Wednesday 26th June 2019 - 15:51:55 

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Funny Nicknames from Scotland


Some nicknames that have been given to some characters from Glasgow, Scotland by their workmates and friends:

*Two Soups*
- his real name is Campbell Baxter.

*Norrie Two Bonnets*
- the Glasgow taxi-driver who wears a wig under his cloth cap.

*The Colostomy*
- the girlfriend of a married man (i.e. the wee bag on the side).

*The Boomerang Kid*
- whenever anyone at work asks a question, he always replies: 'I'll get back to you on that. '

*The Parachute*
- lets everyone down at the last minute.

*Vaseline*
- his real name is Willie Burns.

*Rembrandt*
- loves saying to colleagues: 'Let me put you in the picture...'

*Bo Derek*
- a chap called Derek with terrible body odour.

*The Genie*
- magically appears whenever anyone opens a bottle.

*Dulux*
- his pals reckon he's only got one coat.

*Soapy*
- washes his hands of any problems that crop up..

*The Yeti*
- always on the sick. Many unconfirmed sightings of this guy, but nobody can prove he actually exists.

*The Gas Man*
- he's serviced loads of old boilers.

*The Hostage*
- when anyone asks for help he always replies: 'Sorry, my hands are tied.'

*The Olympic Flame*
- He never goes out.

And finally:


There was a stevedore at Ramsgate harbour whose mates called him "The Ailing Crab" -- He was always taking time off because one of his nippers was poorly.



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Latest Explanation of Sex and Love

A blonde and her redhead friend were talking about sex...

Blonde
Tell me, what is sex ?
Redhead:
Sex is when you dress up go to a bar flirt with a guy he buys you drinks. You go to bed and he leaves some money on your table.


Blonde:
And what is good sex ?
Redhead:
Good sex is when you dress up go to a bar flirt with a guy he buys you drinks you go to bed and he leaves lots of money on your table.


Blonde:
Blonde:
And what is love ?
Redhead:
Love - That's an ethnic minority invention to avoid leaving money on the table.






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A glass of water for Little Johnny



The father was baby sitting while his wife went to a PTA meeting.

Later in the evening the father settled down to watch TV.

But little Johnny repeatedly kept coming down stairs and asking for a glass of water.

After the fifth glass,the dad lost his patience and yelled, "I'm trying to watch the TV. Now go back to bed".

“But Dad”, the little Johnny whined, "my room is still on fire"!


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An Old Golfer's Problem



An Octogenarian moved to a new town and joined the local Country Club. He went to the Club for the first time to play but was told everyone scheduled to play was already out on the course. He was so disappointed, the Assistant Pro said he would play with him and would give him a 12 stroke handicap.

The 80 year old said, "I really don't need a handicap. The only real problem I have is getting out of sand traps".

They both played well. Coming into the par three 18th they were even. The pro had a nice drive to mid-fairway and would be able to get on the green with the next stroke and then putt for a par with the following play.

The old man hit a long drive, and the ball landed in one of the two sand traps around the hole. Shooting from the sand trap on his second stroke, he hit a high ball which landed on the green and rolled right into the hole!

The Assistant Pro was stunned. "Nice shot, but I thought you said you have a problem getting out of sand traps".

"I do,” replied the octogenarian. “Give me a hand".


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Ultimate Birthday Present for the Wife

A few days before his wife's birthday

Husband: Dear, what would you like for your present?

Wife: I really don't think I should say.

Husband: How about a diamond ring?

Wife: I don't care much for diamonds.

Husband: Well then, how about a mink coat?

Wife: You know I do not like furs.

Husband: A gold or pearl necklace?

Wife: I already have three of them.

Husband: Well, gosh, what do you want?

Wife: What I'd really like is a divorce

Husband: Hmmm, I wasn't planning on spending that much...




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Hit and Run but Recognized


Traffic Cop: "Did you get the license number of the car that knocked you down"?

Pedestrian: "No, but I know who it was. My mother-in-law"!

Traffic Cop: "How can you be so certain"?

Pedestrian: "I'd recognize that laugh anywhere"!


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Little Johnny and his animal biscuits

Little Johnny returned from the grocery store with his mom. While his mom put away the groceries, little Johnny opened his box of animal biscuits and spread them all over the kitchen table.

"What are you doing" asked his mom?

"The box says you shouldn't eat them if the seal is broken", said the little Johnny. "I'm looking for the broken seal".


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A Sadist meets a Masochist


A sadist was walking down the street one day when he accidentally ran into a fellow who had just stepped out of a grocery store knocking him to the ground. The sadist was apologizing profusely while he helped the unfortunate shopper to his feet and aided him in gathering his groceries, now strewn all over the sidewalk.

The shopper began telling the sadist that his scrapes and bruises were no problem since he was a masochist and enjoyed pain.

Upon learning this news, the sadist asked the masochist if he would like to accompany him home for some fun and games. I'm a sadist you see.

The masochists' eyes lit up and he quickly agreed.

After reaching the home of the sadist the masochist was practically beside himself with anticipation. He nearly swooned as the sadist shackled him in a corner and walked to the opposite wall where a cat of nine tails was hanging and took it from its perch.

The masochist was now trembling with anticipation and asked; "Are you going to beat me with that?"



The sadist, with a gleam in his eye, answered; "NO"


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Can you remember these signs?


BRINGS BACK MEMORIES:






For those who never saw any of the Burma Shave signs,
here is a quick lesson in our history of the 1930's, '40's and '50's.

Before there were interstates, when everyone drove the old 2 lane roads,
Burma Shave signs would be posted all over the countryside in farmers'
fields. They were small red signs with white letters. Five signs, about 100
feet apart, each containing 1 line of a 4 line couplet......and the
obligatory 5th sign advertising Burma Shave, a popular shaving cream .
Here are more of the actual signs:

DON'T STICK YOUR ELBOW
OUT SO FAR
IT MAY GO HOME
IN ANOTHER CAR.
BURMA SHAVE

TRAINS DON'T WANDER
ALL OVER THE MAP
'CAUSE NOBODY SITS
IN THE ENGINEER'S LAP
Burma Shave

SHE KISSED THE HAIRBRUSH
BY MISTAKE
SHE THOUGHT IT WAS
HER HUSBAND JAKE
Burma Shave

DON'T LOSE YOUR HEAD
TO GAIN A MINUTE
YOU NEED YOUR HEAD
YOUR BRAINS ARE IN IT
Burma Shave

DROVE TOO LONG
DRIVER SNOOZING
WHAT HAPPENED NEXT
IS NOT AMUSING
Burma Shave

BROTHER SPEEDER
LET'S REHEARSE
ALL TOGETHER
GOOD MORNING, NURSE
Burma Shave

CAUTIOUS RIDER
TO HER RECKLESS DEAR
LET'S HAVE LESS BULL
AND A LITTLE MORE STEER
Burma Shave

SPEED WAS HIGH
WEATHER WAS HOT
TIRES WERE THIN
X MARKS THE SPOT
Burma Shave

THE MIDNIGHT RIDE
OF PAUL FOR BEER
LED TO A WARMER
HEMISPHERE
Burma Shave

AROUND THE CURVE
LICKETY-SPLIT
BEAUTIFUL CAR
WASN'T IT?
Burma Shave

NO MATTER THE PRICE
NO MATTER HOW NEW
THE BEST SAFETY DEVICE
IN THE CAR IS YOU
Burma Shave

A GUY WHO DRIVES
A CAR WIDE OPEN
IS NOT THINKIN'
HE'S JUST HOPIN'
Burma Shave

AT INTERSECTIONS
LOOK EACH WAY
A HARP SOUNDS NICE
BUT IT'S HARD TO PLAY
Burma Shave

BOTH HANDS ON THE WHEEL
EYES ON THE ROAD
THAT'S THE SKILLFUL
DRIVER'S CODE
Burma Shave

THE ONE WHO DRIVES
WHEN HE'S BEEN DRINKING
DEPENDS ON YOU
TO DO HIS THINKING
Burma Shave

CAR IN DITCH
DRIVER IN TREE
THE MOON WAS FULL
AND SO WAS HE.
Burma Shave

PASSING SCHOOL ZONE
TAKE IT SLOW
LET OUR LITTLE
SHAVERS GROW
Burma Shave


Do these bring back any old memories?
If not, you're merely a child.
If they do - then you're old as dirt.


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Helicoptor Flight Instructor and his Student

An instructor and student are sitting in a helicopter, the instructor says "Take it straight up to 100 feet and bring it back down".

The student does without a problem, so the instructor tells him to "Take it up to 200 feet and back down".

Again the student's performance is flawless.

Then the instructor gets out of the chopper and tells the student that his first solo is to take it up to 300 feet and land it by himself.

The student takes off and gets up to about 300 feet then suddenly comes crashing down.

The instructor runs up to the wreckage and says "You were doing so good...what happened"?

The student replies "Well I got up to about 290 feet, but it got so cold up there I figured I would turn the big fan off".


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¯\_(ツ)_/¯




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