Saturday 24th August 2019 - 02:53:35 

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The Clothing Salesman Finally Sold...

When the store manager returned from lunch, he noticed his clerk's hand was bandaged, but before he could ask about the bandage, the clerk said he had some very good news for him.

"Guess what, sir" the clerk said. "I finally sold that terrible, ugly suit we've had so long"!

"Do you mean that repulsive pink-and-blue double-breasted thing" the manager asked?

"That's the one"!

"That's great"! the manager cried, "I thought we'd never get rid of that monstrosity! That had to be the ugliest suit we've ever had! But tell me. Why is your hand bandaged"?

"Oh", the clerk replied, "after I sold the guy that suit, his guide dog bit me".


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A Fairy Was asked to Grant a Wish But...


I met a fairy today that would grant me but one wish.

"I want to live forever," I said.

"Sorry" said the fairy, "I'm not allowed to grant wishes like that!"

"Fine," I said,

"I want to die after the Democrats get their heads out of their asses!"

"You're a crafty bastard," said the fairy.


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An Irishman and his Leprechaun



An Irishman walks into a bar and asks for two beers.

He then pulls a small green-skinned man out of his pocket and puts him on the counter.

As he's drinking one drink and the green man is drinking the other, an Englishman down the bar who has had a few too many drinks says, "Hey Paddy!, what's that little green thing you've got down there?"

The little green man runs down the bar and gives the Englishman a raspberry, "SPLBLBLBLT!," right in the face and then runs back to the Irishman.

The Englishman mops himself off and says to the Irishman, "Hey Paddy!, what is that thing, anyway?"

The Irishman replies, "Have some respect. He's a leprechaun."

"A leprechaun!" says the Englishman laughing, "Boy, I never knew leprechauns were so ugly!"

The leprechaun runs down the bar and gives the Englishman a raspberry again- SPLBLBLBLBT!

This time the Englishman is really mad!

"Tell that leprechaun that if he does that again I'll cut his pecker off!" he shouts.

"You can't do that" says the Irishman. "Leprechauns don't have peckers."

"How do they pee, then?" asks the Englishman.

"They don't," says the Irishman. "They go SPLBLBLBLBT!"




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What The....


This country boy is passing by his neighbour's hay shed one day when through a gap in the door he sees his pal doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old red Massey Ferguson.


Buttocks clenched, he performs a slow pirouette and gently slides off first the right Wellington boot, followed by the left.


He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move lets his braces fall down from his shoulders to dangle by his hips over his corduroy trousers.


Grabbing both sides of his checked shirt, he rips it apart to reveal his tea stained vest underneath and with a final flourish he hurls his flat cap onto a pile of hay.


"What the heck are you doing" asks the country boy?


"Geez, you gave me a fright there ", says his obviously embarrassed pal, "but me and the missus been having some trouble lately in the bedroom department, and the therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor".



Boom! Boom!



Contribution from: Terry at HAH


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The Essex Girl and her Newborn Baby

The Essex girl went to the clinic with her newborn for the first time. A rather posh looking lady sat by her side. After a while the lady introduced herself, telling the girl that this was her third child and she was to be called Samantha, Amanda, Fawcett.

The girl smiled politely and said, "That's nice innit".

The woman carried on, "For my first child my husband gave me a diamond necklace as a gift for being so clever".

To which the girl replied, "That's nice innit".

"And for my second child, he gave me a fur coat".

The girl nodded politely, "That's very nice, innit".

The posh lady was well into her stride now. "For this child he's taking me on a cruise".

The Essex girl smiled again, "That's nice innit".

The posh lady said, "And has your husband given YOU something for the birth"?

"Oh yes", the girl said, "He bought me some elocution lessons".

"Oh, and have you learned anything from them"?

"Certainly", the Essex girl said. "I've learned to say 'That's nce innit', instead of f**k off".



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Old Spot Just Died

A group of country friends wanted to get together on a regular basis to socialize, and play games. The lady of the house was to prepare the meal.

When it came time for Al and Janet to be the hosts, Janet wanted to outdo all the others. Janet decided to have mushroom-smothered steak, but, mushrooms are expensive.

She then told her husband,'No mushrooms. They are too high'.

He said, 'Why don't you go down in the pasture and pick some of those mushrooms? There are plenty in the creek bed'.

She said, 'No, some wild mushrooms are poison'.

He said, 'Well, I see varmints eating them and they're OK'.

So, Janet decided to give it a try. She picked a bunch, washed, sliced, and diced them for her smothered steak.

Then she went out on the back porch and gave Old Spot(the yard dog) a double hand full.

Old Spot ate every bite. All morning long, Janet watched Old Spot and the wild mushrooms didn't seem to affect him, so she decided to use them.

The meal was a great success, and Janet even hired a helper lady from town to help her serve. She had on a white apron and a fancy little cap on her head.

After everyone had finished, they relaxed and socialized.

About then, the helper lady from town, came in and whispered in Janet's ear, 'Mrs. Williams, Old Spot just died'.

Janet went into hysterics. After she finally calmed down, she called the doctor and told him what had happened.

The doctor said, 'That's bad, but I think we can take care of it. I will call for an ambulance and I will be there as quick as possible. We'll give everyone enemas and we will pump out everyone's stomach. Everything will be fine. Just keep them calm'.

Soon they could hear the siren as the ambulance was coming down the road. The EMTs and the doctor had their suitcases, syringes, and a stomach pump.

One by one, they took each person into the bathroom, gave them an enema, and pumped out their stomach. After the last one was finished, the doctor came out and said, 'I think everything will be fine now'.

Then he left. They were all looking pretty weak sitting around the living room,and about this time, the helper lady came in and said, 'You know, that fellow that ran over Old Spot never even stopped'.




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Do You Know the Blink Method of Pricing?


A jewish boy begged his Papa to let him start working in his father's Optical shop to learn the business of making and selling eyeglasses.

As Papa finished showing the boy all the styles in inventory, the boy asked, "Papa, when a customer asks me how much for the glasses, what do I tell them"?

His Papa explained, "Son, you simply use the BLINK method for determining price".

The boy asked, "What is the BLINK method Papa"?

His father answered, "Well, son, when the customer asks you how much for the glasses, you say $60". If he doesn't blink, say 'That's for the frames... the lenses will be another $60'. And if he still doesn't blink, say 'EACH'".


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Formality to ask for Daughter’s Hand

A father was entertaining a boy his daughter had brought home from college.

"I realize it's only a formality," the young man said, "but I want to ask for your daughter's hand." "

"And where did you get the idea that this is just a formality?" the father asked.

The boyfriend replied, "From our Lamaze instructor."


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Would You Pass this West Texas Sherriff Test?


A young Texan grew up wanting to be a law man. He grew up big, 6' 2'', and strong as a longhorn and fast as a mustang. He could shoot a bottle cap tossed in the air at 40 paces. When he finally became of age he applied to where he had only dreamed of working: the West Texas Sherriff's Department.

After a big mess of tests and interviews the Chief Deputy finally called him into his office for the young man's last interview. The Chief Deputy says, "You're a big strong kid and you can really shoot. So far your qualifications all look good.

But we have what you call an 'attitude suitability test' that you must take before you can be accepted. We just don't let anyone carry our badge son".

Then, sliding a service pistol and a box of ammo across the desk, the Chief says, "Take this pistol and go out and shoot six illegal aliens, six ACLU lawyers, six meth dealers, six Muslim extremists, and a rabbit".

"Why the rabbit"?

"Great attitude", says the Chief Deputy. "When can you start"?


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Why We Love the Brits

1) Commenting on a complaint from a Mr. Arthur Purdey about a large gas bill, a spokesman for North West Gas said, "We agree it was rather high for the time of year. It's possible Mr. Purdey has been charged for the gas used up during the explosion that destroyed his house."
(The Daily Telegraph)



2) Police reveal that a woman arrested for shoplifting had a whole salami in her underwear. When asked why, she said it was because she was missing her Italian boyfriend.
(The Manchester Evening News)



3) Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van, because they cannot issue a description. It's a Special Branch vehicle and they don't want the public to know what it looks like.
(The Guardian)



4) A young girl who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth was rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coast guard spokesman commented, "This sort of thing is all too common".
(The Times)



5) At the height of the gale, the harbourmaster radioed a coastguard and asked him to estimate the wind speed. He replied he was sorry, but he didn't have a gauge. However, if it was any help, the wind had just blown his Land Rover off the cliff.
(Aberdeen Evening Express)



6) Mrs. Irene Graham of Thorpe Avenue, Boscombe, delighted the audience with her reminiscence of the German prisoner of war who was sent each week to do her garden. He was repatriated at the end of 1945, she recalled. "He'd always seemed a nice friendly chap, but when the crocuses came up in the middle of our lawn in February 1946, they spelt out 'Heil Hitler.'"
(Bournemouth Evening Echo)




A list of actual announcements that London Tube train drivers have made to their passengers...

1) "Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologise for the delay to your service. I know you're all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to be married to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cross over to the Westbound and go in the opposite direction."



2) "Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering from E & B syndrome: not knowing his elbow from his backside. I'll let you know any further information as soon as I'm given any."



3) "Do you want the good news first or the bad news? The good news is that last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a great time. The bad news is that there is a points failure somewhere between Stratford and East Ham, which means we probably won't reach our destination."



4) "Ladies and gentlemen, we apologise for the delay, but there is a security alert at Victoria station and we are therefore stuck here for the foreseeable future, so let's take our minds off it and pass some time together. All together now.... 'Ten green bottles, hanging on a wall.....'."


5) "We are now travelling through Baker Street... As you can see, Baker Street is closed. It would have been nice if they had actually told me, so I could tell you earlier, but no, they don't think about things like that".



6) "Beggars are operating on this train. Please do NOT encourage these professional beggars. If you have any spare change, please give it to a registered charity. Failing that, give it to me."



7) During an extremely hot rush hour on the Central Line, the driver announced in a West Indian drawl: "Step right this way for the sauna, ladies and gentleman... unfortunately, towels are not provided."



8) "Let the passengers off the train FIRST!" (Pause.) "Oh go on then, stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I care - I'm going home...."



9) "Please allow the doors to close. Try not to confuse this with 'Please hold the doors open.' The two are distinct and separate instructions."



10) "Please note that the beeping noise coming from the doors means that the doors are about to close. It does not mean throw yourself or your bags into the doors."



11) "We can't move off because some idiot has their hand stuck in the door."



12) "To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the second carriage - what part of 'stand clear of the doors' don't you understand?"



13) "Please move all baggage away from the doors." (Pause..) "Please move ALL belongings away from the doors." (Pause...) "This is a personal message to the man in the brown suit wearing glasses at the rear of the train: Put the pie down, Four-eyes, and move your bl**dy golf clubs away from the door before I come down there and shove them up your a**e sideways!"



14) "May I remind all passengers that there is strictly no smoking allowed on any part of the Underground. However, if you are smoking a joint, it's only fair that you pass it round the rest of the carriage."


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Build your own satellite and have it launched into Space.

AmbaSat-1 is a tiny Space satellite kit that you launch yourself
¯\_(ツ)_/¯




The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

We try to bust a gut with our funny, Yo Mama, Redneck, lawyer, animal, relationship and crap jokes.

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