Crap Joke Central - 003Why must I prove that I am me to pay my bills over the phone? Do strangers
call to pay my bills? And, if they do, why don't you let them?
The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can
be in a robe, before you start looking like a mental patient.
My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations.
I'm pretty sure she was hitting on me.
My 60 year kindergarten reunion is coming up soon and I'm worried about the
195 lbs. I've gained.
I'm getting kind of tired always slowly raising my hand when someone asks,
"Who does something like that?"
I always wondered what the job application is like at Hooters.. do they just
give you a bra and say, "here fill this out"..?
Four-time NASCAR Sprint Cup champion Jeff Gordon announced that this will be
his final season of racing. You could tell it was time for him to retire
during his last race when he had his blinker on the whole time.
The speed in which a woman says "nothing" when asked "What's wrong?" is
inversely proportional to the severity of the storm that's coming.
Denny's has a slogan, 'If it's your birthday, the meal is on us.' .....If
you're in Denny's and it's your birthday... your life sucks!
If I make you breakfast in bed, a simple "Thank you" is all I need.....not
all this, "how did you get in my house" business!
The pharmacist asked me my birthday again today....Pretty sure she's going
to get me something.
On average, an American man will have sex two to three times a week; whereas
a Japanese man will have sex only one or two times a year. ...This is
upsetting news to me............ I had no idea I was Japanese.
I can't understand why women are okay with JC Penny's older women's line of
clothing line named, "Sag Harbor."
I think it's pretty cool how Chinese people made a language entirely out of
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Irish Airline AnnouncementBeing airborne approximately thirty minutes on an outbound evening Air Lingus flight from Dublin, the lead flight attendant nervously made the following painful announcement in her lovely Irish brogue:
"Ladies and gentlemen, I'm so very sorry, but it appears that there has been a terrible mix-up... One minute prior to take-off, by our catering service..., I don't know how this has happened, but we have 103 passengers on board, and..., unfortunately, we received only 40 dinner meals... I truly apologize for this mistake and inconvenience."
When passengers' muttering had died down, she continued..., "Anyone who is kind enough to give up their meal so that someone else can eat, will receive free, unlimited drinks for the duration of our 4 hour flight."
Her next announcement came about 2 hours later... "If anyone would like to change their minds, we still have 40 dinners available."
Finally The Blonde Joke to End All Blonde JokesA blonde woman was speeding down the road in her pink sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer, who was also a blonde.
The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated/
"What does it look like" she finally asked?
The policewoman replied, "it's square and it has your picture on it".
The driver finally found a square mirror in here purse, looked at it and handed it over to the policewoman. "Here it is" she said.
The blonde police woman looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, "OKm you can go. I didn't realise you were a cop..."
Delicate Corporate MatterAll of the ten senior members of the Board of Directors of the company were called into the chairman's office one by one until only Bob, the Junior member, was left sitting outside.
Finally it was his turn to be summoned. He entered the office to find the chairman and the ten other directors seated around a table. He Was invited to join them, which he did.
As soon as he had sat down the chairman turned to Bob looking him squarely in the eye, and with a stern voice, asked, “Have you ever had sex with Mrs Nateby, my secretary?”
“Oh, no Sir, positively not!” Bob replied.
“Are you absolutely sure?” asked the chairman.
“Honest, I've never been close enough to even touch her!”
“You'd swear to that?”
“Yes, I swear I've never had sex with Mrs Nateby anytime, anywhere.”
“Good, then you can fire her!".
Crap Joke Central - 002Ponderism for today:
Whoever invented the knock knock joke should get a no bell prize.
They just found a sword swallower dead... the police suspect it's an inside job.
WHAT DO WE WANT!!??
Race car noises!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT??!!
What do you call a Hispanic victim of grand theft auto?
Ponderism for today:
If I can't choose between an angry psychic and a sad psychic, I'll have to find a happy medium.
a lorry carrying a consignment of vicks crashed on the M1 junction 19 today. Police say there will be no congestion for 8 hours.
Overheard in the local pub
I know a man who taught his dog to play the trumpet on the London Underground...
He went from Barking to Tooting in an hour.
The winners of the palindrome race have been announced. Huge congratulations to driver and co-driver, brothers Bob and Otto Hannah, in their Civic racecar.
How a Mexican describes that his wife wet herself.
I keep thinking of taking a course on procrastination but I never seem to get round to it.
Here's one for Miriam W
The stallion and the mare were going to get married, but when the time came for the stallion to appear at the church, he got cold feet and failed to show up.
The mare hoofed indignantly, "The beast! He left me at the halter...
...and is probably out there with some cheap filly, horsing around.
But if he is that fickle, I'm better off not to be saddled with him for life.
I can do without the bridle bouquet!
The runaway groom was later found in a stable condition...dear me, we need to rein in this line of jokes or we'll risk making foals of ourselves !
Oi, don't get on your high horse and nag me ! grin emoticon
And welcome to the annual plastic surgeons convention.... Nice to see a lot of new faces this year.
Just read a story in the paper about a local lady taken to hospital today after having too much phone sex. Surgeons apparently found an iPhone, one Nokia, two Samsungs, a Motorola and three different men's Siemens inside her!
I looked out my window and saw a guy in a black robe who was trying to clear the frost off his car with a scythe. So I thought I'd go and help.
"Stop," said my wife, grabbing my arm. "You're de-icing with death."
What really naff's me off, is when I see/hear people using big words and they can't even spell or pronounce them properly.
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Friendship, Confession and Sharing!!!Murphy goes to his friend Pat and says ... "I'm sleeping with the Pastor's wife. Can you hold him in church for an hour after services for me?"
Pat doesn't like it but being Murphy's long time friend, he agrees. After service, he starts talking to the Pastor, asking him all sorts of stupid questions, just to keep him occupied.
Finally the Pastor gets annoyed and asks Pat what he's really up to.
Pat, feeling guilty, finally confesses to the Pastor. "My friend is sleeping with your wife right now, so he asked me to keep you occupied".
The Pastor smiles, puts a brotherly hand on Pat's shoulder and says... "You better hurry home. My wife died two years ago".
Ponderisms for Seniors
- I don't need anger management. I need people to stop ticking me off!
- Old age is coming at a really bad time!
- When I was a child I thought Nap Time was a punishment ... Now, as a grown up, it just feels like a small vacation!
- The biggest lie I tell myself is ... "I don't need to write that down, I'll remember it."
- Lord, grant me the strength to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the friends to post my bail when I finally snap!
- I don't have gray hair. I have "wisdom highlights.” I'm very wise.
- My people skills are just fine. It's my tolerance to idiots that needs work.
- Teach your daughter how to shoot, because a restraining order is just a piece of paper.
- If God wanted me to touch my toes, He would’ve put them on my knees.
- The kids text me "plz" which is shorter than please. I text back "no" which is shorter than "yes”.
- I'm going to retire and live off of my savings. Not sure what I'll do that second week.
- When did it change from "We the people" to "screw the people"?
- Even duct tape can't fix stupid ... But it can muffle the sound!
- Why do I have to press one for English when you're just going to transfer me to someone I can't understand anyway?
- Lord, Give me patience and give it to me NOW.
- Of course I talk to myself, sometimes I need expert advice.
- Oops! Did I roll my eyes out loud?
- At my age "getting lucky" means walking into a room and remembering what I was wanting!
Very Smart PoliceTwo police officers responding to a domestic disturbance with shots fired arrive on scene. After discovering the wife had shot her husband for walking across her freshly mopped floor, they call their sergeant on his cell phone.
"It looks like we have a homicide here.”
"A woman has shot her husband for walking on the floor she had just mopped."
"Have you placed her under arrest?"
"No sir. The floor is still wet!”
The Generation GapA class assignment was to interview an 'Old Person' about their life...
The granddaughter asked her Grandma 'What was the biggest historical event that happened during your lifetime?'
Grandma said 'It must have been the Moonwalk'.
Granddaughter looked disappointed and said, 'Why was that dance was so important to you?'
A Mother's Advice To Her Son on His first DateA young man called his mother and announced excitedly that he had just met the woman of his dreams. Now what should he do?
His mother had an idea: "Why don't you send her flowers, and on the card invite her to your apartment for a home- cooked meal?"
He thought this was a great strategy, and a week later, the woman came to dinner. His mother called the next day to see how things had gone.
"I was totally humiliated," he moaned. "She insisted on washing the dishes."
"What's wrong with that?" asked his mother. "I think it's a wonderful gesture."
"But before we started eating?"