in the courtroom.
- I didn't make it to the gym today. That makes 1,508 days in a row.
- I decided to change calling the bathroom "the John" and renamed it "the Jim". I feel so much better saying "I went to the Jim this morning".
- Dear paranoid people, who check behind shower curtains for murderers: If you find one, what's your plan?
- Everyone has a right to be stupid. Politicians just abuse the privilege. (just remember Einstein's comment, "There is a major difference between intelligence and stupidity; intelligence has its limits.")