Top 10 Jokes Of The Day
Mobile User Friendly
NO Pictures - Just Jokes
Very Smart PoliceTwo police officers responding to a domestic disturbance with shots fired arrive on scene. After discovering the wife had shot her husband for walking across her freshly mopped floor, they call their sergeant on his cell phone.
"It looks like we have a homicide here.”
"A woman has shot her husband for walking on the floor she had just mopped."
"Have you placed her under arrest?"
"No sir. The floor is still wet!”
The Generation GapA class assignment was to interview an 'Old Person' about their life...
The granddaughter asked her Grandma 'What was the biggest historical event that happened during your lifetime?'
Grandma said 'It must have been the Moonwalk'.
Granddaughter looked disappointed and said, 'Why was that dance was so important to you?'
A Mother's Advice To Her Son on His first DateA young man called his mother and announced excitedly that he had just met the woman of his dreams. Now what should he do?
His mother had an idea: "Why don't you send her flowers, and on the card invite her to your apartment for a home- cooked meal?"
He thought this was a great strategy, and a week later, the woman came to dinner. His mother called the next day to see how things had gone.
"I was totally humiliated," he moaned. "She insisted on washing the dishes."
"What's wrong with that?" asked his mother. "I think it's a wonderful gesture."
"But before we started eating?"
The Logical Makes Perfect SenseAn air traffic control tower suddenly lost communication with a small twin engine aircraft. A moment later the tower land line rang and was answered by one of the employees.
The passenger riding with the pilot who lost communications was on a cellular phone and yelled "Mayday, mayday!! The pilot had an instant and fatal heart attack. I grabbed his cell phone out of his pocket and he had told me before we took off he had the tower on his speed dial memory. I am flying upside down at 18,000 feet and traveling at 180 mph. Mayday, Mayday!!!
The employee in the tower had put him on speaker phone immediately. "Calm down, we acknowledge you and we’ll guide you down after a few questions. The first thing is not to panic, remain calm!!".
He began his series of questions:
Tower : How do you know you are traveling at 18,000 feet?
Aircraft: I can see that it reads 18,000 feet on the Altimeter dial in front of me.
Tower: Okay, that’s good, remain calm. How do you know you’re traveling at 180 mph?
Aircraft: I can see that it reads 180 mph on the Airspeed dial in front of me."
Tower: Okay, this is great so far, but it’s heavily overcast, so how do you know you're flying upside down?"
Aircraft: The shit in my pants is running out of my shirt collar.
An Irishman's First Drink with his SonWhile reading an article last night about fathers and sons, memories came flooding back to the time I took me son out for his first pint.
Off we went to our local pub only two blocks from our house.
I got him a Guinness. He didn't like it, so I drank it.
Then I got him a Kilkenny's, he didn't like that either, so I drank it.
Finally, I thought he might like some Harp Lager? He didn't. So I drank it.
I thought maybe he'd like whiskey better than beer, so we tried a Jameson's, nope!
In desperation, I had him try that rare Redbreast, Ireland's finest. He wouldn't even smell it. What could I do but drink it!
By the time I realized he just didn't like to drink, I was so fookin' shit-faced I could hardly push his pram back home.
Little Johnny and PerhapsA school teacher asked her students to make a sentence containing the expression "I presume".
One little girl held up her hand and said: "Yesterday my mother hand washed the dinner dishes and I presumed that the dishwasher was broken."
"Very good" said the teacher.
Another one said: "This morning, my father drove the Volkswagen out of the garage, I presume that the BMW wouldn't start."
"That's excellent" says the teacher.
Little Johnny at the back of the classroom gets up and says: "Yesterday I saw grandpa leave the house with a newspaper under his arm and headed for the bush, I presume that......."
The teacher interrupted him and said, "I stopped you because you have no idea what your grandfather was going to do, so you can't presume anything."
Johnny says, "Please Teacher, let me finish my sentence."
The teacher says, "Very well. Continue."
"As I was saying, I saw my grandpa heading for the bush with a newspaper under his arm. I presume he was going for a crap because he can't read."
Retired Person's Perspective
- I'm not saying let's go kill all the stupid people. I'm just saying let's remove all the warning labels and let the problem work itself out.
- I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
- You can tell a lot about a woman's mood just by her hands. If they are holding a gun, she's probably unhappy.
- Gone are the days when girls cooked like their mothers. Now they drink like their fathers.
- You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like someone you've just met? That's common sense leaving your body.
- I don't like making plans for the day....because then the word "premeditated" gets thrown around in the courtroom.
- I didn't make it to the gym today. That makes 1,508 days in a row.
- I decided to change calling the bathroom "the John" and renamed it "the Jim". I feel so much better saying "I went to the Jim this morning".
- Dear paranoid people, who check behind shower curtains for murderers: If you find one, what's your plan?
- Everyone has a right to be stupid. Politicians just abuse the privilege. (just remember Einstein's comment, "There is a major difference between intelligence and stupidity; intelligence has its limits.")
Biker with a Broken ZipA couple were roaring down the road on a Honda motorcycle when the guy pulled over because his leather jacket had a broken zip. He told his girlfriend, "I can't keep driving any more, the air hitting me in the chest is unbearable."
His girlfriend said "Try putting your jacket on back to front."
The boyfriend quickly made the change and they continued roaring down the road until the next bend! The boyfriend was going far too fast, lost control and the couple were both flung into a ditch.
A passing motorist stopped, rushed over to help, then ran to call the police. The police telephone operator asked, "Are they showing any signs of life?"
"Well," the motorist explained, "the girl seems OK and her boyfriend was moving until I turned his head around the right way!"
Paddy Visits The Antiques Road ShowPaddy took 2 stuffed dogs to the Antiques Road show.
"Ooh", said the presenter. "This is a very rare set produced by the celebrated Johns Brothers - taxidermists who operated in London at the turn of the last century. Do you have any idea what they would fetch if they were in good condition?"
"Sticks".. said Paddy.
Seniors Under AttackTHIS IS HAPPENING RIGHT HERE IN OUR OWN COUNTRY!
We Must Stop This Immediately
Have you noticed that stairs are getting steeper ? Groceries are heavier.
And, everything is farther away. Yesterday I walked to the corner and I was
dumbfounded to discover how long our street had become!
And, you know, people are less considerate now, especially the young ones.
They speak in whispers all the time! If you ask them to speak up they just
keep repeating themselves, endlessly mouthing the same silent message until
they're red in the face! What do they think I am, a lip reader?
I also think they are much younger than I was at the same age. On the other
hand, people my own age are so much older than I am. I ran into an old
friend the other day and she has aged so much that she didn't even recognize
I got to thinking about the poor dear while I was combing my hair this
morning, and in doing so, I glanced at my own reflection well, REALLY NOW -
even mirrors are not made the way they used to be!
Another thing, everyone drives so fast these days! You're risking life and
limb if you happen to pull onto the freeway in front of them. All I can say
is, their brakes must wear out awfully fast, the way I see them screech and
swerve in my rear view mirror.
Clothing manufacturers are less civilized these days. Why else would they
suddenly start labeling a size 32 waist pant as 40? Do they think no one
notices? The people who make bathroom scales are pulling the same prank. Do
they think I actually 'believe' the number I see on that dial? HA! I would
never let myself weigh that much! Just who do these people think they're
I'd like to call up someone in authority to report what's going on -- but
the telephone company is in on the conspiracy too: they've printed the phone
books in suchsmall type that no one could ever find a number in there!
All I can do is pass along this warning: WE ARE UNDER ATTACK!
Unless something drastic happens, pretty soon everyone will have to suffer
these awful indignities.
PLEASE PASS THIS ON TO EVERYONE YOU KNOW AS SOON AS POSSIBLE SO WE CAN GET
THIS CONSPIRACY STOPPED!
PS: I am sending this to you in a larger font size, because something has
happened to my computer's fonts - they are smaller than they once were.