Saturday 24th August 2019 - 03:10:53 

Previously On Johns-Jokes

NO Pictures - Just Jokes
Mobile User Friendly


A Married Man Went off for the Weekend with the Boys

A married man left work early one Friday, but instead of going home, he spent the weekend partying with the boys.

When he finally returned home on Sunday night, his wife really got on his case and stayed on it.

After 30 minutes of swearing and screaming, his wife paused and pointed at him and made him an offer.

“How would you like it if you didn’t see me for a couple of days..."?

The husband couldn’t believe his luck, he looked up, smiled and said, “That would suit me just fine”!!

Monday went by, and the man didn’t see his wife.

Tuesday and Wednesday went by and he still didn’t see her.

Come Thursday, the swelling went down a bit and he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.


Contribution from: Irvine at HAH.prostatepointers.org


Share with friends?

Funny Pictures


Get Up on the Wrong Side of the Bed



A young priest gets up in the morning and goes to breakfast. On his way there two nuns look at him and he says, "Good morning sisters". They reply in a sing song manner, "You got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning".

This stuns the priest who thought he had been very polite but he just goes on. He encounters a Brother a little while later along the way and he says, "Good morning Brother".

The Brother replies in a sing song voice, "You got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning".

The priest was very confused at this and goes on. He gets a little farther and he comes across a fellow priest and he says, "Good morning Father".

The priest replies in a sing song manner, "You got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning".

Now the priest was mad. He continues his walk to the dinning hall not saying a word to anyone. The Bishop sees him and says, "Father ..."

The young priest was not going to take any more even from the bishop. He looks at the bishop and says, "No I did not get up on the wrong side of the bed this morning".

The bishop looks at him stunned and says, "What"?

The priest realized his mistake and said, "I am sorry your holiness, what is it you want".

The bishop looks at him and says, "All I was going to do was ask you why you had on Sister Ann's shoes"?




Share with friends?

Funny Pictures


I Love My Dentist So Much That...

Marsha completed four weeks of dental restoration with Dr. Morris Cohen the dentist. She confided to her best friend that she had fallen in love with her dentist ...and she was going to propose to him.

Her friend said, " Marsha you're 34 years old, you're beautiful, you have dozens of men who adore you. Why this dentist?"

"Because he is the First man that ever said to me.... SPIT, don't SWALLOW."


Share with friends?

Funny Pictures


Relationships


On a chain of beautiful deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following people are stranded.

. Two Italian men and one Italian woman
. Two French men and one French woman
. Two German men and one German woman
. Two Greek men and one Greek woman
. Two English men and one English woman
. Two Bulgarian men and one Bulgarian woman
. Two Japanese men and one Japanese woman
. Two Chinese men and one Chinese woman
. Two Irish men and one Irish woman
. Two American men and one American woman

One month later, the following things have occurred:


One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.


The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in Ménage à Trois .


The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating visits with the German woman.


The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.


The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman.


The two Bulgarian men took one look at the Bulgarian woman and started swimming to another island.


The two Japanese have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions.


The two Chinese men have set up a pharmacy-liquor- store-restaurant-laundry, and have gotten the woman pregnant in order to supply employees for their store.


The two Irish men divided the island into North and South and set up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets somewhat foggy after a few liters of coconut whiskey. However, they are satisfied because the English are not having any fun.


The two American men are contemplating suicide, because the American woman will not shut up and complains relentlessly about:

o Her body

o The true nature of feminism

o What the sun is doing to her skin

o How she can do anything that they can do

o The necessity of fulfillment

o The equal division of household chores

o How sand and palm trees make her look fat

o How her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her nicer than they do

o How her relationship with her mother is the root cause of all her problems

o Why didn't they bring a damn cell phone so they could call 911 and get them all rescued off this lord-forsaken deserted island in the middle of nowhere so she can get her nails done and go shopping.


Share with friends?

Funny Pictures


H2o: Dangerous Chemical!


A student at Eagle Rock Junior High won first prize at the Greater Idaho Falls Science Fair, April 26. He was attempting to show how conditioned we have become to alarmists practicing junk science and spreading fear of everything in our environment. In his project he urged people to sign a petition demanding strict control or total elimination of the chemical "dihydrogen monoxide."

And for plenty of good reasons, since:

it can cause excessive sweating and vomiting

it is a major component in acid rain

it can cause severe burns in its gaseous state

accidental inhalation can kill you

it contributes to erosion

it decreases effectiveness of automobile brakes

it has been found in tumors of terminal cancer patients


He asked 50 people if they supported a ban of the chemical.

Forty-three (43) said yes,

six (6) were undecided,

and only one (1) knew that the chemical was water.


The title of his prize winning project was, "How Gullible Are We?"

He feels the conclusion is obvious.



Share with friends?

Funny Pictures


Hospital Jokes

A woman telephoned St Mary’s Hospital and asked to speak to Ward E2 as she was enquiring as to the progress of one of the patient’s in that ward. She explained that she wanted to know if the patient was getting better, doing as expected or getting worse.

A staff nurse answered the phone, "Hallo, Ward E2. What is the name of the patient and his room number?"
"He is in bed 1, room 10, "came the reply, "And his name is Albert Brown."

"Could you hold the line for a moment, "the nurse asked, "While I check his records. Ah, yes, Mr Brown is doing well: blood pressure OK, blood test results appear normal, he’s going to be taken off the heart monitor and if he continues to improve then Doctor Svoboda is going to send him home tomorrow at midday."

"Oh, that’s super, amazing, I’m so pleased to hear the news; it really is fantastic, thank you so much."

"You sound so glad,"replied the nurse, "You are so and enthusiastic you must be a close friend or a relative of Mr Brown."

The man answered, "Not exactly, I’m Albert Brown in Ward E2, room 10, bed 1. Nobody in here ever tells me anything."


=================================================================
And another medical joke

While working as a radiology technician in a hospital emergency room, I took some X-rays of a trauma patient and took the results to the senior radiologist, who studied the multiple fractures of the femurs and pelvis.

'What on earth happened to this patient?' he asked in astonishment.

'He fell out of a tree,' according to the report.

The radiologist wanted to know what the patient was doing up a tree.

'I'm not sure, but his paperwork states he works for Mark's Expert Tree Pruning Service.'

Gazing intently at the X-rays, the radiologist blinked and said, 'Cross out 'expert.'




Share with friends?

Funny Pictures


Staying out Late...

Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, “You know, I don’t know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we’ve been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!”

His buddy looks at him and says, “Well, you’re obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, slap her on the butt and say, ‘You as horny as I am?’ . . . and, she always acts like she’s sound asleep!”


Share with friends?

Funny Pictures


Yorkshire Humour


Yorkshire man takes his cat to the vet.

Yorkshireman: "Ayup, lad, I need to talk to thee abaht me cat."

Vet: "Is it a tom ?"

Yorkshireman: "Nay, tha daft bugger, ah've browt it wi' us."


****************** // ****************** // ******************


A Yorkshireman's dog dies and as it was a favourite pet he decides to have a gold statue made by a jeweller to remember the dog by.

Yorkshireman: "Can tha mek us a gold statue of yon dog?"

Jeweller: "Aye, does tha want it 18 carat?"

Yorkshireman: "Nay, I want it chewin' a bone, yer daft bugger!"


****************** // ****************** // ******************

A Yorkshireman's wife dies and he decides that her headstone should have the words "She were Thine" engraved on it.

He calls the stone mason, who assures him that the headstone will be ready a few days after the funeral.

True to his word the stone mason calls the widower to say that the headstone is ready and would he like to come and have a look.

When the widower gets there he takes one look at the stone to see that it's been engraved "She were Thin".

He explodes - "Sodding eck man, tha's left t' flamin' "e" out!

The stone mason apologizes and assures the poor widower that it will be rectified the following morning.

Next day comes and the widower returns to the stone mason - "There you go sir, I've put the "e" on the stone for you".

The widower looks at the stone and then reads out aloud - "E, She were Thin".


****************** // ****************** // ******************


Bloke from Barnsley with a sore backside asks chemist "Nah then lad, does tha sell arse cream?"

Chemist replies "Aye, does tha want Magnum or Cornetto?"



Share with friends?

Funny Pictures


Five Jumps a Week

Yesterday my wife asked why I didn't do something useful with my time. She suggested I go down to the senior center and hang out with the guys. I did this and when I got home last night I told her that I had joined a parachute club.

She said, "Are you nuts? You're 79 years old and you're going to start jumping out of aeroplanes again.?

I proudly showed her that I even got a membership card. She said to me, "You idiot, where are your glasses! This is a membership to a Prostitute Club; not a Parachute Club!"

I'm in trouble again and don't know what to do! I signed up for five jumps a week!

Life as a senior citizen is not getting any easier.


Share with friends?

Funny Pictures


Blonde Phonecall

"Hi Mom, How are you?"

"Hi Sally, where are you? I thought you were with your father at the Ace Hardware"

"Yeah we were, but I got arrested, and they've let me make one phone call"

"What happened?"

"Oh, I punched this African-American woman in the head."

"What on earth ~ why did you do that ?????"

"Well it wasn't my fault. Dad told me to find a Black & Decker .."


Share with friends?

Funny Pictures



Old Jokes   154    155    156    157  158  159    160    161    162   Latest


Build your own satellite and have it launched into Space.

AmbaSat-1 is a tiny Space satellite kit that you launch yourself
¯\_(ツ)_/¯




The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

We try to bust a gut with our funny, Yo Mama, Redneck, lawyer, animal, relationship and crap jokes.

You only live once!   So make sure you spend 15 hours on the internet everyday, seeking validation from strangers.

Fuelled by: CodeIgniter - ver: 3.1.9  Debug: 3.227.233.6 / 832,888Mb / 03:10:53 / 200 / No Errors