French Accent Bloomer - Not A Penis

When Charles deGaulle decided to retire from public life, the British ambassador and his wife threw a gala dinner party in his honor.

At the dinner table the Ambassador's wife was talking with Madame deGaulle.

"Your husband has been such a prominent public figure, such a presence on the French and International scene for so many years! How quiet retirement will seem in comparison. What are you most looking forward to in these retirement years"?

"A penis", replied Madame deGaulle.

A huge hush fell over the table. Everyone heard her answer... and no one knew what to say next.

Le Grand Charles leaned over to his wife and said, "Ma Cherie, I believe ze English pronounce zat word, 'appiness'"!

Holiday Brochure Translation

Brochure circulated by a 5-Star Chinese Hotel

Getting There:
Our representative will make you wait at the airport. The bus to the hotel runs along the lake shore. Soon you will feel pleasure in passing water. You will know that you are getting near the hotel, because you will go round the bend. The manager will await you in the entrance hall. He always tries to have intercourse with all new guests.


The hotel:
This is a family hotel, so children are very welcome. We of course are always pleased to accept adultery. Highly skilled nurses are available in the evenings to put down your children. Guests are invited to conjugate in the bar and expose themselves to others. But please note that ladies are not allowed to have babies in the bar. We organize social games, so no guest is ever left alone to play with them self.


The Restaurant:
Our menus have been carefully chosen to be ordinary and unexciting. At dinner, our quartet will circulate from table to table, and fiddle with you.


Your Room:
Every room has excellent facilities for your private parts. In winter, every room is on heat. Each room has a balcony offering views of outstanding obscenity. You will not be disturbed by traffic noise, since the road between the hotel and the lake is used only by pederasts.


Bed
Your bed has been made in accordance with local tradition. If you have any other ideas please ring for the chambermaid. Please take advantage of her. She will be very pleased to squash your shirts, blouses and underwear. If asked, she will also squeeze your trousers.


Above all:
When you leave us at the end of your holiday, you will have no hope. You will struggle to forget it."


Contributor: Howard

Little Johnny gets his own TV

Little Johnny asks his dad for a telly in his room.

His dad reluctantly agrees.

Next day Little Johnny comes downstairs and asks, "Dad, what's love juice"

Dad looks horrified and tells Little Johnny all about sex and the birds and the bees.

Little Johnny just sat there with his mouth open in amazement.

Dad says, "So what were you watching"?

Little Johnny replies, "Tennis"

Jew Spotted Reading Arab Newspaper

A story is told of a Jewish man who was riding on the subway reading an Arab newspaper.

A friend of his, who happened to be riding in the same subway car, noticed this strange phenomenon. Very upset, he approached the newspaper reader.

"Moshe, have you lost your mind? Why are you reading an Arab newspaper"?

Moshe replied, "I used to read the Jewish newspaper, but what did I find? Jews being persecuted, Israel being attacked, Jews disappearing through assimilation and intermarriage, Jews living in poverty.

So I switched to the Arab newspaper...

now what do I find? Jews own all the banks, Jews control the media, Jews are all rich and powerful, Jews rule the world. The news is so much better"!

The Biology Test

A college student studied intensely for his Biology final exam.

Day and night he crammed for this test. He covered everything from microorganisms to the anatomy of a worm.

Test day arrived and he was more than ready to ace the test.

He was shocked when he walked into the classroom for the test.

There were lab' tables all over the room. On each table was a paper bag with a pair of bird legs and feet sticking out of the end of the bag.

The professor instructed the class of 200 students that their entire test was to identify what bird was in the bag by looking at the bird's legs and feet.

The college student who had studied so conscientiously was livid.

He shouted, "I'm not doing this stupid test. I'm leaving".

The professor stopped him. "Young man, what is your name"?

The student pulled up his pant legs and said, "You tell me......."

Picky Lady Shopping at Tesco for Fresh Fruit

A picky lady customer at Tesco's fruit department watches as a new delivery of fresh fruit is delivered. "Give me two kilo of oranges and wrap every orange in a separate piece of paper, please", the picky lady says to the saleslady.

Silently the sales lady serves the picky customer.

"And three kilo of apples, please, and wrap each and every one in a separate piece of paper, too".

Gritting her teeth, the saleslady once again obliges the picky customer.

"And what is that over there", the picky customer says as she points to a basket in the corner.

"Grapes", says the saleslady with a big grin on her face, "but they are not for sale"!

Angry Mum goes shopping

My mom and dad were arguing yet again the other day but this time mum decided to get even by going shopping...

When mom returned home she said to dad that she had just purchased ten new dresses.

"Ten", he screamed. "TEN"???!!!!

"Ten", is all she said, standing right up to him.

"What could any woman want with ten new dresses"???!!!!

My mom turned to my dad, calmly looked him right in the eye and said...

"Ten new pairs of shoes and ten handbags".

William Penn's Two Aunts

The famous American statesman, William Penn had two old aunts, named Natalie and Ellie, who were well known for baking great pies.

But, alas they got greedy and raised the prices, up and up, until...

Soon all the people in Quakertown were complaining about "the pie rates of Penn's anunts".


Yet another groaner :(

Poems by Wife and Husband

WIFE:
I wrote your name on sand it got washed.
I wrote your name in air, it was blown away.
Then I wrote your name on my heart & I got Heart Attack.

HUSBAND:
God saw me hungry, he created pizza.
He saw me thirsty, he created Pepsi.
He saw me in the dark, he created light.
He saw me without problems, he created YOU.

WIFE:
Twinkle twinkle little star
You should know what you are
And once you know what you are
Mental hospital is not so far

HUSBAND:
The rain makes all things beautiful.
The grass and flowers too.
If rain makes all things beautiful
Why doesn't it rain on you?

WIFE:
Roses are red; Violets are blue
Monkeys like u should be kept in a zoo.
Don't feel so angry you will find me there too
Not in cage but outside, laughing at you

AND THE ADVENTURE CONTINUES........

Position of a Husband Is just like a Split AC
No matter however Loud he is in the Outdoor
He is designed to remain Silent indoor...

.....................................................................

"Husband is one who is the head of the family,
but his wife is the neck, and whichever way she turns, he goes."

........................................................................

A man in Hell asked Devil:
Can I make a call to my Wife?
After making call he asked how much to pay.
Devil : Nothing, Hell to Hell is Free.

................................................................

Husband: Do you know the meaning of WIFE?
It means, Without Information, Fighting Everytime!
Wife: No darling, it means - With Idiot For Ever

...........................................................................

Wife: I wish I was a newspaper,
So I'd be in your hands all day.

Husband: I too wish that you were a newspaper,
So I could have a new one every day.

.................................................................
*
Doctor: Your husband needs rest and peace. Here are some sleeping Pills.
Wife: When must I give them to him?
Doctor: They are for you

...................................................................

Wife: I had to marry you to find out how stupid you are..
Husband: You should have known it the minute I asked you to marry me.

....................................................................

Wife: What will you give me if I climb the great Mount Everest ?
Husband: A lovely Push... and life goes on........


Every Wife is a "Mistress" for her Husband.
"Miss" for one hour & "Stress" for the rest 23 hours!


My Husband And I Divorced Over Religious Differences.
He Thought He Was God, and I Didn't.


Husband Throwing Darts at His Wife's Photo and Not Even a Single One Hitting the Target... From Another Room Wife Called The Husband: Honey What Are You Doing...
Husband: "MISSING YOU"...


THOUGHT FOR THE DAY...
Women are like phones:
They like to be held, talked to and touched often.
But push the wrong button and you're disconnected.......

Difference Between Complete & Finish...
People say there is no difference between COMPLETE & FINISH.
But there is... When you marry the right one, you are COMPLETE....
And when you marry the wrong one, you are FINISHED.....
And when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are ... COMPLETELY FINISHED!

Last but not least...

A wife, being the romantic sort sent her husband a text:

If you are sleeping, send me your dreams.
If you are laughing, send me your smile.
If you are eating, send me a bite.
If you are drinking, send me a sip.
If you are crying, send me your tears.
I love you!

The husband, typically non-romantic, replied;
"I am sitting on the toilet. Please advise".

Murphy the Roofer

Murphy the Roofer was working when suddenly he started shaking and feeling dizzy.

He calls down to Paddy the Hod-Carrier and says "I think I must go home, I've just come over all giddy and feel sick".

Paddy shouts up to Murphy on the roof "Have you got vertigo"?

Murphy replies, "No I only live round the corner".

Crap Joke Central - Update 2013-04-21

Where do German farmers keep their tractors?
Auto barn

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A hunter walking through the jungle was surprised to find a pigmy standing beside a very large dead lion. Amazed, he asked,'Did you kill that'?

The pigmy answered,'Yes'.

The hunter then asked,'How could a little bloke like you kill a huge beast like that'?

Said the pigmy,'I killed it with my club'.

The astonished hunter asked,'How big is your club'?

The pigmy replied,'There's about 100 of us'.

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Did you hear about the Italian chef that died? He pasta way

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China has the worlds largest population. It is not because their men are extra horny, or be ause their women are extra sexy...

they have the largest population because their condoms are made in China.

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Paddy O'Murphy's wife gave birth to twins and he demanded to know who the other man was...

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South Africa Rhinos Under Threat From Poaching - try frying them instead :0)

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Sad news today, a man has died at a chocolate factory after hundreds of boxes fell on him.
He tried in vain to save himself but when he shouted "the Milky Bars are on me", everyone just cheered :)

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Lost Camper Finds Way

A husband took his wife camping for the first time. Considering himself an experienced outdoors man, he passed along outdoor survival tips at every chance he got. However, one day they got lost hiking in the deep woods. The husband tried the usual tactics to determine direction — moss on the trees (there was none), direction of the sun (it was an overcast day), etc., etc.

Just as his wife was beginning to panic, he spotted a small cabin off in the distance. He pulled out his binoculars, studied the cabin, turned and led them right back to the campsite.

"That was terrific", she said. "How did you do it"?

"Simple", he replied. "In this part of the country all the TV satellite dishes point south".